Advice

ADVICE

Conflict in marriage - and how to handle it - Part 3

In the third of a series of articles taken from his new book Marriage Works (Authentic Publishing), popular speaker and author J John looks at stress areas, conciliation and the danger conflict poses

Our family backgrounds play an important part in how we handle conflict situations.

Think of Harry, whose parents used to have violent rows regularly. The bad news is that because he has been brought up to think that rows are an inevitable part of life's routine, Harry can be rather careless about trying to prevent them from happening. However, the good news is that he has learned the dynamics of rows and conflicts and is skilled at handling and surviving them.

Naomi, however, is very different: she was fortunate enough to be brought up in a family where conflict was dealt with at such an early stage that she never even noticed its presence. The good news is that, as a result, she has high expectations that conflict will not occur in her own marriage. The bad news is that when conflict does happen, she is utterly thrown by it, thinks it's the end of the world and makes it all much worse by handling it very badly.

c) Identify the main stress areas

It is a great help to identify those areas in your marriage where problems and conflicts are likely to develop. The following are eight areas of married life where conflicts seem to occur most commonly:

Work
In-laws
Children and babies
Money
Sex
Housework
Conflicting personal habits
Ill-health and ageing

The first five of these stress areas have been dealt with in previous chapters. Concerning the last three, I merely want to make the briefest of comments.

Housework is, I'm afraid to say, an issue that is very much a 'gender thing'. On the whole, men are capable of living at a much lower level of hygiene and cleanliness than women are. It is not uncommon for a husband to be totally baffled by why his wife insists on vacuuming the house when she did it only last week or cleaning the bathroom when it was done last month. I do not, of course, defend such male attitudes, I merely note them.

Conflicting personal habits include such things as untidiness, unreliability or unpunctuality. What may have been an amusing personality trait during courtship has, over the years of marriage, become something that irritates to an extraordinary degree.

Illness and ageing is an enormous area, including such things as loss of looks, age and illness-related changes in lifestyle, and a whole spectrum of medical issues. Problems and conflicts here can often be caused by a failure of one or both parties in a marriage to come to terms with the effects of these factors. For instance, imagine a couple who are in their late fifties and who, every year, have a week's camping holiday. This year she is still keen, while he is less enthusiastic. He now realises that he no longer has the energy and enthusiasm for it that he once had. Somehow, the two of them have to face this issue with all its overtones of ageing and mortality.

There is a need in every marriage to recognise those areas that pose particular problems for you, your spouse or both of you. Where you can, avoid them. Where you have no option but to face them, seek to minimise their effects. And all the time, communicate your feelings about these issues to your partner.

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about how well his mother cooked.

d) Recognise the danger conflict poses to your marriage

Even the best marriages are fragile and vulnerable things. Most of the time, most of us recognise this and unconsciously create rules to protect the destruction of our marriages. So we keep our voices down, refrain from talking about hurtful matters and seek to calm issues rather than inflaming them. The problem with conflict, however, is that, in the heat of the argument, any such self-imposed regulations get trampled on. The result can all too easily be conflicts in which appalling and sometimes irreparable damage can be done. Because the rulebook is torn up, once a conflict starts no one can predict the way that it will end.

Imagine, for instance, a couple have a furious row. Full of fury, he lets slip that he thinks that she has become fat. Deeply hurt, she retaliates that she is ashamed of the way he behaves in public and wishes that she had never married him. After such things have been said, how can you get back to where you were? A few harsh words can wreck many years of patient toleration.

Turn to each other, not on each other.

In this context, it may be helpful to think of a marriage as being like two people walking together along a narrow cliff-side path, just a few feet from where a crumbling edge overhangs a hundred-foot drop. Any struggle will involve them moving out towards that edge and a major conflict poses a real risk that they both may plunge to destruction. Even a minor struggle cannot be risked: it would be all too easy to step on some unstable patch of ground that would suddenly give way.

The explanation of why, from 1945 onwards, the global superpowers never came to a direct major conflict with each other is very relevant here. The reason was that each side realised that even a limited conflict might escalate out of control into one where nuclear weapons were used and both were destroyed. The term for that bleak scenario was 'Mutually Assured Destruction' with its appropriate acronym of MAD. It is worth realising that in any marriage there is the potential for domestic MAD, and its existence should have the same effect. Think twice before allowing a conflict to escalate!

e) Work at conciliation

Have a heart that never hardens, and a touch that never hurts.
Charles Dickens

The antidote to conflict is conciliation: the renewing of trust or agreement between parties and the restoration of relationships. Even where conflict is inevitable, a conciliatory attitude can make things a lot easier.

To practice conciliation is to try to defuse a conflict. If you think of conflict as a step-by-step ascent up the ladder of Challenge, Complaint, Criticism and Contempt, then conciliation is the attempt to stop that process. In conciliation, you are trying to neutralise and disarm anger.

Remember the illustration of Barry, Lynda and the spaghetti bolognese that I used earlier? Now suppose that instead of making the challenge of 'Bolognese again?' Lynda had switched into conciliatory mode. She might have instead said something along the lines of "You know I was wondering if we could have a change from bolognese? Perhaps I could make a risotto tomorrow?"

This may seem a minor change, but notice four things about it.

The language ('you know', 'was wondering', 'perhaps I could') is now gentle and non-threatening.
The tone of negative disapproval has been changed to one of positive suggestion.
Although the original challenge did not use the word 'you', it was implied, and the effect was accusatory. A much more neutral and non-threatening 'we' has now replaced it. Instead of being divisive, Lynda's comment is now uniting.
Finally, in the offer to 'make a risotto tomorrow' there is the proposal of a 'sacrificial' alternative. There is a problem, Lynda is saying, but let me, not you, bear the cost of solving it.

So conciliation can be brought in right at the start of a conflict and can stop the cycle of conflict from ever beginning. But conciliation can be brought in even later. So even if Lynda had uttered her challenge of 'Spaghetti again?' Barry might still have been able to make a conciliatory answer by saying something along the lines of 'Sorry, Lynda, I was going to do a curry but I forgot to get some rice,' or 'Oh, I'm sorry, I had completely forgotten that we'd had it so recently.'

Now for Barry to say either of these things, or anything similar, might not be easy; he might easily appear foolish. But then conciliation is never easy, especially when you feel that you are being attacked, and the temptation is always to retaliate in a similar vein.

Other issues exist when the challenge or the accusation is unfair. Then you may have to balance the desire for conciliation against the necessity of tackling issues that really do need dealing with.

Next time:
why conflict is inevitable
working through the principles of forgiveness

Material reproduced by permission. Taken from Marriage Works by J John (Authentic Publishing). J John is an author and evangelist, working with The Philo Trust.

© Christian Family Network
is run by CPO, supported by
Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting,
Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.


		ADVICE Conflict in marriage - and how to handle it - Part 3 In the third of a series of articles taken from his new book Marriage Works (Authentic Publishing), popular speaker and author J John looks at stress areas, conciliation and the danger conflict poses Our family backgrounds play an important part in how we handle conflict situations. Think of Harry, whose parents used to have violent rows regularly. The bad news is that because he has been brought up to think that rows are an inevitable part of life's routine, Harry can be rather careless about trying to prevent them from happening. However, the good news is that he has learned the dynamics of rows and conflicts and is skilled at handling and surviving them. Naomi, however, is very different: she was fortunate enough to be brought up in a family where conflict was dealt with at such an early stage that she never even noticed its presence. The good news is that, as a result, she has high expectations that conflict will not occur in her own marriage. The bad news is that when conflict does happen, she is utterly thrown by it, thinks it's the end of the world and makes it all much worse by handling it very badly. c) Identify the main stress areas It is a great help to identify those areas in your marriage where problems and conflicts are likely to develop. The following are eight areas of married life where conflicts seem to occur most commonly: Work In-laws Children and babies Money Sex Housework Conflicting personal habits Ill-health and ageing The first five of these stress areas have been dealt with in previous chapters. Concerning the last three, I merely want to make the briefest of comments. Housework is, I'm afraid to say, an issue that is very much a 'gender thing'. On the whole, men are capable of living at a much lower level of hygiene and cleanliness than women are. It is not uncommon for a husband to be totally baffled by why his wife insists on vacuuming the house when she did it only last week or cleaning the bathroom when it was done last month. I do not, of course, defend such male attitudes, I merely note them. Conflicting personal habits include such things as untidiness, unreliability or unpunctuality. What may have been an amusing personality trait during courtship has, over the years of marriage, become something that irritates to an extraordinary degree. Illness and ageing is an enormous area, including such things as loss of looks, age and illness-related changes in lifestyle, and a whole spectrum of medical issues. Problems and conflicts here can often be caused by a failure of one or both parties in a marriage to come to terms with the effects of these factors. For instance, imagine a couple who are in their late fifties and who, every year, have a week's camping holiday. This year she is still keen, while he is less enthusiastic. He now realises that he no longer has the energy and enthusiasm for it that he once had. Somehow, the two of them have to face this issue with all its overtones of ageing and mortality. There is a need in every marriage to recognise those areas that pose particular problems for you, your spouse or both of you. Where you can, avoid them. Where you have no option but to face them, seek to minimise their effects. And all the time, communicate your feelings about these issues to your partner. Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about how well his mother cooked. d) Recognise the danger conflict poses to your marriage Even the best marriages are fragile and vulnerable things. Most of the time, most of us recognise this and unconsciously create rules to protect the destruction of our marriages. So we keep our voices down, refrain from talking about hurtful matters and seek to calm issues rather than inflaming them. The problem with conflict, however, is that, in the heat of the argument, any such self-imposed regulations get trampled on. The result can all too easily be conflicts in which appalling and sometimes irreparable damage can be done. Because the rulebook is torn up, once a conflict starts no one can predict the way that it will end. Imagine, for instance, a couple have a furious row. Full of fury, he lets slip that he thinks that she has become fat. Deeply hurt, she retaliates that she is ashamed of the way he behaves in public and wishes that she had never married him. After such things have been said, how can you get back to where you were? A few harsh words can wreck many years of patient toleration. Turn to each other, not on each other. In this context, it may be helpful to think of a marriage as being like two people walking together along a narrow cliff-side path, just a few feet from where a crumbling edge overhangs a hundred-foot drop. Any struggle will involve them moving out towards that edge and a major conflict poses a real risk that they both may plunge to destruction. Even a minor struggle cannot be risked: it would be all too easy to step on some unstable patch of ground that would suddenly give way. The explanation of why, from 1945 onwards, the global superpowers never came to a direct major conflict with each other is very relevant here. The reason was that each side realised that even a limited conflict might escalate out of control into one where nuclear weapons were used and both were destroyed. The term for that bleak scenario was 'Mutually Assured Destruction' with its appropriate acronym of MAD. It is worth realising that in any marriage there is the potential for domestic MAD, and its existence should have the same effect. Think twice before allowing a conflict to escalate! e) Work at conciliation Have a heart that never hardens, and a touch that never hurts. Charles Dickens The antidote to conflict is conciliation: the renewing of trust or agreement between parties and the restoration of relationships. Even where conflict is inevitable, a conciliatory attitude can make things a lot easier. To practice conciliation is to try to defuse a conflict. If you think of conflict as a step-by-step ascent up the ladder of Challenge, Complaint, Criticism and Contempt, then conciliation is the attempt to stop that process. In conciliation, you are trying to neutralise and disarm anger. Remember the illustration of Barry, Lynda and the spaghetti bolognese that I used earlier? Now suppose that instead of making the challenge of 'Bolognese again?' Lynda had switched into conciliatory mode. She might have instead said something along the lines of "You know I was wondering if we could have a change from bolognese? Perhaps I could make a risotto tomorrow?" This may seem a minor change, but notice four things about it. The language ('you know', 'was wondering', 'perhaps I could') is now gentle and non-threatening. The tone of negative disapproval has been changed to one of positive suggestion. Although the original challenge did not use the word 'you', it was implied, and the effect was accusatory. A much more neutral and non-threatening 'we' has now replaced it. Instead of being divisive, Lynda's comment is now uniting. Finally, in the offer to 'make a risotto tomorrow' there is the proposal of a 'sacrificial' alternative. There is a problem, Lynda is saying, but let me, not you, bear the cost of solving it. So conciliation can be brought in right at the start of a conflict and can stop the cycle of conflict from ever beginning. But conciliation can be brought in even later. So even if Lynda had uttered her challenge of 'Spaghetti again?' Barry might still have been able to make a conciliatory answer by saying something along the lines of 'Sorry, Lynda, I was going to do a curry but I forgot to get some rice,' or 'Oh, I'm sorry, I had completely forgotten that we'd had it so recently.' Now for Barry to say either of these things, or anything similar, might not be easy; he might easily appear foolish. But then conciliation is never easy, especially when you feel that you are being attacked, and the temptation is always to retaliate in a similar vein. Other issues exist when the challenge or the accusation is unfair. Then you may have to balance the desire for conciliation against the necessity of tackling issues that really do need dealing with. Next time: why conflict is inevitable working through the principles of forgiveness Material reproduced by permission. Taken from Marriage Works by J John (Authentic Publishing). J John is an author and evangelist, working with The Philo Trust. © Christian Family Network is run by CPO, supported by Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting, Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.