Advice

RELATIONSHIPS

Just good friends?

At a time of year when many of us are in touch once more with friends from way back, LIZ JENNINGS looks at the challenge of ‘difficult’ relationships and why some friendships don’t last

Seven in 10 Britons say losing friends is their biggest regret in life, according to a recent web survey by MSN Messenger.

And, despite ever increasing ways of staying in touch, modern lifestyles make losing contact easier than ever. In fact, most of us keep up with just one out of every 12 friends made during a lifetime.*

It’s a subject that’s been on my mind lately.

Picture the scene: the phone rings and, as you go to answer it, a tiny voice in the back of your mind is running through a list of people you hope aren’t calling.

Have you ever let the answer-phone deal with these people for you? What my friend calls ‘screening’.

You sit there and wait to hear whose voice comes through before deciding it’s safe to pick up. BT now run a service that allows you to see who’s calling by displaying their number on your handset: it’s the telephone equivalent of a spy-hole in your front door.

It’s true, some of my friends scare me. I never know where a conversation with them will end up. Some of them regularly irritate, hurt and disappoint me. And I suppose they would say the same things in return, although, naturally, I can’t think why!

I once heard a tape of John Ortberg preaching, on which he said that, as Christians, we ‘need’ difficult relationships to enable us to grow. If we didn’t have any, he joked, he could provide us with a list of difficult people that he knew to get us started.

But once we know these difficult people, what then?

On the day Louisa discovered she was pregnant, her friend, Debbie, rang her in a troubled state: “I’m pregnant. I don’t want it. I’m going to have an abortion. What do you think?”

Stunned, Louisa asked for a few hours' thinking time before responding. This was not what Debbie wanted. She screamed abuse at Louisa, and hung up. A letter followed, fuelled with the venom of an embittered mind. Louisa didn’t reply.

That was a year ago. Louisa and Debbie have had their ups and downs before, but this time, things are different. Contact hasn’t been re-established. I spoke to Louisa about the experience.

“Looking back at the relationship, I see that fear was my motivation, rather than love. It was a repeated pattern of Debbie having a crisis and me supporting the often bad decisions she made, out of fear that she’d turn on me if I didn’t. I maintained peace at the expense of honesty. Then the one time I didn’t just blindly support her, she stopped speaking to me.

“Part of becoming emotionally involved with another person is that things can become more complicated, but it’s important to have boundaries. If you feel like you’re being abused despite repeated attempts at friendship, it’s no good. If there’s honesty, there’s hope.

“I can’t believe God would want you to be destroyed by someone else. But I do believe he can save some relationships through prayer. I also think the devil can load you down with guilt. When an unhealthy relationship ends, hand it over to God and move on.”

Difficult relationships saved through prayer are something Jeff knows all about. Martin, a colleague at his new job, took an instant dislike to him and began causing trouble at work and inventing stories to slander him. Their mutual hostility caused such tension they couldn’t even look at each other, and found being in the same room difficult.

“It got to the stage where it was unbearable. I prayed: ‘Please Lord, help me; stop this circle of aggression’.

“I started being friendly to Martin. I found the courage to take an interest. The amazing thing was, he just changed – literally overnight. We began to enjoy a really good relationship. In fact, we became great friends.”

Despite much prayer, Julia’s friendship seems set in a pattern. She explained: “Kirsty didn’t want me to get together with Gareth – or anyone else for that matter. She’s still single, which makes me feel terribly guilty, because I know she’d like to be married. But then I feel angry – why should I feel guilty for being married?

“I’d love to get it all out in the open, but I’d hate to rub salt into her wound. I’ve come to the conclusion that things will probably be a bit tricky for some time, but I still want to support her, and am committed to staying in touch.”

My own pastor recently talked about building the church family. He said: “There will be people here that you will struggle with – we don’t have any time for that.” I don’t think he meant we must all smile madly at one another and brush troubles under the pew runner. Loving each other through gritted teeth is no love at all.

There’s clearly greater need for honesty in relationships and accountability, too. “Wounds from a friend can be trusted”, Solomon tells us in Proverbs 27:6a. But accountability takes security and humility. I must be loving enough to speak truth, and feel safe enough to accept truths from others.

It seems that prayer can rescue some relationships. And perhaps there is also a time to admit that a relationship is harming both parties and would be better left behind.

The MSG survey reports that the average Briton makes 396 friends over a lifetime, and keeps just 33. Quality surely comes before quantity, but with security, honesty, love and forgiveness, perhaps both could become a reality.

Hang on – the phone’s ringing: now, whose number is that?

* Source: The Sun newspaper, 8 November 2003

Liz Jennings is a freelance writer based in Canterbury

© Christian Family Network
is run by CPO, supported by
Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting,
Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.


		RELATIONSHIPS Just good friends? At a time of year when many of us are in touch once more with friends from way back, LIZ JENNINGS looks at the challenge of ‘difficult’ relationships and why some friendships don’t last Seven in 10 Britons say losing friends is their biggest regret in life, according to a recent web survey by MSN Messenger. And, despite ever increasing ways of staying in touch, modern lifestyles make losing contact easier than ever. In fact, most of us keep up with just one out of every 12 friends made during a lifetime.* It’s a subject that’s been on my mind lately. Picture the scene: the phone rings and, as you go to answer it, a tiny voice in the back of your mind is running through a list of people you hope aren’t calling. Have you ever let the answer-phone deal with these people for you? What my friend calls ‘screening’. You sit there and wait to hear whose voice comes through before deciding it’s safe to pick up. BT now run a service that allows you to see who’s calling by displaying their number on your handset: it’s the telephone equivalent of a spy-hole in your front door. It’s true, some of my friends scare me. I never know where a conversation with them will end up. Some of them regularly irritate, hurt and disappoint me. And I suppose they would say the same things in return, although, naturally, I can’t think why! I once heard a tape of John Ortberg preaching, on which he said that, as Christians, we ‘need’ difficult relationships to enable us to grow. If we didn’t have any, he joked, he could provide us with a list of difficult people that he knew to get us started. But once we know these difficult people, what then? On the day Louisa discovered she was pregnant, her friend, Debbie, rang her in a troubled state: “I’m pregnant. I don’t want it. I’m going to have an abortion. What do you think?” Stunned, Louisa asked for a few hours' thinking time before responding. This was not what Debbie wanted. She screamed abuse at Louisa, and hung up. A letter followed, fuelled with the venom of an embittered mind. Louisa didn’t reply. That was a year ago. Louisa and Debbie have had their ups and downs before, but this time, things are different. Contact hasn’t been re-established. I spoke to Louisa about the experience. “Looking back at the relationship, I see that fear was my motivation, rather than love. It was a repeated pattern of Debbie having a crisis and me supporting the often bad decisions she made, out of fear that she’d turn on me if I didn’t. I maintained peace at the expense of honesty. Then the one time I didn’t just blindly support her, she stopped speaking to me. “Part of becoming emotionally involved with another person is that things can become more complicated, but it’s important to have boundaries. If you feel like you’re being abused despite repeated attempts at friendship, it’s no good. If there’s honesty, there’s hope. “I can’t believe God would want you to be destroyed by someone else. But I do believe he can save some relationships through prayer. I also think the devil can load you down with guilt. When an unhealthy relationship ends, hand it over to God and move on.” Difficult relationships saved through prayer are something Jeff knows all about. Martin, a colleague at his new job, took an instant dislike to him and began causing trouble at work and inventing stories to slander him. Their mutual hostility caused such tension they couldn’t even look at each other, and found being in the same room difficult. “It got to the stage where it was unbearable. I prayed: ‘Please Lord, help me; stop this circle of aggression’. “I started being friendly to Martin. I found the courage to take an interest. The amazing thing was, he just changed – literally overnight. We began to enjoy a really good relationship. In fact, we became great friends.” Despite much prayer, Julia’s friendship seems set in a pattern. She explained: “Kirsty didn’t want me to get together with Gareth – or anyone else for that matter. She’s still single, which makes me feel terribly guilty, because I know she’d like to be married. But then I feel angry – why should I feel guilty for being married? “I’d love to get it all out in the open, but I’d hate to rub salt into her wound. I’ve come to the conclusion that things will probably be a bit tricky for some time, but I still want to support her, and am committed to staying in touch.” My own pastor recently talked about building the church family. He said: “There will be people here that you will struggle with – we don’t have any time for that.” I don’t think he meant we must all smile madly at one another and brush troubles under the pew runner. Loving each other through gritted teeth is no love at all. There’s clearly greater need for honesty in relationships and accountability, too. “Wounds from a friend can be trusted”, Solomon tells us in Proverbs 27:6a. But accountability takes security and humility. I must be loving enough to speak truth, and feel safe enough to accept truths from others. It seems that prayer can rescue some relationships. And perhaps there is also a time to admit that a relationship is harming both parties and would be better left behind. The MSG survey reports that the average Briton makes 396 friends over a lifetime, and keeps just 33. Quality surely comes before quantity, but with security, honesty, love and forgiveness, perhaps both could become a reality. Hang on – the phone’s ringing: now, whose number is that? * Source: The Sun newspaper, 8 November 2003 Liz Jennings is a freelance writer based in Canterbury © Christian Family Network is run by CPO, supported by Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting, Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.