Advice

Helping dads grow up!

Too many dads are failing to show good leadership, says a national parenting charity - as David Blunkett makes parents responsible for their children's bad behaviour.

Positive Parenting believes childhood delinquency will continue to rise until dads are given help to become positive role models for their family. The charity is launching a project called Time Out for Dads! and setting up a network of support groups for fathers across the UK.

The aim is to help dads - like Stephen Pestell (click here for his story) - take stock of their relationship with their children, identify weaknesses and make positive changes.

"Dads don't know how to be role models any more because we don't have role models ourselves," says project leader Andy Jones. "First we were John Wayne, then the Nineties New Man making pasta - but now what?

"Instead of taking matters into our own hands as adults, we react emotionally to our children, dragging up hurts and hang-ups from our own childhood. Or we disengage totally. Either way, it has a serious effect on our children's emotional security.

"We at Positive Parenting want to help dads raise well-rounded adults, not eternal children."

In a speech on reform to the criminal justice system recently, the Home Secretary said parents will face fines if their children are suspected of drifting into crime. Home Office research shows that it is in the formative years - between eight and 13 - that it is possible to steer a child away from bad behaviour.

This is precisely the age when boys desperately need a father figure as a positive role model, according to Andy Jones. "And if a dad builds up his daughter's self-esteem with words of encouragement, she'll be less likely to look for affection in less appropriate places, like under-age sex."

Andy piloted Time Out for Dads! with a "dads' breakfast" in Portsmouth and is now helping to set up self-help groups across Britain - with plans for groups in everywhere from prisons to pubs. A volunteer trained by Positive Parenting will offer some practical advice but the emphasis will be on dads learning from each other.

Andy, who was a full-time father to his two sons for 10 years, has had to learn the hard way - but taking stock of his role has transformed his relationship with Ben, now 19, and Daniel, 16.

"My youngest son is very like me and he knew exactly which buttons to push to make me angry," says Andy, who's 44. "It was only when I realised we were acting like two emotional children that I started to take control and act like an adult.

"So when my eldest son Ben went off the rails for a while, I could confront what was going on and tell him lovingly how it made me feel. We're all the best of mates now.

"I've learnt it's never too late to turn a relationship around. We can make a world of difference for our kids if we take responsibility, set boundaries, encourage them, spend time with them - and keep our promises."

* For more information about Time out for Dads! ring 023 9252 8787, mail dadstuff@parenting.org.uk or visit www.positiveparenting.info

Stephen's story

Fatherhood has at times stretched Stephen Pestell to breaking point - but then he's had more on his plate than most dads.

Stephen's middle child, Matthew, developed autism, Stephen believes, as a result of the MMR vaccine. Overnight, Matthew lost his speech and became hyperactive, tearing around until 2am some nights.

Stephen found it hard to be a father to Matthew, who only wanted his mum. And it was difficult to give his other two children the attention and support they needed.

"I would often get very angry very quickly and shout at the children for the slightest thing," says Stephen, who's 38 and lives in Gosport, Hampshire. "The arguments would escalate until my wife Sharon would remind me I was behaving like a child too."

Two years ago, the strain of caring for his family, working long hours as a systems engineer and studying for a degree took its toll on Stephen's health. It's taken a lot of hard work and support from Sharon and their friends, but today the Pestells have a happy and secure family life.

In retrospect, Stephen realises he didn't have role models as a child. He was fostered from an early age and adopted at two. He was a difficult child and his father would often resort to the cane. Stephen's natural instinct as a dad was often to lash out.

Over the past two years, Stephen's been attending Andy Jones' "dads' breakfast". He's learnt there are alternatives to smacking, ways to control his temper - and other dads who struggle just as much as he does.

"We're all from different backgrounds but I've been able to unburden myself and get some sound advice. Men are seen as tough, silent types but in the right environment they'll talk freely. We've covered everything from sexual abuse to drug-taking."

Life still isn't easy. Matthew, now 12, doesn't go to bed much before midnight, and Rebecca, 13, and David, who's 10, sometimes question why their brother has to be treated differently. Sharon and Stephen have their low points.

But Stephen's learnt to be honest with himself and with his children - and that's made a huge difference to everyone.

"If the children argue, I still go at it like a bull in a china shop and tell the wrong one off. So I make a point of saying sorry now. Children respond to honesty and come to realise parents face tough decisions and can get things wrong. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes."

© Christian Family Network
is run by CPO, supported by
Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting,
Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.


		Helping dads grow up! Too many dads are failing to show good leadership, says a national parenting charity - as David Blunkett makes parents responsible for their children's bad behaviour. Positive Parenting believes childhood delinquency will continue to rise until dads are given help to become positive role models for their family. The charity is launching a project called Time Out for Dads! and setting up a network of support groups for fathers across the UK. The aim is to help dads - like Stephen Pestell (click here for his story) - take stock of their relationship with their children, identify weaknesses and make positive changes. "Dads don't know how to be role models any more because we don't have role models ourselves," says project leader Andy Jones. "First we were John Wayne, then the Nineties New Man making pasta - but now what? "Instead of taking matters into our own hands as adults, we react emotionally to our children, dragging up hurts and hang-ups from our own childhood. Or we disengage totally. Either way, it has a serious effect on our children's emotional security. "We at Positive Parenting want to help dads raise well-rounded adults, not eternal children." In a speech on reform to the criminal justice system recently, the Home Secretary said parents will face fines if their children are suspected of drifting into crime. Home Office research shows that it is in the formative years - between eight and 13 - that it is possible to steer a child away from bad behaviour. This is precisely the age when boys desperately need a father figure as a positive role model, according to Andy Jones. "And if a dad builds up his daughter's self-esteem with words of encouragement, she'll be less likely to look for affection in less appropriate places, like under-age sex." Andy piloted Time Out for Dads! with a "dads' breakfast" in Portsmouth and is now helping to set up self-help groups across Britain - with plans for groups in everywhere from prisons to pubs. A volunteer trained by Positive Parenting will offer some practical advice but the emphasis will be on dads learning from each other. Andy, who was a full-time father to his two sons for 10 years, has had to learn the hard way - but taking stock of his role has transformed his relationship with Ben, now 19, and Daniel, 16. "My youngest son is very like me and he knew exactly which buttons to push to make me angry," says Andy, who's 44. "It was only when I realised we were acting like two emotional children that I started to take control and act like an adult. "So when my eldest son Ben went off the rails for a while, I could confront what was going on and tell him lovingly how it made me feel. We're all the best of mates now. "I've learnt it's never too late to turn a relationship around. We can make a world of difference for our kids if we take responsibility, set boundaries, encourage them, spend time with them - and keep our promises." * For more information about Time out for Dads! ring 023 9252 8787, mail dadstuff@parenting.org.uk or visit www.positiveparenting.info Stephen's story Fatherhood has at times stretched Stephen Pestell to breaking point - but then he's had more on his plate than most dads. Stephen's middle child, Matthew, developed autism, Stephen believes, as a result of the MMR vaccine. Overnight, Matthew lost his speech and became hyperactive, tearing around until 2am some nights. Stephen found it hard to be a father to Matthew, who only wanted his mum. And it was difficult to give his other two children the attention and support they needed. "I would often get very angry very quickly and shout at the children for the slightest thing," says Stephen, who's 38 and lives in Gosport, Hampshire. "The arguments would escalate until my wife Sharon would remind me I was behaving like a child too." Two years ago, the strain of caring for his family, working long hours as a systems engineer and studying for a degree took its toll on Stephen's health. It's taken a lot of hard work and support from Sharon and their friends, but today the Pestells have a happy and secure family life. In retrospect, Stephen realises he didn't have role models as a child. He was fostered from an early age and adopted at two. He was a difficult child and his father would often resort to the cane. Stephen's natural instinct as a dad was often to lash out. Over the past two years, Stephen's been attending Andy Jones' "dads' breakfast". He's learnt there are alternatives to smacking, ways to control his temper - and other dads who struggle just as much as he does. "We're all from different backgrounds but I've been able to unburden myself and get some sound advice. Men are seen as tough, silent types but in the right environment they'll talk freely. We've covered everything from sexual abuse to drug-taking." Life still isn't easy. Matthew, now 12, doesn't go to bed much before midnight, and Rebecca, 13, and David, who's 10, sometimes question why their brother has to be treated differently. Sharon and Stephen have their low points. But Stephen's learnt to be honest with himself and with his children - and that's made a huge difference to everyone. "If the children argue, I still go at it like a bull in a china shop and tell the wrong one off. So I make a point of saying sorry now. Children respond to honesty and come to realise parents face tough decisions and can get things wrong. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes." © Christian Family Network is run by CPO, supported by Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting, Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.