Christian Family Network

My wife and I have four children. We joined cfn for support. We are having tremendous difficulty with our children, they no longer respond to our discipline. The only way they take any notice is when we get angry. We are worn down by constant domestic conflict and our little ones are between one and nine years old. Can anyone help or point us to some help? Paul

I feel for you Paul - we have three youngsters now aged 14,12 and six and you do get times when it feels like you're living in a war zone! Is it sibling rivalry, clashing personalities, youngest annoying eldest? What ages are your four? The Parentalk Guides are very good, and they do one on handling Brothers and Sisters. One of the most helpful things we've found has been separating kids - letting them cool down apart and spending time with each of them. Let's see if other CFN members respond with their thoughts. Otherwise, feel free to mail me on info@cfnetwork.co.uk and I may be able to put you in touch with more specific resources and organisations that provide practical help.

Thank you for your response. We feel someone out there cares. Our children are nine,five,three and one. the three year old is a girl the rest, boys. They 'wind one another up' (and us too). The eldest is often quite moody, the five year old fights him and his young sister, who in turn gives as good as she gets, sometimes giving baby 'grief' to maximise attention. We act as peace keepers as much as we can, often dragged into arguments. The little one has been unwell, demanding a great deal of time to be just held. On top of all this we moved house just before Christmas. We thank God that we have one another and Him as a rock to cling onto. But we are very tired and the children don't do as asked.

You dont say how old your children are but we have found Thomas Phelan's books really useful.Can't remember the title of the book aimed at discipline for younger children but it was something like Discipline 123 and the book for teens is called Surviving your Adolescents. Although not aimed specifically at Christians we have found his ideas extremely useful.

Thanks for the suggestion. The children are 1, 4, 5 and 9. Boys, except our 4 year old. We really need help!

Being A Christian doesn't mean we don't have the same problems as everyone else, but sometimes they matter more!

You sound like a normal family!

Give your children lots for praise when they do things well. Give rewards such as extra storytime, chance to play a game, do some cooking or go to the park, as they are valued more than sweets or extra money etc, and improve your relationships. Explain rather than get angry if you can when things go wrong. Health Visitors and School Nurses are good sources of parenting support and advice,and there are lots of good books in Christian bookshops.

Hi Paul Have things got any better? I think all us parents can sympathise. I have 2 girls and have always been thankful that I haven't got boys, they are certainly more challenging. Boys need to assert themselves and usually fighting is one of the best ways (for them) that they know how to do that. I have read loads of books on discipline and the main themes seem to be, be consistent, have consequences, and don't reward bad behaviour. Easier said than done I know, but it helps if the parents back each other up. Try and turn a blind eye to the fighting as long as no one is really getting hurt, but make it a house rule that all fights are to be out in the garden and not in the house (assumming you have a garden). They will soon lose interest if Mum and Dad aren't trying to stop them. Kids all want attention from parents the whole time which is where the other suggestions of special time and games come in. Try and give each one special time without the others around. Because of this desire for individual attention one child being ill can cause problems in that the others feel left out, so play up to get negative attention, which to them is better than nothing. Try not to get involved in their arguments, tell them to sort it themselves and leave the room. As for moodiness, our older daughter is an expert at that. We find that if she wants to she can be nice, and just needs an incentive. For example this week she wanted to go to the cinema at the weekend, but so far has been horrid to her sister and reacting with mood swings at the slightest thing, so we have explained to her that she can't carry on being horrible to everyone and expect to go to the cinema. Amazingly she can see our point, and the behaviour has inproved already, although she still won't be going this weekend. It would be nice if kids were nice just because, and the younger one is, but they are all individuals with different characters and we need to learn to live with it.