Advice

ADVICE

Child safety – achieving balance

BILL STONE from CCPAS (the Churches’ Child Protection Advisory Service) argues that we must guard against extremes in creating a safe world for our children

As a young boy growing up in West Midlands, I spent so many days perfecting my climbing technique, attempting to scale the large tree at the bottom of our garden, it is surprising I didn’t follow Sir Edmund Hillary to the summit of Everest. My parents, meanwhile, had no idea of my exploits. If they had, they would no doubt have been horrified.

In bringing up our children, there is a very difficult balance to be struck between security on the one hand and freedom on the other. If, as parents and carers, we stray too far in either direction we are likely to cause problems both for our children and for ourselves. Children need to be protected from harm to be sure, but they also need to be allowed to explore and develop.

Moreover, there are different forms of harm and children’s all-round development may be impaired as much by a smothering, anxious over-protectiveness as by a negligent, laissez-faire approach.
There is another balance, too, which constantly needs to be adjusted as children grow up - the balance between dependence and independence.

As new born infants, children are entirely dependent on their carers for everything, but by the time they are young adults they want and need to be independent. One of the most challenging and sometimes painful things for a parent to do is to allow the young person the freedom to go their own way. If the early years are about the formation of that loving attachment which is so foundational to a child’s future development, adolescence is about separation and the formation of individual identity. The parent’s role in this later stage of development is very different, if no less demanding.

These dilemmas are not unique to parents and children. The tension between freedom and security is present at all levels in society. In the wake of the 11 September terrorist atrocities in New York, America has been struggling with this same dilemma. A new balance is emerging which gives security significantly more priority. Many commentators worry that cherished freedoms are being compromised in the search for greater security in an uncertain world.

In our own country some of the government’s proposed reforms are, arguably, heading in the same direction. We live in a world that is increasingly “risk averse”. Risk is seen as something to be avoided at all costs. This fear of risk is related to the fear of litigation. If something goes wrong somebody must be to blame and they are liable to be sued! The insurance mentality prevails: all risks must be insured against in order that we can enjoy “peace of mind”.

Yet, paradoxically, peace of mind is more elusive than ever, as the rate of change in Western society accelerates and as uncertainty - in international relations, in the workplace, in our most intimate relationships - continues to grow. We cannot insure ourselves against terrorist attack or against the consequences of conventional warfare. We can neither insure ourselves against the fallout from economic changes at the global level nor against the possibility, as an individual, of losing our job.

But what provokes even more anxiety is that personal relationships are also perceived by many people as being unstable and insecure. We see friends whose marriages break up, whose children reject their values, whose families dissolve into competing fragments. What price security in family relationships? Which insurance company can offer us peace of mind in the face of such deeply felt anxieties?

It is this anxiety in the face of uncertainty that lies behind the panic and hysteria surrounding child abuse. The media, the tabloids in particular, feed on public anxieties and encourage alarmist thinking. Statistics and cold logic appear to make little impression on perceptions of harm and danger.

We know that the probability of our child being abducted on the way to school is vanishingly small. We also know that most children who are abused are abused by people they know and trust. Yet we still worry about predatory paedophiles and child murderers to a degree that is completely out of proportion to the actual nature of the threat to our children.

Those who work with children, especially those with particular responsibilities for child protection, have to tread a fine line between complacency on the one hand and paranoia on the other. My personal opinion is that, at the present moment in time, paranoia is the greater danger.

Some of the wilder responses to worries about children’s safety are themselves abusive. In the aftermath of the Soham cases there was widespread reporting of a scheme, pioneered in the States, whereby children can be implanted with a microchip which will enable their anxious parents to track their whereabouts every minute of the day and night!

Even the apparently responsible reaction by parents that their children must be driven to school by car “in order to protect them” ignores the risk of having a road traffic accident (a much higher statistical probability) as well as denying children the benefits of a healthy and invigorating walk. The school that banned video cameras from the Christmas drama production because of fears about paedophiles gaining access to images of children was overreacting to understandable anxieties in a similarly unbalanced way. The fact is that we are rarely faced by a choice between risk and no risk. Absolute safety is not on offer, instead we have to balance one risk against another.

As a parent I want my children to grow up believing that the world is a good place. A place to be explored and enjoyed. I want them to be able to have new experiences, to attempt great things, if they fall over to get back up again, to believe that they can do it. I want them to have an orientation towards the world outside the home which is inquiring and open. I want them to see other people as endlessly fascinating, to see other cultures and ways of life as being exciting and different. I want home to be for them a secure base from which they can confidently venture forth to explore the outside world.

But there is also a dark side to life and to ourselves about which I do not want them - and cannot afford them - to be ignorant. My children need to know that not everyone is well intentioned. I want them to know, when they are old enough to understand, that there are people who would seek to harm them and who should not be trusted.

I do not want them to be so cocooned and insulated that they are unable to envisage the possibility of someone doing something bad. They need to know that evil is to be avoided and good pursued. They need to know that all of us have frailties and weaknesses and need to be forgiven. I also want my children to be compassionately aware that there are people who suffer for no apparent reason, that accidents and disasters happen and that none of us are guaranteed health or wealth or happiness. Confidence and self-esteem is important, but so too is compassion and humility in the face of the unpredictability of life.

As Christians we have a different take on security and where it can be found. The biblical view of human nature is profoundly realistic. As human beings we are created in the image of God with a tremendous capacity for truth, courage, goodness and creativity. Yet the Bible also teaches that humanity is fallen, human nature is corrupted and sinful so that we now have an immense capacity for self-deception and wickedness.

We live in a fallen, broken world in which evil is a present reality. People have the capacity for both good and evil, and we have to help our children to learn to discriminate between right and wrong. We know that there are many things to worry about in this uncertain and unpredictable world but Jesus tells us not to be anxious about anything. He encourages us to develop a child-like trust in our Heavenly Father whose goodness is all around us.

The fact that bad things happen shouldn’t alter our convictions about God’s essential goodness and our ultimate security.

I realise that this exhortation to trust in our Heavenly Father may seem naïve and simplistic in the shadow cast by the sorts of child abuse cases of which we are constantly being reminded. Yet this is what faith requires.

Wherever our fears congregate it is at precisely that point that God challenges us to exercise faith and trust. In this children show us the way. The openness and trust which is so natural to children (and which is a primary reason for their vulnerability) is used by Jesus as an illustration of the orientation we should have towards life lived under the watchful care of our Father in heaven.

Bill Stone

CCPAS: www.ccpas.co.uk

© Christian Family Network
is run by CPO, supported by
Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting,
Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.


		ADVICE Child safety – achieving balance BILL STONE from CCPAS (the Churches’ Child Protection Advisory Service) argues that we must guard against extremes in creating a safe world for our children As a young boy growing up in West Midlands, I spent so many days perfecting my climbing technique, attempting to scale the large tree at the bottom of our garden, it is surprising I didn’t follow Sir Edmund Hillary to the summit of Everest. My parents, meanwhile, had no idea of my exploits. If they had, they would no doubt have been horrified. In bringing up our children, there is a very difficult balance to be struck between security on the one hand and freedom on the other. If, as parents and carers, we stray too far in either direction we are likely to cause problems both for our children and for ourselves. Children need to be protected from harm to be sure, but they also need to be allowed to explore and develop. Moreover, there are different forms of harm and children’s all-round development may be impaired as much by a smothering, anxious over-protectiveness as by a negligent, laissez-faire approach. There is another balance, too, which constantly needs to be adjusted as children grow up - the balance between dependence and independence. As new born infants, children are entirely dependent on their carers for everything, but by the time they are young adults they want and need to be independent. One of the most challenging and sometimes painful things for a parent to do is to allow the young person the freedom to go their own way. If the early years are about the formation of that loving attachment which is so foundational to a child’s future development, adolescence is about separation and the formation of individual identity. The parent’s role in this later stage of development is very different, if no less demanding. These dilemmas are not unique to parents and children. The tension between freedom and security is present at all levels in society. In the wake of the 11 September terrorist atrocities in New York, America has been struggling with this same dilemma. A new balance is emerging which gives security significantly more priority. Many commentators worry that cherished freedoms are being compromised in the search for greater security in an uncertain world. In our own country some of the government’s proposed reforms are, arguably, heading in the same direction. We live in a world that is increasingly “risk averse”. Risk is seen as something to be avoided at all costs. This fear of risk is related to the fear of litigation. If something goes wrong somebody must be to blame and they are liable to be sued! The insurance mentality prevails: all risks must be insured against in order that we can enjoy “peace of mind”. Yet, paradoxically, peace of mind is more elusive than ever, as the rate of change in Western society accelerates and as uncertainty - in international relations, in the workplace, in our most intimate relationships - continues to grow. We cannot insure ourselves against terrorist attack or against the consequences of conventional warfare. We can neither insure ourselves against the fallout from economic changes at the global level nor against the possibility, as an individual, of losing our job. But what provokes even more anxiety is that personal relationships are also perceived by many people as being unstable and insecure. We see friends whose marriages break up, whose children reject their values, whose families dissolve into competing fragments. What price security in family relationships? Which insurance company can offer us peace of mind in the face of such deeply felt anxieties? It is this anxiety in the face of uncertainty that lies behind the panic and hysteria surrounding child abuse. The media, the tabloids in particular, feed on public anxieties and encourage alarmist thinking. Statistics and cold logic appear to make little impression on perceptions of harm and danger. We know that the probability of our child being abducted on the way to school is vanishingly small. We also know that most children who are abused are abused by people they know and trust. Yet we still worry about predatory paedophiles and child murderers to a degree that is completely out of proportion to the actual nature of the threat to our children. Those who work with children, especially those with particular responsibilities for child protection, have to tread a fine line between complacency on the one hand and paranoia on the other. My personal opinion is that, at the present moment in time, paranoia is the greater danger. Some of the wilder responses to worries about children’s safety are themselves abusive. In the aftermath of the Soham cases there was widespread reporting of a scheme, pioneered in the States, whereby children can be implanted with a microchip which will enable their anxious parents to track their whereabouts every minute of the day and night! Even the apparently responsible reaction by parents that their children must be driven to school by car “in order to protect them” ignores the risk of having a road traffic accident (a much higher statistical probability) as well as denying children the benefits of a healthy and invigorating walk. The school that banned video cameras from the Christmas drama production because of fears about paedophiles gaining access to images of children was overreacting to understandable anxieties in a similarly unbalanced way. The fact is that we are rarely faced by a choice between risk and no risk. Absolute safety is not on offer, instead we have to balance one risk against another. As a parent I want my children to grow up believing that the world is a good place. A place to be explored and enjoyed. I want them to be able to have new experiences, to attempt great things, if they fall over to get back up again, to believe that they can do it. I want them to have an orientation towards the world outside the home which is inquiring and open. I want them to see other people as endlessly fascinating, to see other cultures and ways of life as being exciting and different. I want home to be for them a secure base from which they can confidently venture forth to explore the outside world. But there is also a dark side to life and to ourselves about which I do not want them - and cannot afford them - to be ignorant. My children need to know that not everyone is well intentioned. I want them to know, when they are old enough to understand, that there are people who would seek to harm them and who should not be trusted. I do not want them to be so cocooned and insulated that they are unable to envisage the possibility of someone doing something bad. They need to know that evil is to be avoided and good pursued. They need to know that all of us have frailties and weaknesses and need to be forgiven. I also want my children to be compassionately aware that there are people who suffer for no apparent reason, that accidents and disasters happen and that none of us are guaranteed health or wealth or happiness. Confidence and self-esteem is important, but so too is compassion and humility in the face of the unpredictability of life. As Christians we have a different take on security and where it can be found. The biblical view of human nature is profoundly realistic. As human beings we are created in the image of God with a tremendous capacity for truth, courage, goodness and creativity. Yet the Bible also teaches that humanity is fallen, human nature is corrupted and sinful so that we now have an immense capacity for self-deception and wickedness. We live in a fallen, broken world in which evil is a present reality. People have the capacity for both good and evil, and we have to help our children to learn to discriminate between right and wrong. We know that there are many things to worry about in this uncertain and unpredictable world but Jesus tells us not to be anxious about anything. He encourages us to develop a child-like trust in our Heavenly Father whose goodness is all around us. The fact that bad things happen shouldn’t alter our convictions about God’s essential goodness and our ultimate security. I realise that this exhortation to trust in our Heavenly Father may seem naïve and simplistic in the shadow cast by the sorts of child abuse cases of which we are constantly being reminded. Yet this is what faith requires. Wherever our fears congregate it is at precisely that point that God challenges us to exercise faith and trust. In this children show us the way. The openness and trust which is so natural to children (and which is a primary reason for their vulnerability) is used by Jesus as an illustration of the orientation we should have towards life lived under the watchful care of our Father in heaven. Bill Stone CCPAS: www.ccpas.co.uk © Christian Family Network is run by CPO, supported by Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting, Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.