Advice

ADVICE

Conflict in marriage - and how to handle it - Part 6

In the sixth of a series of articles taken from his new book Marriage Works (Authentic Publishing), popular speaker and author J John looks at 10 key principles that will help you to handle conflict and have the best chance of emerging from it with a stronger relationship

Ten Principles for Handling Marriage Conflict

Conflict, at some point, is inevitable in any marriage. But when it occurs, how do we handle it?

Nowadays 'Conflict Resolution', whether for marriages, businesses or even nations, is a major area of the social sciences and there are all sorts of books, tapes and courses on the subject. Much of what is taught under the name of conflict resolution is excellent and helpful, and if you find yourself in a marriage where conflict seems to be permanently on the agenda, then you may find some of these resources useful. Let me, however, give three warnings.

First, because a marriage is very different from the workplace, 'industrial strength' conflict resolution techniques can be quite inappropriate in a domestic dispute. You are dealing with a far deeper, more intimate and delicate relationship than that of employer-employee!

Second, there is a danger that, in the intimacy of marriage, suddenly bringing in conflict resolution techniques can come over as artificial and cliched. So if one party in a marriage dispute suddenly starts to trot out phrases such as 'we are both stakeholders in this', 'we need to seek consensus here' or even 'believe me, I feel your pain' it may make matters worse. It is far better to go beyond applying techniques in specific moments of crisis, to incorporating principles into your marriage on a permanent basis. Conflict resolution is less like a course of antibiotics to be suddenly swallowed when an infection breaks out, and more like a course of vitamins that are taken on a daily basis.

Third, some types of conflict resolution carry with them philosophical or religious undertones that need careful examination.

Nevertheless, there are a number of important principles that can be identified for handling marriage conflicts correctly. Let me suggest 10 in particular:

1 Put the relationship first

If you are in a marriage conflict situation, your objective must never be to achieve a personal victory. Because you are united to your spouse, a defeat for them is a defeat for both of you. This radical perspective requires a new attitude to dealing with conflicts, your priority now is not victory but resolution. The term 'conflict resolution' is not just a trendy cliche; it makes an important point. With resolution, both sides win and the marriage wins.

If your working life revolves around winning arguments or clinching deals, the idea of seeking to resolve, rather than to win, may be a concept that you need to work at. In order to achieve that resolution, your own pride may have to suffer. The Christian emphasis on being humble and being prepared to suffer is one that is very helpful in marriage. To put the relationship first means that you have to be prepared to lose face in front of your spouse. But then if you can't bear to lose face in front of your spouse, you have a problem that needs addressing. Let me make one more suggestion here: never ever allow yourself to get in the frame of mind where you see your spouse as 'the enemy'. To take such a view is to invite an almost inevitable marriage disaster.

2 Try to understand

One of the many half-truths that float around in our language is the statement 'to understand is to forgive'. In fact, understanding and forgiveness are two quite separate things. Nevertheless, it is undeniable that it is easier to sympathise and, therefore to forgive, if we can see the situation through the other person's eyes.

Understanding is particularly vital in a marital conflict, because the real issues may not always be what they seem to be. For example, imagine a domestic row that on the surface is all about whether to replace a sofa. The real issue of the conflict may actually be that one party feels that they are being marginalized in the domestic decision-making process, or that they believe that the money should be spent elsewhere. The conflict may even be an expression of something totally different, perhaps the fact that someone has had a bad day at work. But if this dispute is really about deeper issues, or even something else altogether, to resolve the issue of the sofa may be only a temporary or partial solution: the real root issue of the problem may not have been addressed.

A man walked into a bookstore and asked the woman behind the counter, 'Have you got a book called, Man, the Master of Woman?' 'Try the fiction section,' said the woman.

In a marital conflict, understanding what is really going on can often be hindered by gender differences. Men and women tend to engage in conflict in quite different ways. In a row, a woman is likely to come out with a flood of words and emotions. A man, in contrast, will probably be much less emotional: he is likely to coolly challenge her logic, correct her inaccuracies, pick at the details and try to show how unreasonable she is. It is rather odd that, even after thousands of years of allure, men still naively hold onto the belief that they can win domestic arguments by logic!
What is to be done? Let me suggest two guidelines.

First, make understanding a priority. In a conflict, it is easy to want, above all, to demonstrate that your own point of view is wise, good and right. But it is far better to forget making self-justification your goal - remember, in a marriage, winning is not the issue - and instead try to quietly ask directed questions to find out the real issues. These might be along the lines of 'what is the problem?' 'Is that the real problem?' and 'What answer would you like?'

Second, determine those areas where you agree. You will, hopefully, never disagree with your spouse 100 per cent, so try to find out those areas where there is agreement. Such a strategy has several advantages. First, it is positive in that it highlights those features that unite you, rather than those that divide you. Secondly, it helps identify the specific problem and points out the area where hard work is needed.

A genuinely useful conflict resolution technique is to try to express the problem in your own words. So, when your spouse says something like 'I hate this house - it feels like a weight tied around my neck,' you might respond with something such as 'Okay, so what I understand you to be saying is that you find that the upkeep and maintenance of this house is physically draining you. Is that right?' This kind of response does several things. It shows that you have heard what is being said.

Trying to express the problem another way forces you to identify with the issues and, very importantly, to see things through your spouse's eyes. Because it is a neutral request for information, rather than a judgemental statement such as 'Tough, it was your decision to buy it!' it builds bonds, rather than breaks them.

Furthermore, the perspective you come up with may help your spouse to see the problem from a different point of view.

3 Aim for a resolution that cures, not simply calms

Because a marital conflict hurts so much, it is tempting to adopt any strategy that promises to ease matters. The danger here is that you settle for a temporary solution rather than a permanent resolution. This is similar to someone who, after injuring themselves, decides to treat the pain with aspirin instead of going to the doctor. It is quicker, easier, and may deal with the symptoms, but if there is a real problem then it is no solution, and may in the long run make matters worse. Conflict suppression may appear to be the same as conflict resolution, but it is not. This sort of temporary and superficial treatment can easily produce a situation where the problem resurfaces again.

As Athenodorus was taking his leave of Caesar, 'Remember', said he, 'Caesar, whenever you are angry, to say or do nothing before you have repeated the four-and-twenty letters to yourself.' Plutarch (46-120)

Do remember too, that you may have to resolve two separate things: the real issue of the conflict and the emotions that have arisen from it. Husbands often fall short in this area, because they tend to see the issues while overlooking the associated emotional hurts. The result is that while they may successfully resolve the issues, they may fail to address the emotional wounds.

Next time: The next three of 10 essential principles for dealing with disagreement in your marriage

Material reproduced by permission. Taken from Marriage Works by J John (Authentic Publishing). J John is an author and evangelist, working with The Philo Trust.

© Christian Family Network
is run by CPO, supported by
Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting,
Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.


		ADVICE Conflict in marriage - and how to handle it - Part 6 In the sixth of a series of articles taken from his new book Marriage Works (Authentic Publishing), popular speaker and author J John looks at 10 key principles that will help you to handle conflict and have the best chance of emerging from it with a stronger relationship Ten Principles for Handling Marriage Conflict Conflict, at some point, is inevitable in any marriage. But when it occurs, how do we handle it? Nowadays 'Conflict Resolution', whether for marriages, businesses or even nations, is a major area of the social sciences and there are all sorts of books, tapes and courses on the subject. Much of what is taught under the name of conflict resolution is excellent and helpful, and if you find yourself in a marriage where conflict seems to be permanently on the agenda, then you may find some of these resources useful. Let me, however, give three warnings. First, because a marriage is very different from the workplace, 'industrial strength' conflict resolution techniques can be quite inappropriate in a domestic dispute. You are dealing with a far deeper, more intimate and delicate relationship than that of employer-employee! Second, there is a danger that, in the intimacy of marriage, suddenly bringing in conflict resolution techniques can come over as artificial and cliched. So if one party in a marriage dispute suddenly starts to trot out phrases such as 'we are both stakeholders in this', 'we need to seek consensus here' or even 'believe me, I feel your pain' it may make matters worse. It is far better to go beyond applying techniques in specific moments of crisis, to incorporating principles into your marriage on a permanent basis. Conflict resolution is less like a course of antibiotics to be suddenly swallowed when an infection breaks out, and more like a course of vitamins that are taken on a daily basis. Third, some types of conflict resolution carry with them philosophical or religious undertones that need careful examination. Nevertheless, there are a number of important principles that can be identified for handling marriage conflicts correctly. Let me suggest 10 in particular: 1 Put the relationship first If you are in a marriage conflict situation, your objective must never be to achieve a personal victory. Because you are united to your spouse, a defeat for them is a defeat for both of you. This radical perspective requires a new attitude to dealing with conflicts, your priority now is not victory but resolution. The term 'conflict resolution' is not just a trendy cliche; it makes an important point. With resolution, both sides win and the marriage wins. If your working life revolves around winning arguments or clinching deals, the idea of seeking to resolve, rather than to win, may be a concept that you need to work at. In order to achieve that resolution, your own pride may have to suffer. The Christian emphasis on being humble and being prepared to suffer is one that is very helpful in marriage. To put the relationship first means that you have to be prepared to lose face in front of your spouse. But then if you can't bear to lose face in front of your spouse, you have a problem that needs addressing. Let me make one more suggestion here: never ever allow yourself to get in the frame of mind where you see your spouse as 'the enemy'. To take such a view is to invite an almost inevitable marriage disaster. 2 Try to understand One of the many half-truths that float around in our language is the statement 'to understand is to forgive'. In fact, understanding and forgiveness are two quite separate things. Nevertheless, it is undeniable that it is easier to sympathise and, therefore to forgive, if we can see the situation through the other person's eyes. Understanding is particularly vital in a marital conflict, because the real issues may not always be what they seem to be. For example, imagine a domestic row that on the surface is all about whether to replace a sofa. The real issue of the conflict may actually be that one party feels that they are being marginalized in the domestic decision-making process, or that they believe that the money should be spent elsewhere. The conflict may even be an expression of something totally different, perhaps the fact that someone has had a bad day at work. But if this dispute is really about deeper issues, or even something else altogether, to resolve the issue of the sofa may be only a temporary or partial solution: the real root issue of the problem may not have been addressed. A man walked into a bookstore and asked the woman behind the counter, 'Have you got a book called, Man, the Master of Woman?' 'Try the fiction section,' said the woman. In a marital conflict, understanding what is really going on can often be hindered by gender differences. Men and women tend to engage in conflict in quite different ways. In a row, a woman is likely to come out with a flood of words and emotions. A man, in contrast, will probably be much less emotional: he is likely to coolly challenge her logic, correct her inaccuracies, pick at the details and try to show how unreasonable she is. It is rather odd that, even after thousands of years of allure, men still naively hold onto the belief that they can win domestic arguments by logic! What is to be done? Let me suggest two guidelines. First, make understanding a priority. In a conflict, it is easy to want, above all, to demonstrate that your own point of view is wise, good and right. But it is far better to forget making self-justification your goal - remember, in a marriage, winning is not the issue - and instead try to quietly ask directed questions to find out the real issues. These might be along the lines of 'what is the problem?' 'Is that the real problem?' and 'What answer would you like?' Second, determine those areas where you agree. You will, hopefully, never disagree with your spouse 100 per cent, so try to find out those areas where there is agreement. Such a strategy has several advantages. First, it is positive in that it highlights those features that unite you, rather than those that divide you. Secondly, it helps identify the specific problem and points out the area where hard work is needed. A genuinely useful conflict resolution technique is to try to express the problem in your own words. So, when your spouse says something like 'I hate this house - it feels like a weight tied around my neck,' you might respond with something such as 'Okay, so what I understand you to be saying is that you find that the upkeep and maintenance of this house is physically draining you. Is that right?' This kind of response does several things. It shows that you have heard what is being said. Trying to express the problem another way forces you to identify with the issues and, very importantly, to see things through your spouse's eyes. Because it is a neutral request for information, rather than a judgemental statement such as 'Tough, it was your decision to buy it!' it builds bonds, rather than breaks them. Furthermore, the perspective you come up with may help your spouse to see the problem from a different point of view. 3 Aim for a resolution that cures, not simply calms Because a marital conflict hurts so much, it is tempting to adopt any strategy that promises to ease matters. The danger here is that you settle for a temporary solution rather than a permanent resolution. This is similar to someone who, after injuring themselves, decides to treat the pain with aspirin instead of going to the doctor. It is quicker, easier, and may deal with the symptoms, but if there is a real problem then it is no solution, and may in the long run make matters worse. Conflict suppression may appear to be the same as conflict resolution, but it is not. This sort of temporary and superficial treatment can easily produce a situation where the problem resurfaces again. As Athenodorus was taking his leave of Caesar, 'Remember', said he, 'Caesar, whenever you are angry, to say or do nothing before you have repeated the four-and-twenty letters to yourself.' Plutarch (46-120) Do remember too, that you may have to resolve two separate things: the real issue of the conflict and the emotions that have arisen from it. Husbands often fall short in this area, because they tend to see the issues while overlooking the associated emotional hurts. The result is that while they may successfully resolve the issues, they may fail to address the emotional wounds. Next time: The next three of 10 essential principles for dealing with disagreement in your marriage Material reproduced by permission. Taken from Marriage Works by J John (Authentic Publishing). J John is an author and evangelist, working with The Philo Trust. © Christian Family Network is run by CPO, supported by Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting, Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.