Advice

ADVICE

Conflict in marriage - and how to handle it - Part 5

In the fifth of a series of articles taken from his new book Marriage Works (Authentic Publishing), popular speaker and author J John examines the need for establishing rules for handling conflict

h) Setting rules for handling conflict

Talk to anyone in the fire brigade and they will say that the best way to fight fires is a) stop them for happening in the first place and b) have measures in place to deal with them if they do occur. The same advice can be offered in respect of marriage conflicts: try to prevent them, but also have strategies in place for handling and containing conflicts if they do occur. The idea is to have rules to ensure that there is a 'fair fight' and that neither combatant suffers lasting damage.

There is widespread reluctance in a marriage to actually think about how conflicts are going to be handled. Some of that reluctance comes from the wondrously naive view that 'conflicts won't happen to us', and some of it, doubtless, from the idea that to prepare for conflict in marriage is somehow to invite it. Nevertheless, if there is going to be conflict in a marriage, and all the evidence suggests there will be, then it is surely better to have some rules in place to govern what happens.

Let me suggest the sort of rules that you should agree to:

Agree that there must be no physical violence. I shouldn't really have to say this but it is important to agree that throwing things, slapping, etc is quite off limits. Agree too, that it is impermissible to even threaten to use violence.

Agree that there must be no verbal abuse. 'Sticks and stones can break my bones but calling names won't hurt me' is the old playground chant, but sadly, it is a false claim. In fact, verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse. Broken bones can heal, but for many people, the wounds made by insults never heal. Agree that calling each other names and insulting each other is not acceptable. Treat each other with respect (at the very least).

Agree that certain issues and topics will not be brought up when you argue. You might, for instance, agree not to bring in such sensitive things as previous mistakes, past relationships or in-laws. Each couple should have their own list of things that they have decided between them to declare off limits. Such a list of excluded topics cannot be completely unbreakable - after all, it might be your in-laws that are the problem.

Agree limits to your conflicts. These limits may be of space or time. So, for instance, you may agree on a principle of never arguing in bed or the bedroom, or never arguing beyond a particular time. I will talk more about this later.

Agree to never threaten to walk out or end the marriage. Irrespective of whether you have agreed that divorce is not an option: to say something like, "Right, I've had enough; I'm leaving you!" is quite unacceptable. To do this is to give up discussion in favour of verbal bullying. By threatening to use the 'ultimate weapon', the stakes have been raised to a point where it is impossible to continue the debate any further.

Agree not to start a conflict just whenever you feel like it. Commit yourselves to postponing your disagreements until you can meet and talk together privately.

Agree to let each other speak. It is all too easy for the one partner in a marriage to dominate a discussion and even to refuse to let the other party have their say. Promise that you will both let each other make those points that need to be expressed.

Agree to forgive each other promptly. You may need to consider forgiveness and what it means more carefully. Both of you need to remember that only forgiveness will stop a conflict running on and on.

You might think up other rules that you would want to bring in, but my advice is don't be too unrealistic or the whole idea of agreed rules may end up being thrown away. Finally, why not write them down and put them somewhere safe and accessible?

Next time: The first three of 10 essential principles for dealing with disagreement in your marriage

Material reproduced by permission. Taken from Marriage Works by J John (Authentic Publishing). J John is an author and evangelist, working with The Philo Trust.

© Christian Family Network
is run by CPO, supported by
Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting,
Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.


		ADVICE Conflict in marriage - and how to handle it - Part 5 In the fifth of a series of articles taken from his new book Marriage Works (Authentic Publishing), popular speaker and author J John examines the need for establishing rules for handling conflict h) Setting rules for handling conflict Talk to anyone in the fire brigade and they will say that the best way to fight fires is a) stop them for happening in the first place and b) have measures in place to deal with them if they do occur. The same advice can be offered in respect of marriage conflicts: try to prevent them, but also have strategies in place for handling and containing conflicts if they do occur. The idea is to have rules to ensure that there is a 'fair fight' and that neither combatant suffers lasting damage. There is widespread reluctance in a marriage to actually think about how conflicts are going to be handled. Some of that reluctance comes from the wondrously naive view that 'conflicts won't happen to us', and some of it, doubtless, from the idea that to prepare for conflict in marriage is somehow to invite it. Nevertheless, if there is going to be conflict in a marriage, and all the evidence suggests there will be, then it is surely better to have some rules in place to govern what happens. Let me suggest the sort of rules that you should agree to: Agree that there must be no physical violence. I shouldn't really have to say this but it is important to agree that throwing things, slapping, etc is quite off limits. Agree too, that it is impermissible to even threaten to use violence. Agree that there must be no verbal abuse. 'Sticks and stones can break my bones but calling names won't hurt me' is the old playground chant, but sadly, it is a false claim. In fact, verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse. Broken bones can heal, but for many people, the wounds made by insults never heal. Agree that calling each other names and insulting each other is not acceptable. Treat each other with respect (at the very least). Agree that certain issues and topics will not be brought up when you argue. You might, for instance, agree not to bring in such sensitive things as previous mistakes, past relationships or in-laws. Each couple should have their own list of things that they have decided between them to declare off limits. Such a list of excluded topics cannot be completely unbreakable - after all, it might be your in-laws that are the problem. Agree limits to your conflicts. These limits may be of space or time. So, for instance, you may agree on a principle of never arguing in bed or the bedroom, or never arguing beyond a particular time. I will talk more about this later. Agree to never threaten to walk out or end the marriage. Irrespective of whether you have agreed that divorce is not an option: to say something like, "Right, I've had enough; I'm leaving you!" is quite unacceptable. To do this is to give up discussion in favour of verbal bullying. By threatening to use the 'ultimate weapon', the stakes have been raised to a point where it is impossible to continue the debate any further. Agree not to start a conflict just whenever you feel like it. Commit yourselves to postponing your disagreements until you can meet and talk together privately. Agree to let each other speak. It is all too easy for the one partner in a marriage to dominate a discussion and even to refuse to let the other party have their say. Promise that you will both let each other make those points that need to be expressed. Agree to forgive each other promptly. You may need to consider forgiveness and what it means more carefully. Both of you need to remember that only forgiveness will stop a conflict running on and on. You might think up other rules that you would want to bring in, but my advice is don't be too unrealistic or the whole idea of agreed rules may end up being thrown away. Finally, why not write them down and put them somewhere safe and accessible? Next time: The first three of 10 essential principles for dealing with disagreement in your marriage Material reproduced by permission. Taken from Marriage Works by J John (Authentic Publishing). J John is an author and evangelist, working with The Philo Trust. © Christian Family Network is run by CPO, supported by Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting, Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.