Advice

ADVICE

Conflict in marriage - and how to handle it - Part 2

In the second of a series of articles taken from his new book Marriage Works (Authentic Publishing), popular speaker and author J John looks at the thorny issue of understanding, avoiding and preparing for conflicts

In the next section, I want to present 10 principles for handling conflict. But before I do, I want to discuss a number of issues relating to conflict that we need to know about first.

a) Understand how conflicts develop

In order to learn to avoid or minimise conflict, it is useful to understand how conflicts occur. Conflicts do not normally appear in an instant: like living creatures, they grow and develop. In a marriage, conflicts tend to develop through four well-marked stages that we can call Challenge, Complaint, Criticism and Contempt.

To illustrate these stages, let's watch what happens when, one day, when it's his turn to do the cooking, Barry serves up spaghetti bolognese for his wife Lynda. It's very fine spaghetti bolognese really: the problem is that it's the third time he's made it in the last fortnight. I'll let you imagine Barry's responses, because it's Lynda's that we want to watch.

1 Challenge is where one partner in a marriage raises an issue in such a way as to make it plain that they are unhappy about it. Faced with her plate of Bolognese a la Barry, Lynda says in a quiet, but unmistakable tone: "Bolognese again?"

In theory, this could just be a neutral statement of facts. But it isn't. Lynda is making a challenge, expressing in a general way her unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

2 Complaint is the next stage. With complaint the challenge is now deepened and focussed into a sharp and specific expression of dissatisfaction. So Lynda follows through by saying: "I think we have bolognese too often." There is now an accusing tone in her voice and although Barry might have overlooked her first comment, he can't overlook this.

3 With Criticism, there is a clear and unmistakable accusation of wrongdoing. Now Lynda says: "You always make bolognese". The temperature has risen even more. Notice the use of the word 'you' - this time, it's personal. And 'always' is hardly a neutral word either: it implies that this is a recurrent problem and that poor Barry is a persistent offender.

4 Criticism can easily pass into Contempt. Here, accusation is not enough - there is now a scornful, dismissive and hurtful edge to what is said. So now Lynda says: "I suppose you cook bolognese so much because you can't cook anything else!"

Anger is a momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you.
Horace (65-8BC)

Contempt isn't the final stage in a conflict; it's just the final predictable stage. Once you reach the contempt level of conflict, the temperature is so high that almost anything can happen next. In the next stage ('Catastrophe'? 'Conflagration?'), there will doubtless be more angry accusations and counter-accusations and the conflict may easily be broadened out to cover other areas of the marriage. And, in the case of our illustration, the bolognese may well end up on the floor.

I have listed these stages because they point out one of the main characteristics of conflict - its deadly ability to escalate. Unchecked or restrained, conflict soon spirals out of control as each new stage arouses an angry response. But recognising these conflict stages is helpful for two other reasons.

First, it forewarns you of problems; when you are faced by a challenge you need to be aware that a criticism may already be brewing.

Second, it should encourage you to act at the earliest stages of a conflict.

Clearly, the easiest place to stop a conflict is at the beginning, before it has got much beyond the 'challenge' stage. A conflict evolving under its own ruthless logic is like a car parked at the top of a steep hill whose brakes have been let off. If you are going to stop it, it is best to do it before it builds up speed.

b) Be aware of different reactions in conflict situations

A complicating factor in handling conflicts is that different people react in different ways to conflict situations. I think you can identify at least five different types of personality.

There are those personality types that won't put up a fight at all. There are Retreaters, those people who, at the first hint of an argument, back off with an apology and refuse to fight.

Then there are Defenders, people who, while they will not run away from conflict, are reluctant to fight back. Defenders are rather like hedgehogs, they just quietly curl up into a ball, stick their prickles out and hope that the conflict will end.

Then there are three types of personality who will fight. Aggressors are those types who are always looking for a fight and are quite ready to have a row anywhere, at any time, over almost anything. If you are married to an aggressor then you have my sympathy.

Finally, there are two groups of people who, while they don't tend to start fights, will retaliate. The Rapid Retaliators are those people who, at the first hint of an argument, hit back swiftly and without hesitation. Their motto is "So you want a fight do you? Well, take that!"

The Reluctant Retaliators are those people who, at first refuse to fight and either retreat a short way or take a defensive stand but who, when provoked, eventually explode and retaliate.

It is important to identify how your spouse handles conflicts and to adapt accordingly. To imagine that your spouse is a Retreater, when in fact they are really a Reluctant Retaliator can be a disastrous mistake.

Next time:
identifying stress areas
recognising the danger of conflict
working at conciliation

Material reproduced by permission. Taken from Marriage Works by J John (Authentic Publishing). J John is an author and evangelist, working with The Philo Trust.

© Christian Family Network
is run by CPO, supported by
Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting,
Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.


		ADVICE Conflict in marriage - and how to handle it - Part 2 In the second of a series of articles taken from his new book Marriage Works (Authentic Publishing), popular speaker and author J John looks at the thorny issue of understanding, avoiding and preparing for conflicts In the next section, I want to present 10 principles for handling conflict. But before I do, I want to discuss a number of issues relating to conflict that we need to know about first. a) Understand how conflicts develop In order to learn to avoid or minimise conflict, it is useful to understand how conflicts occur. Conflicts do not normally appear in an instant: like living creatures, they grow and develop. In a marriage, conflicts tend to develop through four well-marked stages that we can call Challenge, Complaint, Criticism and Contempt. To illustrate these stages, let's watch what happens when, one day, when it's his turn to do the cooking, Barry serves up spaghetti bolognese for his wife Lynda. It's very fine spaghetti bolognese really: the problem is that it's the third time he's made it in the last fortnight. I'll let you imagine Barry's responses, because it's Lynda's that we want to watch. 1 Challenge is where one partner in a marriage raises an issue in such a way as to make it plain that they are unhappy about it. Faced with her plate of Bolognese a la Barry, Lynda says in a quiet, but unmistakable tone: "Bolognese again?" In theory, this could just be a neutral statement of facts. But it isn't. Lynda is making a challenge, expressing in a general way her unhappiness and dissatisfaction. 2 Complaint is the next stage. With complaint the challenge is now deepened and focussed into a sharp and specific expression of dissatisfaction. So Lynda follows through by saying: "I think we have bolognese too often." There is now an accusing tone in her voice and although Barry might have overlooked her first comment, he can't overlook this. 3 With Criticism, there is a clear and unmistakable accusation of wrongdoing. Now Lynda says: "You always make bolognese". The temperature has risen even more. Notice the use of the word 'you' - this time, it's personal. And 'always' is hardly a neutral word either: it implies that this is a recurrent problem and that poor Barry is a persistent offender. 4 Criticism can easily pass into Contempt. Here, accusation is not enough - there is now a scornful, dismissive and hurtful edge to what is said. So now Lynda says: "I suppose you cook bolognese so much because you can't cook anything else!" Anger is a momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you. Horace (65-8BC) Contempt isn't the final stage in a conflict; it's just the final predictable stage. Once you reach the contempt level of conflict, the temperature is so high that almost anything can happen next. In the next stage ('Catastrophe'? 'Conflagration?'), there will doubtless be more angry accusations and counter-accusations and the conflict may easily be broadened out to cover other areas of the marriage. And, in the case of our illustration, the bolognese may well end up on the floor. I have listed these stages because they point out one of the main characteristics of conflict - its deadly ability to escalate. Unchecked or restrained, conflict soon spirals out of control as each new stage arouses an angry response. But recognising these conflict stages is helpful for two other reasons. First, it forewarns you of problems; when you are faced by a challenge you need to be aware that a criticism may already be brewing. Second, it should encourage you to act at the earliest stages of a conflict. Clearly, the easiest place to stop a conflict is at the beginning, before it has got much beyond the 'challenge' stage. A conflict evolving under its own ruthless logic is like a car parked at the top of a steep hill whose brakes have been let off. If you are going to stop it, it is best to do it before it builds up speed. b) Be aware of different reactions in conflict situations A complicating factor in handling conflicts is that different people react in different ways to conflict situations. I think you can identify at least five different types of personality. There are those personality types that won't put up a fight at all. There are Retreaters, those people who, at the first hint of an argument, back off with an apology and refuse to fight. Then there are Defenders, people who, while they will not run away from conflict, are reluctant to fight back. Defenders are rather like hedgehogs, they just quietly curl up into a ball, stick their prickles out and hope that the conflict will end. Then there are three types of personality who will fight. Aggressors are those types who are always looking for a fight and are quite ready to have a row anywhere, at any time, over almost anything. If you are married to an aggressor then you have my sympathy. Finally, there are two groups of people who, while they don't tend to start fights, will retaliate. The Rapid Retaliators are those people who, at the first hint of an argument, hit back swiftly and without hesitation. Their motto is "So you want a fight do you? Well, take that!" The Reluctant Retaliators are those people who, at first refuse to fight and either retreat a short way or take a defensive stand but who, when provoked, eventually explode and retaliate. It is important to identify how your spouse handles conflicts and to adapt accordingly. To imagine that your spouse is a Retreater, when in fact they are really a Reluctant Retaliator can be a disastrous mistake. Next time: identifying stress areas recognising the danger of conflict working at conciliation Material reproduced by permission. Taken from Marriage Works by J John (Authentic Publishing). J John is an author and evangelist, working with The Philo Trust. © Christian Family Network is run by CPO, supported by Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting, Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.