ADVICE

Losing a partner - the pain of bereavement

  • For those of us who are married, the thought of losing our partner through early death, or when our family is young, is painful. Yet we will all know someone for whom that has become a reality. Wendy Bray spoke to two people who live with such a loss.

Sue's husband, Mark, and Trevor's wife, Pearl, both died unexpectedly within the last few years, leaving them with young children. Trevor lost his wife when his daughter, Rachel, was ten. Sue's daughters were four and 17 months when their dad, Mark, died.

"Mark died very suddenly," says Sue, "within 24 hours of becoming ill. The doctor came, and called for an ambulance immediately, but even before it arrived Mark had stopped breathing in my arms. He had always been healthy. It was an overwhelming shock."

Trevor's wife, Pearl, also died without warning. "As Pearl's death was completely unexpected, we felt a sense of trauma, only later followed by grief. I had not understood this distinction, but certainly, in trauma, you feel and react differently, even unexpectedly." Sue describes her feelings as living in 'an emotional fog'.

"I felt that life had lost its meaning. The pain was crushing. There were times when I felt I could not go on, but had to for the sake of the children."

Emotional fog

In such a state of shock, both Trevor and Sue faced practical issues which simply had to be dealt with. Sue found dealing with financial arrangements harrowing and deeply felt the sense of 'being on her own' where the children were concerned. "There was the realisation that the children were totally my responsibility. I would have to bring them up, and make every decision concerning their future entirely on my own. I found this very daunting."

Sue also missed the 'teamwork' of marriage. "I suddenly had to cope with everything from blocked drains to car maintenance. In one incident, one of Mark's friends wanted to help me by checking the oil in the car - but neither of us knew where the bonnet release was! We smiled, then laughed, then ended up crying together because we missed him so much."

Practical support

Trevor knew similar, practical challenges, largely met by support from his church fellowship, friends and family: "Perhaps because I was a man, with the sole care of a child, many people - family, church and work - found it easier to offer practical support," says Trevor. "Meals, ironing, the odd pick up from school, and treats for Rachel were all given generously. After a year, I took back many of the practical tasks. It was important for me to do that (maybe I'm a control freak!), though people still find ways of being special to us both. These small acts of kindness mean a great deal to both Rachel and me."

Sue agrees that people were 'amazing', but recognised a special affinity with others who had been through a similar experience. "Meeting other people who had gone through the same trauma gave an enormous sense of strength and depth of understanding that my married friends and family were unable to offer."

While the lives of others go on around, those living with loss follow a different track, as Trevor explains: "A few take the time to ask how I am, but for many I think this is difficult to do. It's not helped by the fact that I'm a fairly self-contained person. Family, church, work and school all provide a framework to try and get life back into some sort of perspective.

"However, this is a two-edged sword, as you also need to take time to confront your feelings and grief and, what is at times, overwhelming tiredness. With a young child, this is not easy. Rachel had to be the priority."

Like Trevor, Sue was very aware that others found her situation difficult. "I knew that others didn't know what to say to me. But it was important that they say something - even at the risk of getting it wrong." Sue says that those who were prepared just to 'be there for me' in acceptance and love made all the difference.

A journey

Grief is a process, a journey. And Sue's belief that those who share the experience are the best travelling companions is a strong one. For Trevor, the closest travelling companion is Rachel, now about to start secondary school.
Trevor says: "Pearl died two years ago in October, and for Rachel and me the pain is still very real. We often talk together about her which is very much part of the healing process."

Trevor also acknowledges that despite his closeness to Rachel, there are aspects of grief that are his burden alone, and his journey is often a lonely one. "As tempting as it is, we cannot expect others to live with our grief; they have their own lives to live. This is a painful and somewhat lonely lesson which I'm still learning, but it's essential to the grieving process."

Looking ahead, Trevor adds: "Years ago, a friend died leaving two very young children. Those children are now adults and are a real credit to themselves and to their mother. Shortly after Pearl died, their mother said to me that over the years, and despite many heartaches, she had found it true that the Lord had kept them. Perhaps this is our greatest hope."


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