Advice

ADVICE

When you just have to stand back ... and watch

LIZ HANSFORD learns not to interfere as a parent

I am at the "watching" stage of parenthood. Before now, I could yank the kids back from danger, whether it was teetering too near the edge of a dangerous main road as toddlers or toying with the more negative side of clubbing culture as teens.

Now it’s a totally non-interventionist policy. They decide; I watch. They choose; I cement my teeth together and smile. This is harder than it sounds.

Nappies are infinitely easier to deal with than night clubs, and pocket money than student debt. Making rice krispie buns is fun, while having to eat "weed" flavoured pizza, because somebody else was drying out their drugs in your shared uni kitchen oven, sounds lethal. Being silent is infinitely more difficult than wading in with good advice.

Last night we phoned Michael who’s facing his first year university exams, reassured him, suggested he have a few early nights and I listened gratefully as Trev responded to his request that his dad pray with him over the phone. We are now responders to rather than directors of our son’s prayer life! The time for "God bless mummy and the stars and the dog," are long since over.

Andrew, now in his first job, recently brought his girlfriend over to meet us. As he wanders spiritually, trying to learn to be himself and shaking off the pains of "pastor’s kid", we must watch and not rush. We no longer set his boundaries; he is a free agent.

Now Alice is in the last trimester of her first pregnancy and Trev and I are contemplating first grandparent-hood. We have become the experts; she is a novice. But a novice who is determined to get it right - more teeth cementing required! Do I let her flounder round Mothercare - she who’s inhabited the world of manicures, business suits and laptops, or do I step in?

I watch again; having learnt that generously offered advice is not the best approach. She asks for help.

"Mum, what should I look for? How do you choose a pram?"
As I see them at this stage, I feel embarrassed at how often I’ve made God watch my mistakes, assuming I already knew how to handle situations. He has waited for me to ask; not forced me to do it his way.

It must be excruciatingly difficult for him to do when so much more is at stake than baby transport.

But freedom has a price.

And the most dangerous price of all is the possibility of Christian arrogance.

Liz Hansford is the author of Not A SuperSaint (Christina Press) and is married to a Belfast Baptist minister. This column first appeared in Christian Herald

© Christian Family Network
is run by CPO, supported by
Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting,
Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.


		ADVICE When you just have to stand back ... and watch LIZ HANSFORD learns not to interfere as a parent I am at the "watching" stage of parenthood. Before now, I could yank the kids back from danger, whether it was teetering too near the edge of a dangerous main road as toddlers or toying with the more negative side of clubbing culture as teens. Now it’s a totally non-interventionist policy. They decide; I watch. They choose; I cement my teeth together and smile. This is harder than it sounds. Nappies are infinitely easier to deal with than night clubs, and pocket money than student debt. Making rice krispie buns is fun, while having to eat "weed" flavoured pizza, because somebody else was drying out their drugs in your shared uni kitchen oven, sounds lethal. Being silent is infinitely more difficult than wading in with good advice. Last night we phoned Michael who’s facing his first year university exams, reassured him, suggested he have a few early nights and I listened gratefully as Trev responded to his request that his dad pray with him over the phone. We are now responders to rather than directors of our son’s prayer life! The time for "God bless mummy and the stars and the dog," are long since over. Andrew, now in his first job, recently brought his girlfriend over to meet us. As he wanders spiritually, trying to learn to be himself and shaking off the pains of "pastor’s kid", we must watch and not rush. We no longer set his boundaries; he is a free agent. Now Alice is in the last trimester of her first pregnancy and Trev and I are contemplating first grandparent-hood. We have become the experts; she is a novice. But a novice who is determined to get it right - more teeth cementing required! Do I let her flounder round Mothercare - she who’s inhabited the world of manicures, business suits and laptops, or do I step in? I watch again; having learnt that generously offered advice is not the best approach. She asks for help. "Mum, what should I look for? How do you choose a pram?" As I see them at this stage, I feel embarrassed at how often I’ve made God watch my mistakes, assuming I already knew how to handle situations. He has waited for me to ask; not forced me to do it his way. It must be excruciatingly difficult for him to do when so much more is at stake than baby transport. But freedom has a price. And the most dangerous price of all is the possibility of Christian arrogance. Liz Hansford is the author of Not A SuperSaint (Christina Press) and is married to a Belfast Baptist minister. This column first appeared in Christian Herald © Christian Family Network is run by CPO, supported by Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting, Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.