Advice

ADVICE

Help your husband overcome depression

· Whitney Hopler offers some practical advice

Does your husband seem distant or irritable? Is he working too hard or drinking too much? If so, he may be suffering from depression. But most men feel uncomfortable about sharing their inner pain, and many don't know how to put their feelings into words. Men are also more socially isolated than most women.

With your help your husband could overcome depression and gain a healthy life. Here's how you can understand his depression and encourage him to find healing:

• Recognise the symptoms. Look for these signs: irritability, hostility, aggressiveness, low impulse control, anger when hurt, tendency to blame others, unforgiving, a need to maintain control, a fear of confronting perceived weakness, a higher willingness to take risks, behaviour on the verge of social or legal standards, substance abuse/addiction, other types of addiction (to work, television, sex, sports, gambling, etc) shame about feeling down, withdrawal into silence, fatigue, and general dissatisfaction with himself and his behaviour.

• Commit to helping him in a healthy way. Remember that it's not your job to rescue your husband - only God can do that. However, you can encourage and support him along the path toward healing. Don't challenge him or shame him about his depression. Instead, let him know lovingly that you know something is wrong and that you genuinely want to help him find solutions to his problems. Make sure your husband understands that you're his ally. Assure him that you won't violate his boundaries while you try to help out. If he becomes defensive, consistently and calmly remind him that the problem won't just go away and needs to be confronted. Help him recognise his own hurt and motivate him to do something about it.

• Encourage your husband to be courageous about facing his depression head-on. Talk in ways designed to help him listen to you effectively by following the "Seven Cs Plan":

Calm (don't shout, shame, or lecture. Be calm when you speak)
Clarity (think carefully before you speak, so you can clearly present your ideas)
Conciseness (give him the facts in a succinct manner)
Conviction (show that you are confident that he can overcome depression)
Consistency (give the same message on a regular basis) C
Conciliation (assure your husband that you're working for healing, not destruction)
Consequences (insist on a consequence in your relationship - including a temporary separation in extreme cases, if he refuses to listen).

• Work with him to discover the reasons behind his depression. Consider such issues as unresolved wounds from his childhood, social isolation, the loss of a dream, or overwhelming stress. Help your husband separate dysfunctional thinking from clear, biblical thinking. Encourage him to look at things from God's perspective, trusting that he can emerge a stronger person from any type of trial or tragedy. Help him find the words to describe his pain. Watch for opportunities to discuss his feelings on a regular basis. Urge him to pursue professional counselling to work through issues that are troubling him

• Offer him hope. Help your husband visualise new dreams for his life and pursue them (such as taking courses to advance his career, joining a gym, creating new friendships, or becoming more active in church).

• Keep work from overtaking his life. Know that exhaustion can lead to depression. Help your husband achieve a healthy balance in his life, with enough time for sleep, exercise and building relationships (with God, family and friends). Ask him to list activities that bring him joy, then work out how much time he is currently devoting to them. If he's not allowing enough time to pursue these things, encourage him to make time for them. Urge your husband to consider his God-given talents and make sure he's using them to fulfil his calling. Encourage him to follow his heart as the Spirit leads rather than work outside his calling just for money's sake. Brainstorm creative ways of making the transition from his current work to work he would rather be doing.

• Help him reach out to friends. Encourage your husband to strengthen old friendships and make new ones. Go with out together with other married couples to develop mutual bonds. Give him time to get together with other men. Urge him to develop friendships with men who are spiritually healthy and can positively influence him.

• Confront a mid-life crisis with him. If your husband is middle-aged, understand that he needs you to listen to his regrets about the past and anxieties about the future. Encourage him to take all his thoughts and feelings to God, who is always faithful. Strive to build more intimacy in your marriage. Urge your husband to build friendships with your children that will last after they reach adulthood. Work with him to think and pray through changes in his career. Help him deal wisely and lovingly with ageing parents. Help your husband let go of his youth and move gracefully into deeper maturity so he can look forward to what the future holds.

• Gather a community of believers around him. Have them firmly yet lovingly share their concerns. Urge your husband to take responsibility for his problems, and seek help to overcome them. Strive to develop bonds within your congregation that will make your husband feel embraced and cared for well.

• Point out resources available to him. Give him information on helpful publications, support groups, medication, counselling and discipleship from pastors and friends.

• Take care of yourself. Don't forget to pay attention to your own health while trying to help your husband. Remember that you can't force him to receive help. Ask God to give you wisdom and peace as you try to help. Talk about your struggles with friends and family members. Tune into your children's emotional needs and make sure you're giving them enough attention during this challenging time.

Whitney Hopler is a contributing writer to www.crosswalk.com
Adapted from Does Your Man Have the Blues? Understanding Male Depression and How it Affects Your Relationship , © 2004 by Dr David Hawkins, published by Harvest House Publishers www.harvesthousepublishers.com

© Christian Family Network
is run by CPO, supported by
Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting,
Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.


		ADVICE Help your husband overcome depression · Whitney Hopler offers some practical advice Does your husband seem distant or irritable? Is he working too hard or drinking too much? If so, he may be suffering from depression. But most men feel uncomfortable about sharing their inner pain, and many don't know how to put their feelings into words. Men are also more socially isolated than most women. With your help your husband could overcome depression and gain a healthy life. Here's how you can understand his depression and encourage him to find healing: • Recognise the symptoms. Look for these signs: irritability, hostility, aggressiveness, low impulse control, anger when hurt, tendency to blame others, unforgiving, a need to maintain control, a fear of confronting perceived weakness, a higher willingness to take risks, behaviour on the verge of social or legal standards, substance abuse/addiction, other types of addiction (to work, television, sex, sports, gambling, etc) shame about feeling down, withdrawal into silence, fatigue, and general dissatisfaction with himself and his behaviour. • Commit to helping him in a healthy way. Remember that it's not your job to rescue your husband - only God can do that. However, you can encourage and support him along the path toward healing. Don't challenge him or shame him about his depression. Instead, let him know lovingly that you know something is wrong and that you genuinely want to help him find solutions to his problems. Make sure your husband understands that you're his ally. Assure him that you won't violate his boundaries while you try to help out. If he becomes defensive, consistently and calmly remind him that the problem won't just go away and needs to be confronted. Help him recognise his own hurt and motivate him to do something about it. • Encourage your husband to be courageous about facing his depression head-on. Talk in ways designed to help him listen to you effectively by following the "Seven Cs Plan": Calm (don't shout, shame, or lecture. Be calm when you speak) Clarity (think carefully before you speak, so you can clearly present your ideas) Conciseness (give him the facts in a succinct manner) Conviction (show that you are confident that he can overcome depression) Consistency (give the same message on a regular basis) C Conciliation (assure your husband that you're working for healing, not destruction) Consequences (insist on a consequence in your relationship - including a temporary separation in extreme cases, if he refuses to listen). • Work with him to discover the reasons behind his depression. Consider such issues as unresolved wounds from his childhood, social isolation, the loss of a dream, or overwhelming stress. Help your husband separate dysfunctional thinking from clear, biblical thinking. Encourage him to look at things from God's perspective, trusting that he can emerge a stronger person from any type of trial or tragedy. Help him find the words to describe his pain. Watch for opportunities to discuss his feelings on a regular basis. Urge him to pursue professional counselling to work through issues that are troubling him • Offer him hope. Help your husband visualise new dreams for his life and pursue them (such as taking courses to advance his career, joining a gym, creating new friendships, or becoming more active in church). • Keep work from overtaking his life. Know that exhaustion can lead to depression. Help your husband achieve a healthy balance in his life, with enough time for sleep, exercise and building relationships (with God, family and friends). Ask him to list activities that bring him joy, then work out how much time he is currently devoting to them. If he's not allowing enough time to pursue these things, encourage him to make time for them. Urge your husband to consider his God-given talents and make sure he's using them to fulfil his calling. Encourage him to follow his heart as the Spirit leads rather than work outside his calling just for money's sake. Brainstorm creative ways of making the transition from his current work to work he would rather be doing. • Help him reach out to friends. Encourage your husband to strengthen old friendships and make new ones. Go with out together with other married couples to develop mutual bonds. Give him time to get together with other men. Urge him to develop friendships with men who are spiritually healthy and can positively influence him. • Confront a mid-life crisis with him. If your husband is middle-aged, understand that he needs you to listen to his regrets about the past and anxieties about the future. Encourage him to take all his thoughts and feelings to God, who is always faithful. Strive to build more intimacy in your marriage. Urge your husband to build friendships with your children that will last after they reach adulthood. Work with him to think and pray through changes in his career. Help him deal wisely and lovingly with ageing parents. Help your husband let go of his youth and move gracefully into deeper maturity so he can look forward to what the future holds. • Gather a community of believers around him. Have them firmly yet lovingly share their concerns. Urge your husband to take responsibility for his problems, and seek help to overcome them. Strive to develop bonds within your congregation that will make your husband feel embraced and cared for well. • Point out resources available to him. Give him information on helpful publications, support groups, medication, counselling and discipleship from pastors and friends. • Take care of yourself. Don't forget to pay attention to your own health while trying to help your husband. Remember that you can't force him to receive help. Ask God to give you wisdom and peace as you try to help. Talk about your struggles with friends and family members. Tune into your children's emotional needs and make sure you're giving them enough attention during this challenging time. Whitney Hopler is a contributing writer to www.crosswalk.com Adapted from Does Your Man Have the Blues? Understanding Male Depression and How it Affects Your Relationship , © 2004 by Dr David Hawkins, published by Harvest House Publishers www.harvesthousepublishers.com © Christian Family Network is run by CPO, supported by Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting, Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.