MARRIAGE - COMMUNICATION

Run out of energy?

Last night the TV remote control wouldn’t work. I went to the drawer where I kept the batteries, and found a pack empty except for one. I needed two.

How easy it is in marriage to run along happily, busy with our lives, work and leisure, and then the crisis comes. Something goes wrong and we have run out of energy and resources to deal with it.

You can’t always tell when a battery is running low. You can’t always anticipate the pressures in a marriage, but you can build up a store of good communications, trust, and respect, which can carry you through when things get tough.

If you have been neglecting each other, spending little time together, talking just about the essentials, leaving irritations and issues to fester, then as soon as something goes wrong the resentment will begin to surface and their may not be enough resources in your relationship to weather the storm.

So what shape is your relationship in? How would you handle an unexpected crisis? Why not look here at some of the things you can do to keep your relationship fit and healthy and ready for life’s challenges.

Life changes

We’re facing a number of changes at the moment, the first is that the children are beginning to leave home. This brings all sorts of challenges – letting go and allowing them to be independent, getting used to just being two again and much more. Then there are physical changes to cope with – the menopause, stiff joints, receding hair. This may all sound very negative. It’s not meant to. There are opportunities too – more freedom to do things without having to consider the youngsters, even the choice of what colour hair to have to cover the grey!

Change can bring us together or push us apart. It’s all to do with our attitudes and our communication. Right now I need my husband to be able to listen to me when I share my concerns, my emotions and my hopes for the time ahead. I need reassurance that I am still loved and cared for, even though I’m not quite as full of energy as I was 25 years ago when we married. It would be so easy for us to get impatient with each other at these times and to choose to throw ourselves into our own interests and activities to avoid the pain and disappointment of not being listened to.

Change can happen at any stage of married life. It might be the arrival of the first baby, or a change of job or house move, a family bereavement or a bout of illness.

What changes are you or your spouse facing at the moment? Do you need to talk about how you are feeling – your joys and fears? Are you ready to listen and really support each other? If you are not facing any changes at the moment, are you keeping your communication in tip top shape for when it will be really needed?

back to top

Putting each other down

When we are angry, hurt or defensive we tend to divert attention from ourselves by putting the other person down. Unfortunately it can become habitual with name-calling: "you idiot", "you’re useless" and worse.

We’ve had quite a few of these over the years. The sarcastic comments about clothes left on the bedroom floor, or the washing up covered in soap suds.

"You're hopeless, you never bring your clothes down for the wash, I’m not your scivvy."

"You’re useless! These pans aren’t clean, we’d die of food-poisoning one day if you were in charge." Or worse still, in public: "He’s hopeless, he never remembers what’s in the diary!" "Men they are all the same!" "Women just like to gossip!"

Or we may put the other down more subtly. My husband admits to putting me down when I express certain opinions. He hangs on to the words and deliberately misunderstands me and argues with my point of view, subtly implying that I am biased or don’t understand the real world.

Failing to appreciate what each other has done can also be experienced as a put-down. The effort made by the wife to look nice for a night out, the care taken to prepare a meal or mend the car all deserve our thanks. When we don’t, we dismiss the love and effort put in and put our loved one down.

The net result of all these negatives is that we feel small and lonely and unloved in the very relationship where we longed to find acceptance, security and love. You never put your partner down – or do you ...?

back to top

Opting out - or burying your head in the sand?

I’m a "detail" person, my husband is not. Sometimes he just wants some space or doesn’t like the subject I am trying to bring up. His response may well be to get snappy and disappear down to the computer where he can immerse himself in jobs and avoid talking to me. I am left frustrated, saving my concerns up for another onslaught later.

We can opt out more subtly than that by changing the subject to avoid conflict. Or we may hide behind a book, a newspaper, or in the "loo", or in glorious silence in front of the TV. We’re trying to wallpaper over the cracks but the paste has gone off and the cracks soon reappear.

Sometimes we need to argue for the sake of our relationship. We need to have things out, to face up to and deal with the issue. Choosing the right time and observing a few rules of engagement is always wise, like avoiding name-calling, being blunt or hurtful or bringing up past history.

Do you opt out when disagreements or difficult issues surface? How do you usually behave? Is it helpful? What could you do instead to come through it more constructively?

back to top

Thinking the worst

Has your husband ever come home clutching a bunch of flowers unexpectedly and you have found yourself thinking – “What has he been up to then?” Then it turns out that he really did want to bring you some surprise flowers to show he loves you.

Or if your wife asks you to sit down and talk with her, do you assume you’re in for a hard time, when all she wants is bit of your time and attention to discuss her day? “Will it be socks again for Christmas?” or “He’s bound to forget my birthday again. He always does.”

Sometimes when my husband is being playful and affectionate, I freeze up. I assume he has one thing in mind and I’m too tired and not in the mood. I can push him away, when if I broached the subject I often find he’s just feeling playful rather than seriously amorous. My reaction pushes him away and hurts him.

It’s very easy to take on a negative mind set that sees the unexpected as a threat or little hope of positive change in life. Sadly that attitude begins to come out in the way we speak and respond to each other. Barriers and misunderstandings are built, negative behaviours established and our relationship suffers.

Why not keep an eye open over the next few days for the ways you think the worst and challenge yourself to think and act more positively?

back to top

What is trust?

Trust lies at the heart of a strong relationship. When trust is lost we feel betrayed, angry and taken for granted. But what is trust? Trust is when we take as fact some belief we have, for which there is only partial evidence. For that very reason there is an element of uncertainty and risk involved. Whoever we are trusting may not always live up to the faith we are putting in them.

We talk of "placing our trust" in someone, which shows that it involves an action rather than just our feelings. Many parents of teenagers will identify with choosing to trust our child to be able to spend the weekend in the house on their own without throwing a wild party. We may feel somewhat anxious as we drive away from the house and have a strong urge to ring up and "check how things are going". There is a risk involved, they may let us down.

Often we place trust in a child according to what we know of their character, gradually giving them a bit more responsibility as we think they are mature enough and trustworthy enough to handle it. We see trust as something that must be earned or negotiated. We may trust other adults according to how much we know of their character, attitudes and behaviour.

Another way to see trust is as something that is inspired in someone when they are trusted. You place the trust, let go, and believe they will rise to the faith put in them. Yet another way is to trust, fully aware of the weakness of human nature and ready to forgive when someone lets us down.

From this we see that people can have different ideas of what it means to trust. Some people believe that they give trust, and it's their choice to give it, while others think it has to be earned, so it is the one who is to be trusted who has the choice.

Our ability to trust may be affected by our upbringing and past experiences, too. It is very easy within a marriage to assume we view trust in the same way as our partner, but assumptions can be misleading and lead to disappointment and hurt when things go wrong. How do you view trust?

back to top

Scoring points

Do you ever find yourself scoring points over your husband and wife? It can happen so easily. We score points when we say things to justify ourselves and show we’re better than the other in some way.

"You left your clothes in the middle of the bedroom floor again. Well at least I didn’t leave dirty cotton buds all over the bathroom …" and so it goes on, back and forth. We find ourselves using generalisations too like: "You always …" or "you never …" That’s unfair and just winds each other up.

When we’re focused on winning the point, we’re not listening to what may be of concern to our loved one. When we have a more positive attitude, we’re more likely to be open to think about the matter in hand and find a way forward.

Stopping some of the negative behaviours we use can help to strengthen our marriages. Why not be on the look out to see whether you get into the game of scoring points in your marriage? If you can see it coming then you can avoid it.

Words, words, words, what do they mean?

I was reading a book recently about marriage and was struck by the words, “When a wife asks her husband, “Do you love me?”, she is probably asking to be cherished.” We sometimes play games with words. Perhaps we are not sure how to put something, so we work around to it. Perhaps we’ve never been good at coming out and saying something straight. Maybe we fear the other person's reaction? Perhaps we’re not good at letting others see how deep our need is.

Do you sometimes find it hard to know what your loved one really means? Why not try to listen to what is behind the words? “Do you love me?” may mean: “I need to be reassured that I’m loved. I need attention, romancing...”

Do you say what you really mean? And can you do it gently and sensitively?

(Quote from Marriage, restoring the vision, David Robertson, BRF)

back to top

Hold the ladder steady!

Recently we installed some new bird boxes high up in our Scots pine trees. My husband went up the ladder despite his dislike for heights and I stood and held the ladder steady. We couldn’t both go up the ladder, but he really appreciated the thought that I was there supporting him (and the ladder!)

Sometimes we have to go out on a limb and do something that is risky, that makes us feel vulnerable. That’s when we need our spouse’s loving support. They don’t have to be there doing it with us or for us, but it does help that they are there emotionally, supporting us.

Does your loved one need you to hold the ladder metaphorically speaking for them at the moment? Are you willing to give the time and energy that’s needed to be there for them?

back to top

Every day is an opportunity

Every day I get out of bed and before I know it I am in the thick of daily life. It is so easy to take my family and of course my dear husband for granted. Yet none of us know what each day will bring.

It’s good to pause a moment and be thankful for what we have in our marriage, for the things that make our husband or wife special and precious to us. OK, there may be things we aren’t happy about, but if we stop and think, there will also be things that we can appreciate.

Each day also bring a new opportunity to show our love and commitment to them. It may involve telling them we love them, or picking their dirty clothes off the floor yet again, or doing that job we have both been putting off. It may simply involve giving them a smile or sharing a bit of our day with them.

What opportunity do you have today to show your love to your husband or wife? Will you take it?

back to top

Make a will

However much we may shy away from the idea, one day we shall die! Indeed two-thirds of all marriages only end with the death of one partner. Making a will need not be seen as a depressing or miserable thought, indeed ensuring that in the event of our death our loved ones are cared for in the best possible way is both loving and prudent. This is especially true at times of change in life, including the arrival of new members of your family!

Wills are often seen as the aspect of our lives which can be put off until later; the thing we do not really want to think about. Fewer than a third of us have taken the trouble to make a will, leaving it for our families after our death to guess at what we had intended or, even worse, to feel aggrieved at the outcome.

There are a variety of forms of will that you can purchase and download from Desk Top Lawyer - http://www.desktoplawyer.co.uk- which can be used for most of the circumstances you are likely to face.

Talking about death, and facing into some of the life choices the surviving partner and/or dependants must face, can actually be a good way of strengthening our relationship. It is often said: "You don't know what you've got 'till it's gone"; contemplating that reality, and recognising the value there is in your relationship can deeply strengthen the love you feel for those around you - don't leave it too late!

Tenderness

One thing I’ve noticed that’s often missing from struggling relationships is tenderness, that gentle handling of each other that communicates care and love in a very special way. It makes me think of handling a new born baby or a fragile butterfly cupped in my hands. The aim is to protect and reassure and hold safely.

I wonder why tenderness is often seen as a sign of weakness in our society and especially in men. Yet in films, a strong yet tender man always gets my heart fluttering.

There is something comforting and healing about tenderness. It dispels fear and hurt and replaces it with warmth and security.

Learning to treat each other with tenderness can take time, but it’s possible for all of us. How could you become more tender in your dealings with your loved one? Will you try?

back to top

Jealousy

Are you jealous of some relationship your spouse has with someone else? Perhaps you resent the closeness between your wife and a girlfriend or parent, or you don’t like your husband going out with lads and you think he puts them before you.

These things may seem small but they can grow and disturb your relationship, especially if they are buried and not spoken of. But how do you bring the conversation round to such a difficult topic? Perhaps you think you shouldn’t feel that way or that your partner will be hurt or angry with you?

How would you like them to broach the subject if you were behaving that way? With gentleness and tact? This is where talking about your own feelings and thoughts rather than accusing your spouse of things will help. "When you go out without me, I feel lonely. I do enjoy having you around. I know you like to go out with the boys, but perhaps you could make it once a fortnight and I’ll get a babysitter in so we can go out together alternate weeks."

"I know your Mum is very important to you, and I really appreciate her too, but sometimes I wish I was the one you turned to more often. Sometimes I feel quite hurt. I want to be the one to support you when you have concerns. Perhaps we can stay home this weekend instead of going over there and do something special. What would you like to do together?"

Facing up to issues between us involves courage and taking a risk, but ignoring a problem rarely means it will go away.

Here we go again ...

An argument, a sullen silence, sulking for a few days, then everything "pushed under the carpet" again. He comes in from work, switches on the TV and ignores you, so you go off and do your own thing. How often we fall into unhelpful patterns of behaviour, so predictable - you just know what's going to happen next.

Researchers have found out that to improve a marriage it takes more than learning new skills. You have to unlearn the destructive behaviours. Are there key words and phrases that trigger an argument or result in you withdrawing into yourself? Do your disagreements follow a similar pattern each time?

Are there "no go" areas that you avoid because you fear facing them or have learnt to avoid the pain you bring? Do you fear and avoid conflict? Have you found ways of getting your own way with your loved one? Do you keep things like your credit card bills hidden so you don't have to admit you can't help over-spending?

Why not ask yourself: "Could I try to do things differently?" Why am I behaving this way? Do I need to? What would happen if I dared to respond differently - more positively? If I changed, would the whole situation change? If I dared to share my fears with my spouse instead of pushing him away, would things be different? Could I ask him or her for help to cope with what's bothering me?

It takes two to tango, so is it time to stop trying to do the waltz and see if you can move in step with one another?

back to top

In sickness and in health

How do you see illness? Is it just something that happens, fate, or is it something that you can avoid by healthy living?

Some friends of mine have really struggled with this one. The wife gets very anxious when the husband isn't eating well or getting enough exercise. She fears he will become ill, because her mother developed high blood pressure due to being overweight. He always felt defensive about discussing these things. His father died of cancer with no obvious cause. He see her comments as putting him down, and it was a long time before they were able to understand their different opinions and beliefs and to realise what was going on.

We all have different views and attitudes to health and illness. They may affect the way we respond to each other and how open we are to talk about health matters. Yet we are bombarded by the media about healthy living, keeping fit and having a beautiful body.

My friends were eventually able to open up these issues. The wife was able to understand why her husband became defensive and to reassure him that she loved him and still found him attractive - in fact she loved him so much she was afraid to lose him. He was able to accept her fears and chose to take some steps to take more care of his health. A previous no-go area was opened up and became a place where they could affirm their love for each other.

Are you able to talk to each other about health issues? What are the barriers that hold you back? Are you open enough to believe that you can break through those barriers for the sake of the one you love?

back to top

For richer, for poorer

A recent survey highlighted that debt was seen as one of the main pressures on marriage these days. Have you ever faced financial uncertainty, redundancy, unemployment, careless spending? How did you feel at the time? Insecure, ashamed, angry, fearful, stressed?

One of the hardest things at such times is to stand back from blame, to forgive, to accept your loved one's struggles and to act lovingly through it all. Or perhaps one of you is not earning as much as you would like – do you have a sense of failure and disappointment?

We’re surrounded by messages that tell us that money buys happiness. Does it? I don’t see many happy satisfied movie stars despite their millions.

Here’s a topic for a relaxed discussion over a drink or a quiet meal. How important is money in our lives compared to our relationship, our health, or our family? If I could save one possession from our burning house, what would it be? When does the pursuit of money or possessions become more important to me than you?

For better, for worse

What fearsome words – how little we know what may lie ahead. Sometimes we marry thinking that our love will change our spouse – we’ll soon cure those bad habits or break that addiction. All it needs is a little love.

Have you heard what the bride said as she went up the isle to the altar, "I’ll alter him"?

We all like the sound of "better", but sometimes easy times may lead our hearts to wander as we take each other for granted. "Worse" is more ominous, but we hope with boundless optimism that everything will be all right. It won’t happen to us.

And then we wake up one morning to remember the tears of the previous night as we confronted our loved one for letting us down or see the empty pillow and remember the argument that led them to sleep in the spare room, or remember the unpaid bills, or the doctor’s diagnosis. Where do we turn at those times? How do we find a way through?

Facing our problems fair and square. Taking responsibility for our on actions and forgiving each other. Being prepared to be the one who bears the weight of life for a weakened partner. Setting our face with determination to get through. Choosing to love our spouse when there seems nothing attractive or loveable about them and the pain threatens to engulf us. Leaning on God if we know him.

Why do we do it? Because we don’t want to be alone. Because somewhere inside we long to go on. Because we made a vow all those years ago to do it. Because we want what’s best for our loved one and our children. Because we hope that would do it for us. Perhaps because they are beside us working through it, too. Because we believe there is hope beyond the pain.

Have you been through some of those "worse" times? What helped you through? What did you learn? Do you know each other better? Did your marriage grow stronger through it?

back to top

As long as you both shall live

A friend of mine works in schools with students. Many of them can’t believe that anyone can stay married for the rest of their life. They say that people must get bored with each other. They find the idea of permanence in a relationship quite hard to believe in.

By the time many of us get married, we will have experienced being let down by a loved one or even rejected. It does make it hard to trust anyone else completely. It’s hard to believe that the they, too, aren’t going to let us down in the end.

A lifetime seems a long time. What if we run into difficulties? How can we know what lies ahead? How do any of us make that commitment to stick to own another through all the ups and downs of life?

Yet as we stand beside each other in church, or other wedding venue, with the excitement of romantic love warning our hearts, we want to believe it’s possible. It must be, for us! We don’t know what lies ahead but if we are taking those vows we made to each other seriously - vows, to comfort, honour and protect each other, to be faithful, forsaking all others – surely we will find the grace we need to work through most challenges that lie ahead.

None of us stood alone at our wedding, we were surrounded by family and friends, witnesses to our commitment. There may come a time when we will need their support to press on through the tougher times.

Have you set your heart on life-long love and faithfulness? Are you willing to seek the support of those who love you both, when life gets tough? Let’s do our best to show our young people that life-long marriage is still possible and worth it!

Will you protect them?

This is perhaps an unusual idea to many married couples today – that they have commit to protecting each other. When do you need the protection of your loved one? When life is hard and you are feeling very vulnerable? Perhaps when you are tempted to head off in the wrong direction? Or does that sound like interference – some of us like to be in control of our own lives and may baulk at the idea of being protected by their wife or husband. Does protection sound like something that only happens to weak people?

I think as we get to know each other and our weaknesses and self-doubts, we become more aware of how valuable it is to have someone willing to protect us and watch over us, like the knights of old, who looked out for each other.

Perhaps I’m too romantic, but I am thankful my husband wants to protect me and I don’t want to see anyone or anything harm him. How about you?

back to top

Will you honour them?

Another question from the marriage service. Will you honour him/her? What does it mean to honour someone? We honour people these days by giving them a title, OBE, or by throwing a party for them, or giving them a presentation. These things say that we value who they are and what they have contributed to life. For that moment at least they are treated as the most important person there, but how do we honour one another in marriage?

I think that we honour our loved one when we make sure they know they are special to us, the most important person in out life. When we show respect and courtesy, when we listen to them and value what they have to say and what they do for us, when we try to understand what matters to them, when we are loyal and don’t criticize them to others, when we keep their confidences – all these actions honour them and build up the love between us.

Do you honour your spouse?

Every marriage has witnesses

Every time a couple marry in this country, there are at least two witnesses to the action. While these may seem to be simply required for legal reasons, they have a much greater significance.

Marriage is something which involves our deepest feelings and beliefs. We are at our most vulnerable when we open ourselves up to another in marriage, and unless we choose to be that vulnerable, our relationship will be confined to a superficial level and we will miss many of the blessings that marriage can bring.

This means that many of us are unwilling to allow that vulnerability to be seen by anyone else. We see our marriage relationship as something distinctly private – no-one’s business but our own. In fact, marriage is meant to be much more than a private arrangement. A couple’s privacy is important but their relationship is also part of the society and world that we live in. The presence of witnesses, friends and family at our wedding reminds us that what we do that day affects the communities in which we live. We are in some way accountable to them for how we live and love.

Who are the real witnesses in your marriage? Is their someone who will challenge you about how you are loving and caring for each other? Is there someone who will share your joys and trials and encourage you?

back to top

Vows and promises

What can you remember of your wedding day? Did you make specific vows to each other or did you simply consent to marry each other. Were you involved in creating your own vows or did you use the ones many are familiar with from church weddings.

Somehow the vows we make to each other provide a framework to support our married life. When times are tough the words come back to us and remind us what this strange thing called marriage is all about. They give us principles to live by and love by.

I like to keep my promises, but the word “vow” seems to mean something even more. It speaks of commitment, of setting my heart to behave in a particular way. There is a weightiness and seriousness to it. When I married I didn’t promise to be perfect, but I made a commitment to try to act and live in a special way. It involved an attitude of my heart, an intention that was not taken lightly.

What did your marriage vows mean to you both?

Are you still committed to live that way?

Love ... endures all things

In the Living Bible these words are translated: “You will always stand your ground defending him” (or her). Do you stand your ground and defend your loved one, or are you often tempted to join in the criticism?

My husband and I know most of each other’s faults, but I find it hard to stomach others criticism of him. I recognise that he makes mistakes, but I wonder what right others have to attack him – are they so perfect themselves? When you know someone so well and love them just the same, you see the faults and weaknesses in context alongside the gifts and qualities.

We try to sort out any disagreements that we have face to face and preferably in private. To the rest of the world our unity is the most important thing. Whatever my husband does, he is my husband and I want him to know that I will stand by him.

So how about you, do you often run each other down in public? Do you seek out others to get your grumbles off your chest? Or do you have it out in private, so you can stand united and face life together and at peace?

back to top

Love ... believes all things, and hopes all things

Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to see the good in your spouse or perhaps to listen to them when they tell you the good they see in you.

When things are going wrong it’s so easy to get discouraged. How often, at such times, couples think – “We did the wrong thing. We weren’t meant to marry”.

Hope goes out the window and they turn away in despair. What it is to be able to hope when things look dark, to believe in the other and their potential to change and grow.

One of the things that has made the most difference in my life has been my husband’s willingness to see the potential in me that I cannot. He has encouraged me and cheered me on to overcome my difficulties. When I have been in the depths of PMT or deep in a hole of self pity, he has quietly gone on believing that I will come out of it. He has held on to the picture of the girl he knows I can be. His love has been the light that has driven away my darkness.

What a gift to give your husband or wife – to believe in the wonderful person that they can become!

Love is ... not boastful

Boasting reveals our insecurity. We all like to have the opportunity to share our successes and be affirmed by others, but boasting goes far beyond that. It’s when we spend our time building up our ego, by telling everyone how clever we are, with a bit of embellishing added to the truth. It’s main focus is on itself and after a while it becomes very unattractive.

When we boast, we tend to lose sight of reality. How dangerous that is in a relationship, where honesty and openness are so important.

How can you love someone who is always blowing their own trumpet – there’s little opportunity to tell them how much you appreciate them. There is little that you can give to them, because they do it so much better themselves. In fact do they actually need you at all?

Do you ever get boastful? Have you ever thought about the effect is has on your loved one?

Love is … kind!

Kindness is not something you hear spoken about much these days. To me kindness is a gift of warmth and concern. It is about caring about another person, treating them thoughtfully and gently, wanting their good and well-being. It involves taking into account the consequences of our actions and how other will react to them.

There’s also something about kindness which isn’t calculating or looking for something in return. It’s focused on the other person and how they can benefit from what we do. It’s going beyond what’s needed to help or bless someone.

Just think what a difference spontaneous or even well-planned acts of kindness could make to our marriages.

What could you do today out of kindness for your loved one?

back to top

Love is ... patient!

In today’s world of fast food and e-mails, we’re not used to being patient. It’s easy to expect everything to be available or sorted out at once. We can’t run our relationships like that …

Some people need time to get used to change or to think something through. It takes our teenagers time to get round to opening up and talking to us – they don’t always do it when it’s convenient for us.

In marriage, too, we have to learn to be patient – to give our loved one the space they need to think something through or to find the words to say what they want. We may want them to change their behaviour, but even when they’re willing to change it may take time – are we willing to wait?

Patience involves generosity of spirit and heart, allowing our loved one to be who they are, to handle life the way they find best. It involves setting aside our desire to have things sorted or “closed out” at once. It involves laying aside our anger and desire for our own way and to leave space for the one we love to be who they are.

When we love, we are willing to be patient.

How patient are you?

Having fun together

My husband and I recently sat down to talk about what we enjoyed doing together most, apart from the obvious answers (?!), we discovered that we liked going for walks together, working together on some common project and having a meal alone together.

We also discovered that is was the freedom to be open with each other and know that the other would understand and accept us, that made these times special. Being best friends as well as lovers was so important.

What do you enjoy doing together? What’s special about those times? How do you feel as you think about it?

Why not talk to your loved one today and enjoy the things that make your love for each other special and unique!

back to top

Shared experiences

It’s well known that a good way to build up a team is to give the people in it a project to work on.

As they spend time together, and work for a common purpose they get to know each other better and learn how to make positive use of their different skills and gifts.

Some of the best times in our marriage have been when we’ve worked together like this, perhaps decorating a room, or planning a party or a day out for the children. It’s good too to have times when you can just relax together.

How do you like to relax and unwind? How does your loved one relax and let the stress of life slip away? Do you do it in the same way or are you different? Have you talked about this? There's no time like the present to share with each other how you like to relax and recharge your batteries.

“All work and no play makes Jack (or Jill) a dull boy (girl)”.

Learning about marriage

In a recent survey, when asked where children learnt most about marriage, over 90% of people said from the family in the home. There are few opportunities to learn about marriage at school and the media bombard children with images of often dysfunctional marriages.

So what are your children or the young people around you learning about marriage? What message does your relationship give to those around you? Have you ever thought that your marriage is not just something private between you, but something that affects society and the world where you live and work?

Does your conversation at work or among friends give them the true picture of your relationship? Do they see the truth in your behaviour towards each other? What would you like them to see?

It’s quite scary to think the profound influence your marriage could have on others. Does this make you want to live your life differently or are you simply encouraged that your marriage could have a purpose beyond the blessings you are receiving in it?

Worth some thought perhaps …

Secure? Why?

Have you ever stopped to consider what makes you feel secure?

Perhaps it’s about a life where little changes, where you know just where you are. Perhaps you need to feel in control of things, or to be constantly reassured of your partner’s love.

Perhaps it’s linked with money or your career. Maybe it’s about your faith in God. Or perhaps it’s about having a sense of purpose.

Why not talk to your loved one about what makes you feel secure - and find out what makes them feel that way? If you dare, you could begin to explore what makes each of you feel insecure.

Often our behaviour is affected by insecurity as we seek to protect ourselves or to hit out defensively in our words. It helps to know what makes us feel insecure, because then we can understand why we react in certain ways, and take steps to support and help one another when we’re under pressure.

back to top

A glimpse of joy

Do you remember your courting days, when you were so in love, you just wanted to spend every available moment together? Nothing was too much to do for each other. You felt so happy to be together. Your heart beat faster when you were together. The future stretched out ahead, full of possibilities.

Perhaps that's still where you are, but many of us find the initial excitement wanes. Little things begin to irritate and annoy, and we drift apart.

Is that the end of the matter? The romance has gone, perhaps recaptured briefly by a weekend away or a surprise gift, or even a piece of music bringing back glad memories.

No, surely that's not the end of it, or how do so many marriages last happily for decades? Isn't it when you discover that love is an action word before it's a feeling. Every little act of kindness, thoughtfulness, care is an act of love that builds something more lasting. It builds joy.

Sometimes when I look at my husband and I think of all the things he does for me, of how he forgives me and encourages me; of how tender he can be, considerate, devoted, then I smile and my heart seems to swell. It feels warm and full of a desire to hug him. That's a little glimpse of the joy I find when I stop and remember just how special he is.

Think of the good things in your marriage and take a sip of the joy that can be …

Living with broken dreams

Life can be full of disappointments, unfulfilled expectations, even unexpected tragedy. How do you cope with these? Do you push down the pain deep within, do you thrash around in frustration and self pity or do you face into the pain and allow others to help you?

Facing difficult times together is part of marriage. Our spouse can help us face the pain, reassure us of their love and help us to lift up our eyes and hope again.

There's a saying “When one door closes, another opens” It may not be the door we want, but if we have each other then we can surely dare to hope. Are you facing disappointments and broken dreams? Is your partner facing them? Are you facing them together?

back to top

Happy Mother's Day!

It's Mother's Day in the UK next Sunday. Perhaps this is a good time for husbands to reflect on what their wives give to their children. They spend around nine months nurturing the baby within their own bodies – both a wonderful and a very exhausting experience. Then comes the years of putting aside their own needs to ensure the youngsters are fed, clothed, nurtured and taught about life, sleepless nights, dirty washing and anxiously waiting for them to come in at night.

Then at the end of it all the child leaves home and the mother has to learn that despite all their efforts they are no longer needed in the same way.

Husbands - what would you like to say to your wife to show how much you appreciate all they have given to bring your children up? Perhaps wives would like to use this same opportunity to appreciate the love and support their husbands have given them.

If you haven't any children, then why not tell each other how much you appreciate each other anyway? How special it is to know you're loved and valued, whether it's for what you do or simply who you are! And let's not confine such encouragement to Mother's Day.

Why not every day?!?

Know yourself

Another aspect of misunderstandings arises, because we don't recognise the way we react to things that happen around us. If you're a helpful sort of person, then you may get angry and frustrated when your partner won't let you help them. If you're a perfectionist, then you may get angry when someone criticizes you, or depressed when something doesn't live up to your expectations.

It can be very easy to blame the person or the circumstances, when what's really happening is within you. On these occasions your spouse may wonder what on earth they said or did.

A little bit of introspection is not a bad thing, especially if it's guided by some wisdom.

Have you tried the www.2-in-2-1.co.uk relationship inventory or perhaps done a Myers-Briggs test together? I've found such things invaluable to help me understand my feelings and reactions. Understanding a little about what's going on inside frees us to choose how we are going to behave, instead of having knee-jerk reactions, which may leave even us as well as our partner bruised and bewildered.

back to top

Starting out

Our son has just got engaged. We feel really excited for him and his fiancée, but also awed by what they are taking on. What advice would you give a young couple starting out on their married life?

What has been the key for you in finding happiness and stability together? What are the really good things about your marriage? What mistakes have you learnt from and would want others to avoid? What would you do differently? What do you wish someone had said to you before you got married? Do you think you would have listened?

Do you think your answers would be the same as your spouse's? Why not find some time this week to sit down over a meal and a bottle of wine or go down the pub for a drink and talk about some of these questions? Remember to be gentle and sensitive - no blaming each other.

If you think that your experience is something that could help another couple, why not find out more about how you could become a marriage mentor with a Community Family Trust or a couple going into schools with Students Exploring Marriage. Your story might be just what some young person needs to hear.

Here we go again - time to break old patterns

An argument, a sullen silence, sulking for a few days, then everything "pushed under the carpet" again. He comes in from work switches on the TV and ignores you, so you go off and do your own thing. How often we fall into unhelpful patterns of behaviour, so predictable, you just know what's going to happen next.

Researchers have found out that to improve a marriage it takes more than learning new skills, you have to unlearn the destructive behaviours. Are there key words and phrases that trigger an argument or result in you withdrawing into yourself? Do your disagreements follow a similar pattern each time?

Are there "no go" areas that you avoid because you fear facing them or have learnt to avoid the pain you bring? Do you fear and avoid conflict? Have you found ways of getting your own way with your loved one? Do you keep things like your credit card bills hidden so you don't have to admit you can't help over-spending.

Why not ask yourself: "Could I try to do things differently? Why am I behaving this way? Do I need to? What would happen if I dared to respond differently - more positively? If I changed, would the whole situation change? If I dared to share my fears with my spouse instead of pushing him away, would things be different? Could I ask him or her for help to cope with what's bothering me?"

It takes two to tango, so is it time to stop trying to do the waltz and see if you can move in step with one another?

back to top

Love rejoices in the truth

What does that mean for our marriages?

There's no doubt that a marriage built on openness and honesty has more of a chance of surviving the pressures and temptations that come along. Would you ever consider doing something that you couldn't tell your wife or husband about first?

Some of us might say, that takes away our independence, but I don't think it does. I think it's about being answerable to each other. For me my marriage is so important, I don't want anything to put it at risk. I don't need to prove I'm independent, because I feel secure in my own value.

Some truths are harder to share. Past mistakes may be a burden we should choose to carry on our own. Those things should only be shared if it's important for our relationship, not to relieve our own burden.

There can be so much that is positive and beautiful in our relationships. Even when our loved one faces up to something they have been getting wrong, we can rejoice, because we know they've taken a step of growth. We can rejoice in the qualities we see in each other, in the successes at hobbies, at work, in helping our children, even in working through a row and making up.

What good things in your spouse and your marriage can you rejoice in today?

Love is ... not rude

You don't hear much about rudeness these days. It seems that people can be as blunt or disrespectful as they like and they are rarely challenged. This won't help us build a strong marriage.

Courtesy and respect are essential parts of a healthy relationship. We all like to be treated as though we are of value. Rudeness says:, “I don't care about you or your feelings!” When we are rude we are only interested in getting our own point across, making sure the other person knows we are upset or hurt. It's focussed on ourselves not on the other person.

Love is always concerned for the well being of the other. How often do you let rudeness creep into your conversations? Is there anything you need to ask your loved one's forgiveness for right now?

Why not resolve to ensure everything you say is courteously expressed, even the tough things that have to be communicated!

back to top

Taking each other for granted

It's very easy to take each other for granted in marriage. We start off with strong commitment, and then family and work pressures begin to intrude. Our relationship gets pushed down the priority list.

We assume that our loved one knows they are loved, so we stop telling them so. Pressures build up from other quarters and we assume they will understand. Household tasks get divided up and we forget to check with each other that we are still happy with the arrangements we've made. Sometimes, we simply neglect our relationship, while at others it's downright selfishness, we're too lazy or apathetic or we want our own way.

One day we may wake up and discover our loved one has had enough, or that we feel distant and estranged from each other. Don't leave it that long.

Is there any way you are taking your husband or wife for granted? When was the last time you told them or showed them that you loved them? What comes first your career, your agenda or them?

If you want your love to last, these are important questions to ask yourself. Why not do it today?

Are you doing your fair share?

Roles in marriage have changed a lot in the last 50 years. Many wives and mothers go out to work. In some cases it's the men who stay at home and care for the children. Roles and responsibilities in the home are no longer so clear-cut, but we all have expectations of what they should be.

Would you know if your spouse was feeling taken for granted? Do you take the trouble to check whether they are coping with life and happy with the division of labour and the role that's expected of them?

Why not ask them today if they think you've got the balance right? Try and find some way to show that you appreciate what they do.

We all need a little consideration and encouragement along life's way.

back to top

Taking responsibility for our relationship

It's so easy in our married lives to take each other for granted or to have a wonderful accounting system: I did that for him yesterday, he ought to do this for me today. We can have such high expectations of each other: "She ought to know I need her loving touch tonight. I shouldn't have to tell her."
Such attitudes can soon lead to a sense of disappointment and sadness, a sense of something beautiful tarnished or damaged.

Where does the responsibility for the quality of our marriage lie - with husband or with wife? In fact it lies with each of us, surely. If we are both trying to understand each other, and to be open about our own joys, fears and needs, trying to serve each other and pour out our love to each other, then our marriages will flourish, fed and watered by the determination to be the best we can for each other.

Don't wait today for your loved one to show his/her love for you. What can you do to strengthen your marriage today and show him/her that you value them above all else?

How fast do you think?

Have you ever tried to listen to someone who talks at super speed? You're left wondering what hit you and certainly none the wiser. Or perhaps you get frustrated when someone takes half an hour to say something very simple and your mind's already running on ahead, planning next year's holiday or which numbers you're going to pick for the lottery.

We're all different and we all communicate in a slightly different way. To really communicate we've got to learn how to adjust to the other person's speed. This can cause real problems in marriage, if we don't spot the cause.

Get to know the way each other thinks, the pace of talking and listening that suits you and your partner. Are you a tortoise or a hare?

Remember that when you talk or listen you're offering a gift of yourself to your partner. Try to remember that you love them, and that it's worth the extra effort to slow down or speed up and "get to the point". Try to focus on them and silence the internal conversations going on inside your head. Try to get behind the words to the special person you love. Ask them to slow down if they're going too fast. Wait your turn and then try to feed back what you think you heard to make sure you've understood. That way your partner knows you've been listening and trying to understand them and they feel loved and valued.

Did you know? Many cultures in the Far East assume the responsibility for communication lies with the listener. They speak and it's up to you to understand. In the West we tend to expect more of the one who's speaking. Surely communication is about two people - it's up to them both to ensure the communication really works!

back to top

Thank you - two little words that can mean so much

When did you last say 'thank you' to your spouse? Thank you for filling the car up with petrol. Thank you for that nice meal you cooked? Thank you for putting up with me, I've been a bit grumpy lately.

When I'm thanked by my husband, I feel warm inside. I know I'm valued and appreciated. It's a bit like he's put a deposit in my emotional bank account, or some petrol in my tank. I feel renewed and positive. My spirits lift.

All this may happen unnoticed in my busy life, but if I stop long enough I can detect what's going on. Something changes when I'm thanked.

When did you last say thank you to your spouse?

Time to talk

When did you last really talk to each other - not just exchanging facts or discussing the children or work or the bills? Talking about how we are feeling about ourselves and about our relationship is a good way to build up our love for each other.

It's so easy to let the "urgent" things in life crowd out our relationship. It's so easy to miss so much that's beautiful in life, if you listen with half your mind on the list of jobs that need doing.

Perhaps you're both busy all day and feel so tired in the evening you just want to flop down in a heap in front of the TV and go to sleep. Perhaps you work shifts and only see each other for a few moments each day. Unless you schedule in some time for your relationship, for real communication, your relationship will wither like a flower without water.

Do you know what really matters to your loved one right now, what fills them with sadness, or hope, or fear, or joy?

Perhaps you're hurting and fearful of the children growing up and fleeing the nest. Perhaps you're angry and afraid because you've been passed over for promotion. Perhaps you're mixed up as your hormones cause havoc with your emotions each month, and you want to tell your husband what it feels like and know he cares.

Perhaps you want to share the joy you felt when your daughter hugged you today. Perhaps you want to tell your wife about the pride you felt when your son came to you and asked for your help or the exultation when your boss praised your latest project at work.

So much going on inside us, so much crying out to be expressed, accepted, understood, in safety, in love. One moment when we might have dared, a thoughtless word, a grunt, and we lose courage and the moment passes.

Are you looking out for those precious moments? Are you making sure there is some space in life to share them? Don't let them pass by, lost for ever.

back to top

Non-verbals

Do you realize that only about 20% of what you communicate lies in the words you use?

The rest comes from the tone of your voice, eye-contact, and body language! A husband watching the TV and absentmindedly saying "I love you" doesn't really convince his wife, but if he took her by the hand and looked lovingly into her eyes and whispered warmly "I love you", she would get a very different message.

Many parenting books emphasize the importance of eye contact and giving a child your attention. Even a few minutes of this can transform a restless child into a contented one and set the tone for the rest of the day. We could learn a lot from this for our married life.

Some of us may not be used to this sort of communication and find it strange at first, but we can learn. Imagine starting every day with just a few precious moments of communication like this. To be reminded that you're loved and valued at the beginning of every day, just a few moments, could transform our relationships.

Why not try to start your day that way?

back to top

Communication

When you talk to your spouse do you know what you are trying to get across - facts, intuitions, feelings, perhaps?

Or perhaps you just want someone to talk to, to share life with. At times communication is just about human contact, a level of involvement or intimacy that varies depending on whether we're talking to our spouse or exchanging the time of day with a fellow passenger on the bus or train.

Sometimes we talk to our spouse because we want reassurance, affirmation of our opinions or reassurance that we are understood, valued and loved.

When we share something close to the heart of who we are, it's more likely to be a feeling we're sharing, but it could be an opinion or a belief. How important is it that the response shows that we have been listened to or is it more important to have our say, simply to "get it out"? Sometimes we talk to clarify our thoughts, exploring something out loud with our spouse, to help us understand it better.

Why does it matter knowing why and exactly what we are trying to communicate - because it affects our expectations of our partner's response and the way we in turn listen and respond to them. If we share our feelings about an issue, they may think we want them to come up with a solution, when really we want understanding and acceptance. Try to be gentle with your partner. Don't expect them to "just know" what's going on. Take the trouble to tell them what's important to you.

Communication is not simply about words - there can be a lot going on within us both, internal conversations, automatic reactions, judgements, feelings, expectations and non-verbals sending all sorts of messages. If we want to build strong communication then we need to be aware of some of this and take responsibility for how and why we communicate. That way we can grow closer to our spouse and find the joy of being fully known and understood.

back to top

Misunderstandings

It's easy, isn't it, to jump to conclusions about your spouse's motives or what their words mean. Misunderstandings can cause so much damage - they lead to conflict, hurt, and withdrawal from each other.

How can we avoid them?

First of all by listening carefully. Try to get behind the words you are hearing to the person who is saying them. Sometimes we can be very roundabout in how we say things. Watch their non-verbals - what do their eyes, their face tell you?

Keep reminding yourself that you love each other and that the way forward is not to be offended, but to try and understand. Did I understand you right? Tell me more? I don't understand, can you say that in some other way? These are all helpful questions you can use to draw things out.

Secondly, by communicating well. Think what you want to say and why. Try not to blame your spouse for events or for feelings you have. Share where you are coming from. Be gentle with criticism, polite and respectful when requesting something. Take care not to leave things out, because you assume your spouse knows how you are feeling, what you need, or what your expectations are.

If something is very tough for you to express, then write your spouse a letter, so you can choose your words with care. Picture your spouse in front of you, remember how special they are to you, and try and express yourself with warmth and gentleness.

Last of all be generous. If you're hurting, try to put yourself in your spouse's shoes and treat them with the open-mindedness you would wish for. If you fear there is a misunderstanding, don't sweep it under the carpet and assume it will evaporate away. Such things rarely do, they just get buried ready to erupt next time you fall out.

Are there any outstanding misunderstandings between you? Why not sort them out today? There may not be a better time.

back to top

If there was no tomorrow

It seems a somber thought, but there will come a day when there is no tomorrow either for you or for your loved one. Don't arrive at that day full of regrets!

If there was no tomorrow, what would you like to say to your husband or wife? If it would seem so important to say it then, why not say it now? Is there something you want to put right between you, to say sorry for or ask forgiveness for? Is there some stubbornness or hardness of heart that is keeping you from being close, some fear that holds you back from being your self with them? Is there something you long to do together, why not make plans for it now?

One day your memories may be all you have, why not build a wonderful store of them, a life full of love, fun, and joy together. Why not start today and live each day as if it's your last!

When did you last share a good laugh?

I'm married to a joker. He can see the funny side of anything, even in the dead of night, or when disaster strikes! It's quite a gift and I'm glad he's like that - most of the time! Humour has its place. Of course it shouldn't be used to hurt and sometimes it's simply not appropriate, but do we laugh enough these days? I read once that laughter was a great reliever of stress, and we could all do with some of that!

Humour is a very individual thing, but it's still good to find ways to laugh together. What sort of things do you both find funny? Have you a favourite comedy show? How can you help each other see the funny side of life? Can you help each other to laugh at yourselves occasionally, to not take yourself too seriously? And remember, if you're married to a comic as I am, that there is more to him/her than their humour. It often hides a vulnerability and insecurity, that cries out to know it's loved and accepted.

When did you last share a laugh together?

back to top

Are you listening?

"Did you remember to ring your mum today?"

"What?"

"I told you last night she wanted you to ring her!"

"When did you tell me?"

"When you switched the TV off before we went up to bed."

"I don't remember that!"

How good are you at listening? Do you immediately give your partner your full attention when they speak to you or is your mind on other things? Do you think you can hear what they say and think about something else at the same time? What sort of message are you giving them about how important they are by doing this?

Listening works best when you shut off the internal conversations and focus on the person and the words. Try being open and responsive rather than closed and hard. You can't understand one another unless you can really listen to each other.

Is there anything you should say sorry for today?

How do you forgive someone when they've hurt you? It can be very hard and very painful.

If someone acknowledges their mistake and says they're sorry, then it's a little easier to be generous and let the thing go, not hold it against them. But can you or should you forgive them, if they don't seem sorry?

What happens inside when we don't forgive someone? The hurt sits there like an infection and it festers, it spreads out and colours our view of life. It makes us hard inside, hard, unyielding, bitter. It actually damages us.

What happens when we forgive someone? It means letting go on our desire to punish or hurt them. We let go on our demand to be repaid for the hurt inflicted. We give up on any desire to take revenge. It hurts, but somehow, it's more the hurt of having a wound cleaned than the hurt of the wound inflicted in the first place.

It brings us back into relationship again. There may be new bridges to build. We may find new levels where we need to choose to forgive. We may need to walk in the forgiveness, to make daily decisions not to pick the offense up again, but the wound is drawn and the poison can drain out and healing can begin.

When you've hurt your loved one, do you want them to forgive you? Is there anything you need to forgive each other for?

Don't leave it too long.

back to top

Say something nice for a change

How easy it is to focus on each other's faults, to complain and put each other right. How hard it is to put our frustrations and disappointments aside, however justified they may be and to say something nice for a change:

"That was a lovely meal you cooked, dear."
"Thank you for filling the car up with petrol."
"You're really good at getting Karen calmed down and into bed."
"It's so good when you make us laugh."
"Thank you for keeping your cool and not shouting at me, I'm sorry."
"You look really special in that dress."
"I love you."

back to top