Advice

ADVICE

Getting away from it all

Spiritual retreats aren’t just for the holy, says MARY PARISH, they are for anyone who could use some peace and quiet, alone with God

Just how holy do you have to be?

What? To go on retreat?

Well, yes. I mean, you must have to be really holy.

Er … no … actually, I find the more unholy I am, the more I need my retreat!

Oh. I thought retreat places were really … well, like … holy.

Maybe. But I’m not!

There’s a major common misconception – you have to be holy to go on retreat.

No. Hungry, perhaps, but not holy.

Hungry for some space, for some peace, for time “just to be”, for time to reflect and pray … or time to sleep (sleeeeeeeeeeep!!), to sew, to paint, to walk, to bird-watch, to read, to … well, more or less anything you really enjoy. And have long hot baths at silly times, and sleep. Oh. I said sleep, didn’t I? Never mind.

Sleep!

I’ve just been on retreat, you see, and I did a lot of sleeping. I wrote a belated Valentine card to my husband (whoever heard of a belated Valentine card?), because I’d been so outrageously flat-out that I’d not had the time or energy to buy one, and took it to the end of the village to post. It was about 9:40 in the morning. Long, mansion-type, Jane Eyre-ish driveway, followed by average village street. Not far.

Returning to my room at 10 o’clock, I was so exhausted I fell on the bed and slept until 11.20am. Then in the afternoon I slept again. Then at night …

Why am I telling you my predilection for sleep? Because I want you to know that sometimes a retreat is just that: a running away from the pressures that constantly assail us, and a resting. Eugene Peterson in one of his books talks about Sabbath. He says that taking Sabbath is like saying that you believe that the world (and notably God!) can get on perfectly well without you. If you stop (which is really what “Sabbath” means), the world will not stop turning. So “Sabbath” reminds me that I’m not as important as I (or, perhaps, other people) think I am. I am dispensable. God is perfectly well in control when I’m not there. Amazing how difficult that concept is to grasp!

But it’s a very important theological point, and an extremely useful personal lesson. I don’t have to be there. (And, you leaders, if you do, then maybe there’s a bit of re-ordering to do.)

We should stop taking ourselves and our work so seriously! We need to “Sabbath” and be refreshed, and much of that refreshment will come through common-or-garden naps and early nights.

But we can “do” too.

Anthony Bloom once advised an elderly lady for whom prayer had grown stale: “Take your knitting, and knit before the face of God.” And she did. And her prayer returned, and her love for Christ bloomed again. I cross-stitch before the face of God. Deliberately – giving it to him.

OK, OK – so you don’t do knitting or cross-stitch. So what do you enjoy? Take it, and do it. Religiously!

And I read. This time I took a book I acquired recently on Thomas Merton, marked out in days for a retreat. And, believe it or not, a book by Mrs Gaskell. I’d never read her before, but I did enjoy her sharp wit and perception, and the weaving together of the picture of life for the shabby genteel who struggled to keep up appearances. Hmmm. Bit of a lesson there – didn’t expect that! The efforts to which we go to make people believe we are something we’re not really.

Like holy.

And I found myself laughing at the people in the book … and myself, a little …

Do you walk? I find that a little more difficult, as a woman alone, so I like a place where there is walking to be had in the grounds, or through the village.

Usually, when I’m on retreat, there’s a particular place I like to do my praying. In one place, it’s a plain little room with a few bookshelves, lots of beautifully-kept potted plants and flowers, and the reserved sacrament. They call it ‘The Oratory’. The place where God speaks, I suppose. Certainly he has often spoken to me there – quietly, unimpressively, lovingly, as I’ve knelt on a prayer-stool (to save the cramps), just quiet and relaxed before him.

In another place I visit, it’s a tree by the lake. There’s a rooty bit under the tree where I sit and do business with God. That’s where I love and protest and cry and sing. That’s where I have learned to let go of some important things in my life. And I like to go to my favourite prayer place for a few moments as soon as I arrive: to say hello to God, and to tell him I’m there for him. (“It’s not for you, you know, dear” a Catholic sister once told me.)

What about silence?

I love it!

Anyone reading this who knows me will now be laughing hollow and mocking laughter. But it’s true. There is an incredible liberation in not having to talk. I normally opt to take my meals alone, which a good retreat house can arrange easily, so I don’t have to become part of other people’s lives while I’m there.

Sometimes I read as I eat, sometimes I just munch away and let my thoughts wander around.

When I return home, I often find I weigh my words a little more carefully – let them fall less readily. Well. A bit. (Not being very holy, you know.)

Last week, as I left, one of the sisters said: “And next time, don’t leave it so long. If you don’t book your next retreat soon, you will hear my voice!”

Thanks, sister. I need that! Though, in the end, retreat is such a joy that very little will prevent me. Hey, thanks, Lord! And – well, I’d really like to be more holy …

Mary Parish is an ordained minister in a Church of England parish in West Sussex

LET'S GET PRACTICAL

How do you locate places to go?

Ask around in your church, your minister (if he’s never been on retreat, it might be a start!), other local churches. There’s nothing like a personal recommendation.
Otherwise The Retreat Association produces a list of around 250 retreat houses in the UK. You can find details on http://www.retreats.org
The Retreat Association,
The Central Hall, 256 Bermondsey Street, London SE1 3UJ
Tel: 0845 456 1429
E-mail: info@retreats.org.uk

Is it expensive?

Depends where you go. Probably somewhere between £25 and £50 bed and full board, though one place I go is so laid-back that I once gave £5 when I was stony broke, and sent a sensible cheque later! And it’s often possible to negotiate if it’s too expensive for you.

Do you have to be ordained?

Good grief no! I was taking retreats long before I was ordained. Revs aren’t the only people with busy lives who need to “sabbath”!

What can you join in with?

In a Community there will often be a daily Eucharist, and usually a daily prayer routine which visitors are welcome to join. They’ll pray for you too, if you ask!

There are also many “guided retreats”, in which you are part of a group, with some input from a retreat leader and plenty of space to reflect. You may have a personal guide for this time, too.

Are there places where you’ll have someone you can talk to or who can give you some guidance or counsel?

Again, where there is a Community, you’d generally find an arrangement can be made to talk with one of them.

Just ask – and they’ll give you someone appropriate. Again, I’ve found this helpful on a few occasions. There is also probably someone who can clue you up on taking a retreat, if you’ve never done it before.

© Christian Family Network
is run by CPO, supported by
Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting,
Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.


		ADVICE Getting away from it all Spiritual retreats aren’t just for the holy, says MARY PARISH, they are for anyone who could use some peace and quiet, alone with God Just how holy do you have to be? What? To go on retreat? Well, yes. I mean, you must have to be really holy. Er … no … actually, I find the more unholy I am, the more I need my retreat! Oh. I thought retreat places were really … well, like … holy. Maybe. But I’m not! There’s a major common misconception – you have to be holy to go on retreat. No. Hungry, perhaps, but not holy. Hungry for some space, for some peace, for time “just to be”, for time to reflect and pray … or time to sleep (sleeeeeeeeeeep!!), to sew, to paint, to walk, to bird-watch, to read, to … well, more or less anything you really enjoy. And have long hot baths at silly times, and sleep. Oh. I said sleep, didn’t I? Never mind. Sleep! I’ve just been on retreat, you see, and I did a lot of sleeping. I wrote a belated Valentine card to my husband (whoever heard of a belated Valentine card?), because I’d been so outrageously flat-out that I’d not had the time or energy to buy one, and took it to the end of the village to post. It was about 9:40 in the morning. Long, mansion-type, Jane Eyre-ish driveway, followed by average village street. Not far. Returning to my room at 10 o’clock, I was so exhausted I fell on the bed and slept until 11.20am. Then in the afternoon I slept again. Then at night … Why am I telling you my predilection for sleep? Because I want you to know that sometimes a retreat is just that: a running away from the pressures that constantly assail us, and a resting. Eugene Peterson in one of his books talks about Sabbath. He says that taking Sabbath is like saying that you believe that the world (and notably God!) can get on perfectly well without you. If you stop (which is really what “Sabbath” means), the world will not stop turning. So “Sabbath” reminds me that I’m not as important as I (or, perhaps, other people) think I am. I am dispensable. God is perfectly well in control when I’m not there. Amazing how difficult that concept is to grasp! But it’s a very important theological point, and an extremely useful personal lesson. I don’t have to be there. (And, you leaders, if you do, then maybe there’s a bit of re-ordering to do.) We should stop taking ourselves and our work so seriously! We need to “Sabbath” and be refreshed, and much of that refreshment will come through common-or-garden naps and early nights. But we can “do” too. Anthony Bloom once advised an elderly lady for whom prayer had grown stale: “Take your knitting, and knit before the face of God.” And she did. And her prayer returned, and her love for Christ bloomed again. I cross-stitch before the face of God. Deliberately – giving it to him. OK, OK – so you don’t do knitting or cross-stitch. So what do you enjoy? Take it, and do it. Religiously! And I read. This time I took a book I acquired recently on Thomas Merton, marked out in days for a retreat. And, believe it or not, a book by Mrs Gaskell. I’d never read her before, but I did enjoy her sharp wit and perception, and the weaving together of the picture of life for the shabby genteel who struggled to keep up appearances. Hmmm. Bit of a lesson there – didn’t expect that! The efforts to which we go to make people believe we are something we’re not really. Like holy. And I found myself laughing at the people in the book … and myself, a little … Do you walk? I find that a little more difficult, as a woman alone, so I like a place where there is walking to be had in the grounds, or through the village. Usually, when I’m on retreat, there’s a particular place I like to do my praying. In one place, it’s a plain little room with a few bookshelves, lots of beautifully-kept potted plants and flowers, and the reserved sacrament. They call it ‘The Oratory’. The place where God speaks, I suppose. Certainly he has often spoken to me there – quietly, unimpressively, lovingly, as I’ve knelt on a prayer-stool (to save the cramps), just quiet and relaxed before him. In another place I visit, it’s a tree by the lake. There’s a rooty bit under the tree where I sit and do business with God. That’s where I love and protest and cry and sing. That’s where I have learned to let go of some important things in my life. And I like to go to my favourite prayer place for a few moments as soon as I arrive: to say hello to God, and to tell him I’m there for him. (“It’s not for you, you know, dear” a Catholic sister once told me.) What about silence? I love it! Anyone reading this who knows me will now be laughing hollow and mocking laughter. But it’s true. There is an incredible liberation in not having to talk. I normally opt to take my meals alone, which a good retreat house can arrange easily, so I don’t have to become part of other people’s lives while I’m there. Sometimes I read as I eat, sometimes I just munch away and let my thoughts wander around. When I return home, I often find I weigh my words a little more carefully – let them fall less readily. Well. A bit. (Not being very holy, you know.) Last week, as I left, one of the sisters said: “And next time, don’t leave it so long. If you don’t book your next retreat soon, you will hear my voice!” Thanks, sister. I need that! Though, in the end, retreat is such a joy that very little will prevent me. Hey, thanks, Lord! And – well, I’d really like to be more holy … Mary Parish is an ordained minister in a Church of England parish in West Sussex LET'S GET PRACTICAL How do you locate places to go? Ask around in your church, your minister (if he’s never been on retreat, it might be a start!), other local churches. There’s nothing like a personal recommendation. Otherwise The Retreat Association produces a list of around 250 retreat houses in the UK. You can find details on http://www.retreats.org The Retreat Association, The Central Hall, 256 Bermondsey Street, London SE1 3UJ Tel: 0845 456 1429 E-mail: info@retreats.org.uk Is it expensive? Depends where you go. Probably somewhere between £25 and £50 bed and full board, though one place I go is so laid-back that I once gave £5 when I was stony broke, and sent a sensible cheque later! And it’s often possible to negotiate if it’s too expensive for you. Do you have to be ordained? Good grief no! I was taking retreats long before I was ordained. Revs aren’t the only people with busy lives who need to “sabbath”! What can you join in with? In a Community there will often be a daily Eucharist, and usually a daily prayer routine which visitors are welcome to join. They’ll pray for you too, if you ask! There are also many “guided retreats”, in which you are part of a group, with some input from a retreat leader and plenty of space to reflect. You may have a personal guide for this time, too. Are there places where you’ll have someone you can talk to or who can give you some guidance or counsel? Again, where there is a Community, you’d generally find an arrangement can be made to talk with one of them. Just ask – and they’ll give you someone appropriate. Again, I’ve found this helpful on a few occasions. There is also probably someone who can clue you up on taking a retreat, if you’ve never done it before. © Christian Family Network is run by CPO, supported by Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting, Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.