Advice

ADVICE

How to pursue intimacy with God through loving your spouse

Adapted from Never Alone: How God Can Make the Most of Your Marriage (David and Teresa Ferguson, Tyndale) by Whitney Von Lake Hopler

Simply being married isn't a cure for feeling alone. It's only when you achieve intimacy that you can feel truly fulfilled.

God has designed everyone with an intrinsic need to relate intimately to Him and each other, and marriage can help fill that need if spouses work with God to love each other and experience His love.

If you pursue intimacy, it's not just you and your spouse who will be blessed. God will be, too, because He wants His purpose for marriage - that people learn how to love more deeply - to be fulfilled.

Here are some ways you can build intimacy with God and your spouse:

Understand the longings for oneness that God has placed within both you and your spouse - a desire to know and be known by someone, a desire to be cherished by someone who seeks to meet your inner needs, a desire for comfort when life hurts you and a desire to give yourself freely to someone without fear.
Ask yourself what God wants out of your marriage, pray about it, and work with God toward achieving it. In general, God looks for people to join Him in loving their spouses and helping to meet their spouses' needs. He also wants to use marriages as conduits through which to manifest His power on Earth, and for His work in your marriage to inspire a community of love that will move beyond husbands and wives to their children, friends, and others with whom they have relationships. God will work with each couple in unique ways to achieve those goals for their marriage.
Know that God will bless your marriage if it honours Him.
Realise that there is always more you can learn about your spouse, no matter how long you've been married, and that it takes time to build intimacy. Commit to spend time daily pursuing a greater sense of connection to your spouse and being more open and vulnerable. Ask God to share with you what He knows about your spouse and to enable you to love him or her more.
Combat self-centredness with faith, self-reliance with humility and self-condemnation with gratefulness for the love God and your spouse have for you.
Strive to acknowledge and share the experience of whatever emotions your spouse experiences in the joys and trials of life. Identify with him or her through both major and minor situations.
Try to meet your spouse's inner needs by providing comfort to ease pain, paying attention to him or her, accepting your spouse in spite of his or her faults, offering praise and gratitude, helping to carry burdens, encouraging your spouse when he or she is working toward a goal, showing affection through both words and touch, respecting your spouse, trying to protect him or her from harm and giving your spouse your approval based on who he or she is rather than on what he or she has accomplished.
If your spouse isn't working with you to build intimacy in your relationship, choose to fervently act in love toward him or her anyway. If you ask Him to, God will fill the voids you experience when your inner needs aren't being met. He will also send His grace into your marriage and transform it over time.
Try to grasp fully how much you may have hurt your spouse in various ways, then confess, repent, mourn the pain with your spouse and receive forgiveness so you can develop greater intimacy with him or her. Be sure to forgive your spouse when he or she confesses and repents of sin with you.
Resolve emotional issues with your parents so that they won't block intimacy with your spouse. Let go of unfulfilled expectations, trusting God to meet your needs. Develop a unique identity for your new family with your spouse and fit your family of origin in around that. Replace negative thought patterns you learned as a child with positive thoughts from God. Let God heal your emotions. Forgive your parents and build healthy relationships with them as an adult.
Cultivate friendship with your spouse by spending time together regularly, helping to heal hurts and meet inner needs, frequently asking your spouse how he or she is feeling and speaking truthfully yet lovingly.
Cultivate your sexual relationship with your spouse by scheduling regular dates, engaging in romantic activities such as writing love notes to each other, varying the ways in which you make love, communicating with one another and letting each other know what's romantic to you.
Cultivate spiritual intimacy with your spouse by praying together regularly, setting new spiritual goals as individuals and helping each other achieve those goals.

David and Teresa Ferguson have been married for more than 35 years. They direct Intimate Life Ministries, which serves thousands of churches and ministry leaders worldwide with a message on how to deepen intimacy with God and deepen relationships in marriage, family and the church. They have three adult children.

© Christian Family Network
is run by CPO, supported by
Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting,
Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.


		ADVICE How to pursue intimacy with God through loving your spouse Adapted from Never Alone: How God Can Make the Most of Your Marriage (David and Teresa Ferguson, Tyndale) by Whitney Von Lake Hopler Simply being married isn't a cure for feeling alone. It's only when you achieve intimacy that you can feel truly fulfilled. God has designed everyone with an intrinsic need to relate intimately to Him and each other, and marriage can help fill that need if spouses work with God to love each other and experience His love. If you pursue intimacy, it's not just you and your spouse who will be blessed. God will be, too, because He wants His purpose for marriage - that people learn how to love more deeply - to be fulfilled. Here are some ways you can build intimacy with God and your spouse: Understand the longings for oneness that God has placed within both you and your spouse - a desire to know and be known by someone, a desire to be cherished by someone who seeks to meet your inner needs, a desire for comfort when life hurts you and a desire to give yourself freely to someone without fear. Ask yourself what God wants out of your marriage, pray about it, and work with God toward achieving it. In general, God looks for people to join Him in loving their spouses and helping to meet their spouses' needs. He also wants to use marriages as conduits through which to manifest His power on Earth, and for His work in your marriage to inspire a community of love that will move beyond husbands and wives to their children, friends, and others with whom they have relationships. God will work with each couple in unique ways to achieve those goals for their marriage. Know that God will bless your marriage if it honours Him. Realise that there is always more you can learn about your spouse, no matter how long you've been married, and that it takes time to build intimacy. Commit to spend time daily pursuing a greater sense of connection to your spouse and being more open and vulnerable. Ask God to share with you what He knows about your spouse and to enable you to love him or her more. Combat self-centredness with faith, self-reliance with humility and self-condemnation with gratefulness for the love God and your spouse have for you. Strive to acknowledge and share the experience of whatever emotions your spouse experiences in the joys and trials of life. Identify with him or her through both major and minor situations. Try to meet your spouse's inner needs by providing comfort to ease pain, paying attention to him or her, accepting your spouse in spite of his or her faults, offering praise and gratitude, helping to carry burdens, encouraging your spouse when he or she is working toward a goal, showing affection through both words and touch, respecting your spouse, trying to protect him or her from harm and giving your spouse your approval based on who he or she is rather than on what he or she has accomplished. If your spouse isn't working with you to build intimacy in your relationship, choose to fervently act in love toward him or her anyway. If you ask Him to, God will fill the voids you experience when your inner needs aren't being met. He will also send His grace into your marriage and transform it over time. Try to grasp fully how much you may have hurt your spouse in various ways, then confess, repent, mourn the pain with your spouse and receive forgiveness so you can develop greater intimacy with him or her. Be sure to forgive your spouse when he or she confesses and repents of sin with you. Resolve emotional issues with your parents so that they won't block intimacy with your spouse. Let go of unfulfilled expectations, trusting God to meet your needs. Develop a unique identity for your new family with your spouse and fit your family of origin in around that. Replace negative thought patterns you learned as a child with positive thoughts from God. Let God heal your emotions. Forgive your parents and build healthy relationships with them as an adult. Cultivate friendship with your spouse by spending time together regularly, helping to heal hurts and meet inner needs, frequently asking your spouse how he or she is feeling and speaking truthfully yet lovingly. Cultivate your sexual relationship with your spouse by scheduling regular dates, engaging in romantic activities such as writing love notes to each other, varying the ways in which you make love, communicating with one another and letting each other know what's romantic to you. Cultivate spiritual intimacy with your spouse by praying together regularly, setting new spiritual goals as individuals and helping each other achieve those goals. David and Teresa Ferguson have been married for more than 35 years. They direct Intimate Life Ministries, which serves thousands of churches and ministry leaders worldwide with a message on how to deepen intimacy with God and deepen relationships in marriage, family and the church. They have three adult children. © Christian Family Network is run by CPO, supported by Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting, Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.