Advice

ADVICE

Bullying

You may feel angry and helpless if your child is being bullied but there are steps you can take to help

John was always very tall for his age and Margaret is very sensitive. But bullies can always find a 'reason' to bully - wrong size, shape, race, colour ... anything will do.

Being bullied can be traumatising for the child, leaving them feeling frightened and alone, with their self-confidence in tatters. Parents too can feel overwhelmed, not knowing what to do, or how to get support.

John, now 15, has been threatened with a broken bottle, kicked in the teeth and hospitalised twice - and wonders what he ever did wrong. Of course, he did nothing wrong: he's just taller than the other kids and stands out.

"You want to scream to the world, and for the bullies to be punished, and you want to protect your child," says his mum Sarah. But like many teenagers, John feels he has to cope on his own.

"He begs me not to do anything," Sarah says. "He feels he has to go back into school and face these children. If I get involved his credibility goes down."

Margaret is a sensitive eight-year-old and can't shake off the teasing in her primary school playground. It's not about anything in particular, but her mum Jennie was horrified when Margaret told her she wanted to run away so she wouldn't have to go to school.

"It was making her ill. Things are calmer since the school got involved, but I still worry."

Many parents feel angry and helpless about what is happening to their children. But there is plenty you can do.

"You have to be there for your child, find a way to get them to talk," says Sarah. "If they don't get support, then their self-esteem goes down, leaving them more open to attack."

It's the law that every school has an anti-bullying policy in place. So if your child is being bullied, check that the school is following its own code. Talk to the teachers about how they intend to deal with it, and make sure there's someone in the school who will listen to your child when they say they're being bullied. Persistent bullies can even be excluded.

At home, you can help to build your child's confidence so they can feel less intimidated - most bullies enjoy knowing they are frightening and soon give up if it doesn't work.

"I don't know what the power is that bullies have over other children," says Sarah. "But I still believe there is good in everybody - children need to learn about the effects of their bullying.

"But there is always something more you can do as a parent: you have to fight for your child and always go one step further."

What's Happening to My Child? - would you spot the bullying signs?

You find your daughter in her bedroom. Her school uniform is torn. She won't tell you what happened ...

Do you:
a) Tell her off for being careless with her clothes
b) Tell her to pull herself together and do her homework
c) Ask her to tell you what's happened. Reassure her that you won't do anything hasty

Your son is reluctant to go to school and his marks are dropping in class ...

Do you:
a) Tell him he'll get no new trainers till his marks improve
b) Suspect he is being bullied and tell him to hit back if someone hits him
c) Suspect he is being bullied and arrange to talk to his teacher about what is happening

Your son becomes moody and withdrawn ...

Do you:
a) Send him to his room
b) Assume he's becoming a nightmare teenager and tell him to go to bed early
c) Tell him you know something is wrong and you are concerned and you are there if he wants to talk

How did you answer?

Mostly (a)s
Children are exasperating at times. But sometimes it is better to try and see what is happening to them before you tell them off for their behaviour.
Mostly (b)s
Your child may be reluctant to tell you they are being bullied if they think you will just tell them to pull themselves together.
Mostly (c)s
If your child is being bullied they will need help dealing with it. Letting them talk in their own time and letting them know you are listening will make them feel less alone. Bullying is never acceptable and being bullied is not something to feel ashamed of - although children often do.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Reassure your child that it is not their fault, let them know that you will help, and involve them in any decisions about action you might take.
Ask to see the school's anti-bullying policy; all schools are required to have one. Involve your child in any school meeting to try and resolve the situation.
Do not accept that repeated verbal abuse is teasing and not bullying; the important issue is if it is distressing your child.
Keep a record of any bullying incidents, what happened and, if possible, who was involved.
Keep a record of the dates and times that you contact the school, ensure the school takes action and follow up each step until you are satisfied.

Signs of Bullying

* bruises
* broken or missing possessions
* your child being withdrawn
* changes in eating or sleeping
* complaints of headaches or stomach aches
* bed wetting
* worrying about going to school

Remember, these could also be signs of other problems in their lives.

What If ...

... your child is the bully?

talk to them about how they feel - bullies are often hiding a problem in their bullying behaviour
tell them that you love them, but their behaviour is unacceptable
show them ways of behaving that are not aggressive and get them positive attention
check how they're doing at school: there may be a problem that could be easily sorted out

Do you need help?

Parentline Plus confidential 24-hour helpline 0808 800 2222
Bullying Online
ChildLine bullying line 0800 1111. Freepost 1111 London N1 0BR
www.antibully.org.uk - help for parents and children with step-by-step action parents can take
www.young-voice.org - for and by children who are being bullied.

(material extracted from magazine Parents + Schools Issue 6)

© Christian Family Network
is run by CPO, supported by
Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting,
Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.


		ADVICE Bullying You may feel angry and helpless if your child is being bullied but there are steps you can take to help John was always very tall for his age and Margaret is very sensitive. But bullies can always find a 'reason' to bully - wrong size, shape, race, colour ... anything will do. Being bullied can be traumatising for the child, leaving them feeling frightened and alone, with their self-confidence in tatters. Parents too can feel overwhelmed, not knowing what to do, or how to get support. John, now 15, has been threatened with a broken bottle, kicked in the teeth and hospitalised twice - and wonders what he ever did wrong. Of course, he did nothing wrong: he's just taller than the other kids and stands out. "You want to scream to the world, and for the bullies to be punished, and you want to protect your child," says his mum Sarah. But like many teenagers, John feels he has to cope on his own. "He begs me not to do anything," Sarah says. "He feels he has to go back into school and face these children. If I get involved his credibility goes down." Margaret is a sensitive eight-year-old and can't shake off the teasing in her primary school playground. It's not about anything in particular, but her mum Jennie was horrified when Margaret told her she wanted to run away so she wouldn't have to go to school. "It was making her ill. Things are calmer since the school got involved, but I still worry." Many parents feel angry and helpless about what is happening to their children. But there is plenty you can do. "You have to be there for your child, find a way to get them to talk," says Sarah. "If they don't get support, then their self-esteem goes down, leaving them more open to attack." It's the law that every school has an anti-bullying policy in place. So if your child is being bullied, check that the school is following its own code. Talk to the teachers about how they intend to deal with it, and make sure there's someone in the school who will listen to your child when they say they're being bullied. Persistent bullies can even be excluded. At home, you can help to build your child's confidence so they can feel less intimidated - most bullies enjoy knowing they are frightening and soon give up if it doesn't work. "I don't know what the power is that bullies have over other children," says Sarah. "But I still believe there is good in everybody - children need to learn about the effects of their bullying. "But there is always something more you can do as a parent: you have to fight for your child and always go one step further." What's Happening to My Child? - would you spot the bullying signs? You find your daughter in her bedroom. Her school uniform is torn. She won't tell you what happened ... Do you: a) Tell her off for being careless with her clothes b) Tell her to pull herself together and do her homework c) Ask her to tell you what's happened. Reassure her that you won't do anything hasty Your son is reluctant to go to school and his marks are dropping in class ... Do you: a) Tell him he'll get no new trainers till his marks improve b) Suspect he is being bullied and tell him to hit back if someone hits him c) Suspect he is being bullied and arrange to talk to his teacher about what is happening Your son becomes moody and withdrawn ... Do you: a) Send him to his room b) Assume he's becoming a nightmare teenager and tell him to go to bed early c) Tell him you know something is wrong and you are concerned and you are there if he wants to talk How did you answer? Mostly (a)s Children are exasperating at times. But sometimes it is better to try and see what is happening to them before you tell them off for their behaviour. Mostly (b)s Your child may be reluctant to tell you they are being bullied if they think you will just tell them to pull themselves together. Mostly (c)s If your child is being bullied they will need help dealing with it. Letting them talk in their own time and letting them know you are listening will make them feel less alone. Bullying is never acceptable and being bullied is not something to feel ashamed of - although children often do. WHAT YOU CAN DO Reassure your child that it is not their fault, let them know that you will help, and involve them in any decisions about action you might take. Ask to see the school's anti-bullying policy; all schools are required to have one. Involve your child in any school meeting to try and resolve the situation. Do not accept that repeated verbal abuse is teasing and not bullying; the important issue is if it is distressing your child. Keep a record of any bullying incidents, what happened and, if possible, who was involved. Keep a record of the dates and times that you contact the school, ensure the school takes action and follow up each step until you are satisfied. Signs of Bullying * bruises * broken or missing possessions * your child being withdrawn * changes in eating or sleeping * complaints of headaches or stomach aches * bed wetting * worrying about going to school Remember, these could also be signs of other problems in their lives. What If ... ... your child is the bully? talk to them about how they feel - bullies are often hiding a problem in their bullying behaviour tell them that you love them, but their behaviour is unacceptable show them ways of behaving that are not aggressive and get them positive attention check how they're doing at school: there may be a problem that could be easily sorted out Do you need help? Parentline Plus confidential 24-hour helpline 0808 800 2222 Bullying Online ChildLine bullying line 0800 1111. Freepost 1111 London N1 0BR www.antibully.org.uk - help for parents and children with step-by-step action parents can take www.young-voice.org - for and by children who are being bullied. (material extracted from magazine Parents + Schools Issue 6) © Christian Family Network is run by CPO, supported by Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting, Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.