Advice

ADVICE

Conflict in marriage - and how to handle it

In the first of a series of articles taken from his new book Marriage Works (Authentic Publishing), popular speaker and author J John looks at the thorny issue of resolving conflicts

" Marriage Works by J John Gordon," Angela said, walking into the lounge with a letter in her hand. "I’m just looking at the bank statement. Have you got a moment?"

With a twinge of foreboding, Gordon looked up from watching the television. "Of course," he said.

Angela frowned. "It’s this item. £195, Elliots, on 14 May. What’s that?"

Gordon hesitated for a second. "That? Oh, that ... That would be the new car CD-radio." He looked back at the television screen. At the end of a long day, he really didn’t want to discuss the matter.

"That much! That’s £200!" There was irritation in her voice. "We were supposed to be paying off the overdraft."

"I told you about it." Gordon protested.

"You never told me it was that much."

"Didn’t I? Well, I’m sorry."

"It’s too much. It’s a major purchase."

Gordon waited for a moment before answering. "Look, it was a bargain. I sit in that car for over two hours a day. It keeps me sane. And you said it sounded nice."

"You hadn’t told me the price." Angela shook her head angrily. "It’s not fair, Gordon."

"What’s not fair?"

"It’s happened again. You bought that digital camera in the spring. In just the same way." She angrily reached for the remote control and switched off the television.

"Hey, I was watching that!" Gordon was aware of a mounting anger.

"Tough. We have joint finances. We agreed."

"Look," Gordon said, aware of the tension in his voice. "I’m sorry I overspent. Right?"

"No." Angela threw the bank statement down angrily and put her hands on her hips. "It’s not ‘right’. I work to try to save money and you do this!"

"Look woman, stop making it out to be such a big deal. You buy things without asking me. Our financial mess is as much your fault as mine. You wanted that holiday."

There was a snort of angry disbelief. "Huh! Oh, that’s so typical of you Gordon. That’s just so typical. Blame me. You always do that. Whenever I have a problem with you, you turn it around so that I become the one who is responsible." He knew she was close to tears.

"Well I’ve had enough," Angela said suddenly, "I wonder why I bother."

Then she turned on her heel and stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

"And you aren’t the only one either!" He shouted as he heard her footsteps go heavily upstairs.

With a sigh, Gordon sat back in his chair and picked up the remote control. His finger hanging over the ‘on’ button, he paused. Angry rows happened in every marriage, he decided: his was no different. He comforted himself with the idea that rows were like thunderstorms. They just blew up and there was nothing you could do about them except let them pass over you. They were, he concluded with a shake of his head, just a fact of life.

He switched the television back on.

Introduction

Is Gordon right? Are marriage conflicts just a fact of life? And do they just pass over? I suspect most of us realise that, while conflicts may occur, they can often be avoided, and that if they do occur, there are good and bad ways of handling them. This chapter covers marriage conflicts and how to resolve them.

Before I deal with conflicts, I want to make a distinction between problems and conflicts because, although related, they are actually separate things. I think a problem in a marriage is simply any issue or difficulty that needs solving or sorting out. Problems in marriage, as in life, are inevitable. But problems do not become more than that, as long as they are solved without anger, confrontation or strong disagreement.

Conflicts occur where the problem has brought about a heated argument, a row or an angry silence. Conflicts are problems that have become infected.

While most of this chapter is devoted to looking at conflict, I want to make some comments on problems first.

Dealing with Problems

One of the nice things about problems is that a good many of them do not exist except in our imagination.
Steve Allen

Every marriage has problems, and some have them on an almost daily basis. In some respects, they are just the bumps and hollows on the road of married life. Nevertheless, the way you deal with them is important for several reasons.

Problems can grow or accumulate so that they weaken or ruin a marriage. So, for example, a husband’s habit of not tidying up may not be that serious if it is limited to the bedroom and occurs only sporadically. But if it spreads so that his wife feels that she spends her life tidying up after him, then it may become a major stress factor in the relationship. Over the years, the accumulation of a thousand small and petty problems can erode a marriage and it falls apart. To destroy a building by letting woodworm devastate it is not as spectacular as setting fire to it, but the outcome is the same.

Problems may also indicate the issues over which the big conflicts will emerge. Major crises rarely come out of the blue, there is normally a history. If you asked a geologist where in a particular region a major earthquake was likely to occur, they would probably point out somewhere where lots of little and harmless earth tremors had already occurred. Similarly, problems in marriages tend to map out the fault lines along which the relationship could, in theory, pull itself apart. So in a marriage where there have been endless awkward moments over the way he imposes his will on her in little things, it may not be surprising if, one day, a major crisis blows up because he refuses to agree to her changing her job.

Problems may be the flash points over which conflicts occur. So a problem occurs and then, either because it is mishandled or because other issues are dragged in, it rapidly escalates into a full-blown conflict.

How problems are handled sets the pattern for how the big crises are handled. it may seem silly to link a trivial problem over who does the washing-up with a marriage-shaking crisis over whether to move house, yet the way that minor problems are or are not resolved may define the way that conflicts are dealt with. So, if, when he tackles her over some minor issue, she refuses to discuss the matter, but just shrugs her shoulders and walks away, it will be no surprise if, when faced with a serious conflict, she does the same thing.

When a man and woman marry they become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

It is for these reasons that minor problems should not be overlooked. When they arise, seek to handle them as well as you can. Many of the strategies and principles I offer for handling conflicts can be employed to solve problems. In this way, you can use these problems as the training ground for resolving future conflicts

Next time:
understanding how conflicts develop
different reactions in conflict situations
identifying your stress areas

Material reproduced by permission. Taken from Marriage Works by J John (Authentic Publishing). J John is an author and evangelist, working with The Philo Trust.

© Christian Family Network
is run by CPO, supported by
Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting,
Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.


		ADVICE Conflict in marriage - and how to handle it In the first of a series of articles taken from his new book Marriage Works (Authentic Publishing), popular speaker and author J John looks at the thorny issue of resolving conflicts "Gordon," Angela said, walking into the lounge with a letter in her hand. "I’m just looking at the bank statement. Have you got a moment?" With a twinge of foreboding, Gordon looked up from watching the television. "Of course," he said. Angela frowned. "It’s this item. £195, Elliots, on 14 May. What’s that?" Gordon hesitated for a second. "That? Oh, that ... That would be the new car CD-radio." He looked back at the television screen. At the end of a long day, he really didn’t want to discuss the matter. "That much! That’s £200!" There was irritation in her voice. "We were supposed to be paying off the overdraft." "I told you about it." Gordon protested. "You never told me it was that much." "Didn’t I? Well, I’m sorry." "It’s too much. It’s a major purchase." Gordon waited for a moment before answering. "Look, it was a bargain. I sit in that car for over two hours a day. It keeps me sane. And you said it sounded nice." "You hadn’t told me the price." Angela shook her head angrily. "It’s not fair, Gordon." "What’s not fair?" "It’s happened again. You bought that digital camera in the spring. In just the same way." She angrily reached for the remote control and switched off the television. "Hey, I was watching that!" Gordon was aware of a mounting anger. "Tough. We have joint finances. We agreed." "Look," Gordon said, aware of the tension in his voice. "I’m sorry I overspent. Right?" "No." Angela threw the bank statement down angrily and put her hands on her hips. "It’s not ‘right’. I work to try to save money and you do this!" "Look woman, stop making it out to be such a big deal. You buy things without asking me. Our financial mess is as much your fault as mine. You wanted that holiday." There was a snort of angry disbelief. "Huh! Oh, that’s so typical of you Gordon. That’s just so typical. Blame me. You always do that. Whenever I have a problem with you, you turn it around so that I become the one who is responsible." He knew she was close to tears. "Well I’ve had enough," Angela said suddenly, "I wonder why I bother." Then she turned on her heel and stormed out, slamming the door behind her. "And you aren’t the only one either!" He shouted as he heard her footsteps go heavily upstairs. With a sigh, Gordon sat back in his chair and picked up the remote control. His finger hanging over the ‘on’ button, he paused. Angry rows happened in every marriage, he decided: his was no different. He comforted himself with the idea that rows were like thunderstorms. They just blew up and there was nothing you could do about them except let them pass over you. They were, he concluded with a shake of his head, just a fact of life. He switched the television back on. Introduction Is Gordon right? Are marriage conflicts just a fact of life? And do they just pass over? I suspect most of us realise that, while conflicts may occur, they can often be avoided, and that if they do occur, there are good and bad ways of handling them. This chapter covers marriage conflicts and how to resolve them. Before I deal with conflicts, I want to make a distinction between problems and conflicts because, although related, they are actually separate things. I think a problem in a marriage is simply any issue or difficulty that needs solving or sorting out. Problems in marriage, as in life, are inevitable. But problems do not become more than that, as long as they are solved without anger, confrontation or strong disagreement. Conflicts occur where the problem has brought about a heated argument, a row or an angry silence. Conflicts are problems that have become infected. While most of this chapter is devoted to looking at conflict, I want to make some comments on problems first. Dealing with Problems One of the nice things about problems is that a good many of them do not exist except in our imagination. Steve Allen Every marriage has problems, and some have them on an almost daily basis. In some respects, they are just the bumps and hollows on the road of married life. Nevertheless, the way you deal with them is important for several reasons. Problems can grow or accumulate so that they weaken or ruin a marriage. So, for example, a husband’s habit of not tidying up may not be that serious if it is limited to the bedroom and occurs only sporadically. But if it spreads so that his wife feels that she spends her life tidying up after him, then it may become a major stress factor in the relationship. Over the years, the accumulation of a thousand small and petty problems can erode a marriage and it falls apart. To destroy a building by letting woodworm devastate it is not as spectacular as setting fire to it, but the outcome is the same. Problems may also indicate the issues over which the big conflicts will emerge. Major crises rarely come out of the blue, there is normally a history. If you asked a geologist where in a particular region a major earthquake was likely to occur, they would probably point out somewhere where lots of little and harmless earth tremors had already occurred. Similarly, problems in marriages tend to map out the fault lines along which the relationship could, in theory, pull itself apart. So in a marriage where there have been endless awkward moments over the way he imposes his will on her in little things, it may not be surprising if, one day, a major crisis blows up because he refuses to agree to her changing her job. Problems may be the flash points over which conflicts occur. So a problem occurs and then, either because it is mishandled or because other issues are dragged in, it rapidly escalates into a full-blown conflict. How problems are handled sets the pattern for how the big crises are handled. it may seem silly to link a trivial problem over who does the washing-up with a marriage-shaking crisis over whether to move house, yet the way that minor problems are or are not resolved may define the way that conflicts are dealt with. So, if, when he tackles her over some minor issue, she refuses to discuss the matter, but just shrugs her shoulders and walks away, it will be no surprise if, when faced with a serious conflict, she does the same thing. When a man and woman marry they become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. It is for these reasons that minor problems should not be overlooked. When they arise, seek to handle them as well as you can. Many of the strategies and principles I offer for handling conflicts can be employed to solve problems. In this way, you can use these problems as the training ground for resolving future conflicts Next time: understanding how conflicts develop different reactions in conflict situations identifying your stress areas Material reproduced by permission. Taken from Marriage Works by J John (Authentic Publishing). J John is an author and evangelist, working with The Philo Trust. © Christian Family Network is run by CPO, supported by Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting, Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.