Advice

ADVICE

What your teenager really needs

We continue our extract from Pauline Witcher's book Youth in Exodus. This week: modelling consistent Christian lifestyle ...

When we read Paul's letters, we see that the majority of the practical teaching in the Bible is to do with relationship. Our spiritual life can only be worked out in our physical life. There is no alternative. We don't know if we are gentle, faithful, kind, or self-controlled until life rubs up against us. It is how we react when the toddler spills his milk on the carpet for the fifth time in a week, or the teenager hasn't said anything to us except an untranslatable mumble for a month, that demonstrates how much the love of God is in us.

It's easy to smile and be gentle and kind on Sunday morning for an hour in church, but what about Monday morning, when it's raining and the dog's been sick and the toast is burnt and the car won't start? Too often our lives do not match up to our profession, and that's why our children don't want to know. This seems to be worst for the children of Christian workers - "Dad's always got time for others, but never for me" or they feel the pressure to match up to the church's expectations of "the vicar's children".

But if the vicar explodes at them, or neglects them, he is living a lie and storing up pain for himself and his children. Our words and our lives must match up, and we can see that our faith should have a visible effect on the relationships we have within our own families, within the church community and towards the larger community in which we live.

God is calling us to look at our lifestyle at home and how this impacts on the next generation, as well as on our neighbours. We have seen how he claims those he covenants with as his own, and demands obedience as our part of that covenant. He lays claim to all of our lives. We dare not be one thing at home and another outside. For the sake of our children we need to teach but we also need to model.

The children know God is loving, just, patient, fun to be with, full of good things, because their parents are. They know their heavenly Father loves them and has time for them because their earthly father does. They understand how forgiveness works because they both receive and give forgiveness in a family setting. They see something of God's holiness reflected in the way their parents live. They see God's welcoming inclusiveness when singles, strangers, wounded ones are invited into their homes. Whether we like it or not they will weigh up what we say we believe, and if our actions at home with them deny it, they will reject it. If you are not Christian at home in your dealings with your family members, then you are not Christian.

The distinctiveness of the Church only comes when we live a kingdom lifestyle, not when we tell them what we believe is true, whether 'them' is our own teenagers or people who live around us. There are many voices, all claiming to have the truth for now. Most people are not interested in absolute truth, what they want is a truth to live by, now, at this moment, in this crisis. They don't want us to tell them the truth, they want reality. Reality is truth with flesh on.

They don't need teaching what church is; they need showing.

They have looked at church and seen hypocrisy; we have got to learn to model authenticity. Belief in Jesus must not ever be just an intellectual assent to a set of truths; we all say it, but for many of us that is exactly what our faith is. It's reduced to a set of facts that we believe, and has no effect at all on our lifestyle or character.

What church needs is a lifestyle change. What our teenagers need from us is a lifestyle that reflects faithfully the things we say and preach on Sundays. They need to see that our lives and our beliefs are consistent, and that they are effective.

Jesus told us to love one another. Love, the way he meant it, is commitment, sharing, laughing, eating, crying, suffering together. It's putting up with foibles, giving up our own preferences, tolerating difference and encouraging potential. It's interfamily, intergenerational. It's old people and children, babies and teenagers. It's finding unity in diversity. It's breaking down all the barriers, especially the generational one.

It's realising we all need each other, and can learn and worship together. It's time-consuming. It's hard work. It's costly. It's painful. But it's necessary.

It is also fun and exciting and creative. It's about sharing lives. We need to share our lives with other Christians because it is only in fellowship that our Christian faith can be worked out. We cannot do any of this if we continue to live with our front doors firmly closed and our homes only allowing in the members of the nuclear family living there. Openness is important, for the world's sake, but also for our children's sake.

But the most important person we must let into our homes is of course Jesus himself. We need him living in us and in our homes before we can share him with others.

Extract taken from Youth in Exodus by Geraldine Witcher published by Highland Books 2002

© Christian Family Network
is run by CPO, supported by
Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting,
Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.


		ADVICE What your teenager really needs We continue our extract from Pauline Witcher's book Youth in Exodus. This week: modelling consistent Christian lifestyle ... When we read Paul's letters, we see that the majority of the practical teaching in the Bible is to do with relationship. Our spiritual life can only be worked out in our physical life. There is no alternative. We don't know if we are gentle, faithful, kind, or self-controlled until life rubs up against us. It is how we react when the toddler spills his milk on the carpet for the fifth time in a week, or the teenager hasn't said anything to us except an untranslatable mumble for a month, that demonstrates how much the love of God is in us. It's easy to smile and be gentle and kind on Sunday morning for an hour in church, but what about Monday morning, when it's raining and the dog's been sick and the toast is burnt and the car won't start? Too often our lives do not match up to our profession, and that's why our children don't want to know. This seems to be worst for the children of Christian workers - "Dad's always got time for others, but never for me" or they feel the pressure to match up to the church's expectations of "the vicar's children". But if the vicar explodes at them, or neglects them, he is living a lie and storing up pain for himself and his children. Our words and our lives must match up, and we can see that our faith should have a visible effect on the relationships we have within our own families, within the church community and towards the larger community in which we live. God is calling us to look at our lifestyle at home and how this impacts on the next generation, as well as on our neighbours. We have seen how he claims those he covenants with as his own, and demands obedience as our part of that covenant. He lays claim to all of our lives. We dare not be one thing at home and another outside. For the sake of our children we need to teach but we also need to model. The children know God is loving, just, patient, fun to be with, full of good things, because their parents are. They know their heavenly Father loves them and has time for them because their earthly father does. They understand how forgiveness works because they both receive and give forgiveness in a family setting. They see something of God's holiness reflected in the way their parents live. They see God's welcoming inclusiveness when singles, strangers, wounded ones are invited into their homes. Whether we like it or not they will weigh up what we say we believe, and if our actions at home with them deny it, they will reject it. If you are not Christian at home in your dealings with your family members, then you are not Christian. The distinctiveness of the Church only comes when we live a kingdom lifestyle, not when we tell them what we believe is true, whether 'them' is our own teenagers or people who live around us. There are many voices, all claiming to have the truth for now. Most people are not interested in absolute truth, what they want is a truth to live by, now, at this moment, in this crisis. They don't want us to tell them the truth, they want reality. Reality is truth with flesh on. They don't need teaching what church is; they need showing. They have looked at church and seen hypocrisy; we have got to learn to model authenticity. Belief in Jesus must not ever be just an intellectual assent to a set of truths; we all say it, but for many of us that is exactly what our faith is. It's reduced to a set of facts that we believe, and has no effect at all on our lifestyle or character. What church needs is a lifestyle change. What our teenagers need from us is a lifestyle that reflects faithfully the things we say and preach on Sundays. They need to see that our lives and our beliefs are consistent, and that they are effective. Jesus told us to love one another. Love, the way he meant it, is commitment, sharing, laughing, eating, crying, suffering together. It's putting up with foibles, giving up our own preferences, tolerating difference and encouraging potential. It's interfamily, intergenerational. It's old people and children, babies and teenagers. It's finding unity in diversity. It's breaking down all the barriers, especially the generational one. It's realising we all need each other, and can learn and worship together. It's time-consuming. It's hard work. It's costly. It's painful. But it's necessary. It is also fun and exciting and creative. It's about sharing lives. We need to share our lives with other Christians because it is only in fellowship that our Christian faith can be worked out. We cannot do any of this if we continue to live with our front doors firmly closed and our homes only allowing in the members of the nuclear family living there. Openness is important, for the world's sake, but also for our children's sake. But the most important person we must let into our homes is of course Jesus himself. We need him living in us and in our homes before we can share him with others. Extract taken from Youth in Exodus by Geraldine Witcher published by Highland Books 2002 © Christian Family Network is run by CPO, supported by Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting, Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.