MARRIAGE - LOVE AND INTIMACY

Jealousy?

Are you jealous of some relationship your spouse has with someone else? Perhaps you resent the closeness between your wife and a girlfriend or parent, or you don’t like your husband going out with lads and you think he puts them before you.

These things may seem small but they can grow and disturb your relationship, especially if they are buried and not spoken of. But how do you bring the conversation round to such a difficult topic? Perhaps you think you shouldn’t feel that way or that your partner will be hurt or angry with you?

How would you like them to broach the subject if you were behaving that way? With gentleness and tact? This is where talking about your own feelings and thoughts rather than accusing your spouse of things will help. "When you go out without me, I feel lonely. I do enjoy having you around. I know you like to go out with the boys, but perhaps you could make it o nce a fortnight and I’ll get a babysitter in so we can go out together alternate weeks."

"I know your Mum is very important to you, and I really appreciate her too, but sometimes I wish I was the one you turned to more often. Sometimes I feel quite hurt. I want to be the one to support you when you have concerns. Perhaps we can stay home this weekend instead of going over there and do something special. What would you like to do together?"

Facing up to issues between us involves courage and taking a risk, but ignoring a problem rarely means it will go away.

In sickness and in health

How do you see illness? Is it just something that happens, fate, or is it something that you can avoid by healthy living?

Some friends of mine have really struggled with this one. The wife gets very anxious when the husband isn't eating well or getting enough exercise. She fears he will become ill, because her mother developed high blood pressure due to being overweight. He always felt defensive about discussing these things. His father died of cancer with no obvious cause. He see her comments as putting him down, and it was a long time before they were able to understand their different opinions and beliefs and to realise what was going on.

We all have different views and attitudes to health and illness. They may affect the way we respond to each other and how open we are to talk about health matters. yet we are bombarded by the media about healthy living, keeping fit and having a beautiful body.

My friends were eventually able to open up these issues. The wife was able to understand why her husband became defensive and to reassure him that she loved him and still found him attractive - in fact she loved him so much she was afraid to lose him. He was able to accept her fears and chose to take some steps to take more care of his health. A previous "no go" area was opened up and became a place where they could affirm their love for each other.

Are you able to talk to each other about health issues? What are the barriers that hold you back? Are you open enough to believe that you can break through those barriers for the sake of the one you love?

My husband thinks that some illnesses can't be avoided.

Love … bears all things

Putting up with things, forgiving, continuing to give even when it seems one sided – that’s what true love does. That’s a tall order. Can someone who loves bear all things? Is it too much to ask? If it is, then where would you draw the line?

When I think of bearing all things I think of the mother and father whose door is always open to the wayward son who has destroyed all their dreams or the spouse who tries to find a way forward after his or her marriage partner has let her down yet again. They are willing to be hurt again because they cannot help but love.

It’s not about being a doormat and taking all the punches real or figurative that are sent your way, but about going on loving in spite of your loved ones faults. The marriage service talks of "for better for worse". I wonder where we can find the resources to love in that kind of way. The only place I know that you can find that kind of love is through the grace of God putting that love in our hearts. Perhaps that’s why you seldom see these words outside the bible.

Are you committed to being loyal to your loved one come what may? How precious to be loved that way? Where will you turn when your marriage faces its toughest challenges?

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Love is ... not irritable!

You’ve had bad day. The boss has told you off. The traffic was bad and the dog had left a mess on the garden path.You’re fed up and you want some sympathy or at least to let out your frustration, but your wife has not had a very good day either. What do you do?

Grump at her because the dinner isn’t ready? Moan about the mess the place is in? Or go up to her and give her a hug and tell her you love her and she’s the most important person in the world to you?

I wonder which is most loving and most likely to help you both have a good evening?!

Love is ... not arrogant!

Pride can make our hearts hard. It prevents us from listening to someone else's point of view. After all, we know best. It holds others at arm's length and destroys relationships.

It can be subtle, too. It can prevent us from admitting we aren't managing our lives and need some help. It’s about: "I can cope, I don't need you". Independence and stubbornness often go hand in hand with it.

Love involves humility. This allows us to have a healthy view of ourselves and our need of others, and to value what others have to offer.

Has pride crept into your marriage?

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New Year hopes

Dare I ask how you are feeling right now about your marriage? For many of us Christmas is a stressful time, and so New Year can see us tense and less than happy with the way things are going.

The New Year does give us the opportunity to take stock and make a fresh start. I think it’s a good time to reflect on the good things that we have and to dream of what could be even better.

If things are going well for you both, why not ask yourself what is your greatest hope for your marriage in the coming year? Why not share it together over a bottle of wine or a meal, or a walk and decide what would make it happen?

If things are not as good as you would wish, then perhaps you could ask yourself a couple of questions:

What behaviour could I change in myself, that would strengthen our commitment to each other?

What positive thing could I do or say to my loved one to show that I am committed to loving him/her?

Happy New Year!

Christmas - joy or pain?

Christmas is portrayed by the world around us as a time we should be happy and have everything we've always wanted, but life doesn't just change because the day has a special name.

Many people find Christmas a painful time, with quite a bit of disappointment and unhappiness. Perhaps that's how you're feeling this Christmas.

Behind all the glitz and expectations the truth about Christmas is that God loved us so much that He was willing to come and face life with us. He didn't come down with a flourish to impress us, He didn't tell us we ought to be happy and have everything we wanted.

He quietly sent His Son, Jesus, to share our lives with us to show He understood what life can be like. He even came with the answer to all our pain - Jesus died, so that we might find healing in our relationship with God and with each other and find true hope and happiness.

So my tip for the season is: let God touch your life this Christmas and bring His hope and joy to your marriage.

Temptation

We often know when we're being tempted - a little voice says: "That's risky." or "That would really hurt my wife/husband if they knew". But we push that little voice of our conscience down or argue with it: "She need never know." "I'm entitled to a bit of happiness." "He doesn't really care."

But is it really worth it? Do we really set such a low value on our marriage that we are going to allow temptation or weakness to destroy it? In some ways I think that the opposite of temptation is hope - hope that our relationship can grow stronger, hope that it can be a real source of security and happiness.

If we live our lives transparently doing nothing that we know would hurt our loved one, then temptation won't get a hold of us. Next time you're tempted to let your spouse down, ask yourself - is it really what I want, is it really worth it?

And if you enjoy a bit of spice in your life and want to live dangerously may I recommend bungie jumping or parachute jumping …

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How to fight!

Have it out, don’t brush it under the carpet.

Be fair, don’t aim below the belt - but don’t wear the belt around your neck!

Always stick to the subject, but it helps to know what the subject is – it may not be what started the fight.

Don’t bring up past history. If it’s more than a couple of days old, let it go.

Don’t call each other names. That’s character assassination, not fighting fair.

Always finish the fight. Don’t walk away however much it hurts.

Hold hands while fighting. This reminds you that it’s the love of your life in front of you and he/she’s more important than winning the fight!

(Based on advice from Marriage Encounter)

Selfishness - do your needs come first?

I'm not sure this word is very popular these days unless it's being addressed at someone else. Everything is all right for me, but woe betide someone who takes advantage of me.
And so we reveal the depth of selfishness around, because so often we can only see things from our point of view. We can't even see how self-centered and selfish we actually are!

Whatever our individualistic society has to say, I still believe that most of our problems in life arise from selfishness, either our own or someone else's. Selfishness is the enemy of any healthy relationship and certainly any healthy marriage. The essence of love is to give, to care for, to trust, to protect. The focus is on the needs of the one we love, so selfishness can have no place.

Are you selfish? Do you think you have yawning great needs that demand to be satisfied? Who's boss in your life? Who comes first in your marriage? What comes first in your marriage? Are you expecting to have your own way and how do you behave when you don't get it?

Why not take some time today to examine the attitudes you have to your marriage relationship and ask yourself whether they are pulling you apart or keeping you together?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder - how to cope with travelling on business

How can we cope with the disruption of frequent business travelling? I don't know how long distance lorry drivers keep their relationships flourishing. Perhaps someone will write in and tell me. There's no doubt one partner being away puts pressure on the other, especially if there are children. Then there's the temptation to find company elsewhere, or the lurking fears of what he or she are getting up to in that hotel all on their own.

If you're reading this, then you will have e-mail. My husband and I write to each other when he's away for a long time, especially if he's abroad. Of course he has to have access to e-mail wherever he is. The time difference doesn't matter and it's cheaper than a phone call. You can also think carefully about what you want to say.

We also find it helps if we make a highlight of the homecoming, setting aside some time and space for each other to adjust mentally and emotionally. Sometimes that won't be the moment the traveller returns as they may have sleep to catch up on, but it does make the point that you're glad to be back together again. It also gives you space to talk about expectations. One of you may have a strong desire for sex, after being apart and a time to show your care for each other may give the other one the chance to catch up with that.

There are probably lots of other issues around this subject, which are specific to your own relationship. Why not find time to sit down and talk about your views, emotions and expectations at these times? You may well discover something new about each other and fresh ways to help each other cope with the pressures at these times.

Life's too short

She sat and looked at the pair of slippers by the fire, the sweater discarded the night before. Everything around her reminded her of him.

He wasn't coming home - ever. So many questions filled her mind, but so many reproaches too. Did he know she loved him? Had she told him recently? Why had they quarrelled last night - it all seemed so irrelevant now?

So many dreams they'd had at first, so many plans of how it would be for them. Now the door had closed and there were no more opportunities. They'd had their time.

If only?

What would you say to each other today, if you knew there would be no tomorrow? Grasp the opportunities while you have them and be thankful for each new day that comes.

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Past experiences

Some friends of mine were telling me the other day about a misunderstanding that had been rumbling on for ages. He was rather overweight and she kept pestering him to lose a few pounds. He brushed her concerns off with a joke and she found herself making derogatory remarks about his appearance.

The hurt grew and they knew they had to talk about it. They tried to share how they felt about his being over weight, and she shared how worried she was in case he was ill. Then it came out that she often thought of when she was growing up and her mother got overweight and had a stroke. To her illness was something that happened because you didn't look after yourself.

His father had died of cancer of no known cause, and so he regarded illness rather fatalistically. He hadn't realised why she was so worried and thought she'd just been fussing over him. He was touched by her love and concern for him and she felt reassured to have her concerns taken seriously.

Misunderstandings often arise because we don't see life quite the same way as our partner. Our experiences from the past may be very different. We don't have to change to be like our partner, but understanding where they are coming from can take the hurt out of differences.

Next time you bump up against each other in some way, why not stop and try to understand what's going on underneath? It's amazing what you can learn about each other and your love.

Spicing up our lives

What adds spice to your relationship – a candle-lit meal and a bottle of wine, new sexy underwear, a bunch of flowers, a weekend away without the children, a loving note tucked into his lunch box, that stroke down the back of the neck, a kind word, a cuddle?

What would bring an added sparkle to your marriage today? What would bring a smile to your loved one's face? Something tried and tested or something new and unexpected?

All it needs surely is a bit of thought, imagination and effort and a desire to please the most important person in your life.

And why do it? Because your relationship has the potential to be the best thing in your lives! Because once upon a time you were so excited about each other, the world revolved around the times you had together. Do you remember? Do you want it again? It’s up to you!

Make Love All Day Long

Well, that must have got your attention!

What is it that feeds our physical relationship - is it sexy underwear or new techniques? No, I think it's got far more to do with the whole way we are with each other. Some folks are just naturally uninhibited in this area, but many of us need the reassurance that we are loved and cared for all the time. We want to be cherished and valued by each other, treated with respect, shown that we are attractive.

Women often think they can recognise their husbands unspoken message because the compliments and affection only come when he wants to make love. Some men wonder why their wives slump around in shapeless jumpers at home, but dress up to the nines to go out with the girls, or why it takes their wife so long to "warm up" when they themselves are so amorous.

If we talk and get to know what we each need from the other, then our relationship can be much more fun. Perhaps those wives I spoke of need reassuring that they can be complimented and cherished without an expectation of love-making. Perhaps those husbands need to know how to really turn their wives on. Perhaps those wives need to tell their husbands what matters to them instead of expecting them to know instinctively.

Making love can be a 24/7 activity - enjoy!

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Compassion

I find it very strange how soft everyone seems to go over a baby. They think they're cute, they coo over them. The baby can do no wrong. Yet we all start out like that, but when we grow into rebellious teenagers or awkward and stubborn adults, we are treated differently. Instead of indulgence, compassion, forgiveness, we are often met with criticism, anger and rejection, when we let others down.

I really wonder if we have changed so much. Aren't we still the same people with the same potential and the same need to be loved and cared for?

Surely as adults we deserve compassion, too. I wonder what that would look like in my marriage ... and in yours?

Love transforms

Do you remember some of the fairy tales from childhood. They often had some moral or hidden wisdom tucked away in the familiar story. Take Beauty and the Beast for example. The beast trapped in an ugly facade and bubbling over with resentment and anger is transformed by a love that refuses to be put off by appearances, but looks below the surface full of hope. Seeing the possibilities and potential in each other is a precious gift in marriage. I am who I am today because my husband saw potential gifts within me that I couldn’t see, he affirmed me in my struggles and believed in my lovability when even I doubted it.

Are you willing to do that for your spouse, to look below the faults and see the beauty and possibilities in the one you love?

Jingles

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Take regular exercise. Treat yourself. Keep your cholesterol down with….

There’s a lot of popular advice, proverbs and "jingles" about keeping fit and healthy in our bodies. If you wanted to offer some simple advice about marriage what would you say?

A hug a day keeps the doctor away.
It hurts less to say sorry and forgive than to cry alone.
Take regular exercise – talk to each other today!
Get in touch with the hero inside your spouse.
Treat your marriage to a weekend away together.

Perhaps you can think of some too.

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Know your spouse

How well do you know your spouse Ð their hopes and fears, what they enjoy, what they hate, what they struggle with? Perhaps some of these things are hard to discover, some of us are very private people and you have to wait your chance to draw them out or even use a bit of intuition.

Marriage is a journey with so much to discover about each other along the way. What can you learn about each other today?

In relationship - or just going through the motions?

Is your relationship flourishing or are you just "going through the motions"? It’s very easy to take each other for granted, to greet each other at the end of a day, exchange information over supper, sort out the practicalities of love, even to make love, but not really to be deeply involved with each other.

We’re very good at allowing ourselves to be distracted from our relationship – so many urgent things to do, but we also avoid relationship, because sometimes it's messy and painful and we like to be comfortable and happy.

Next time you catch yourself listening with half an ear or retiring into a TV programme, DIY job or hobby, why not check you're not doing it to avoid your spouse. Why not be daring, give them your full attention, get involved in what's important to them.

Random acts of kindness

I once read a story of the impact of someone who went round doing unexpected acts of kindness. They saw an opportunity to do something for someone, even though it meant putting themselves out and they did it, even when they didn't know them or even wouldn't see the joy it brought.

I wonder how our relationships would be transformed if we were always thoughtful for each other like that, looking for opportunities to help and bless our spouse. In today's busy world and with all our own needs crying out, we often miss simple opportunities to show we care.

Why not be on the look out for opportunities to help and care for our loved one even if they go unnoticed or un-remarked - not for reward, but for the simple and pure pleasure of loving them!

Add some romance!

What is your favourite way of setting up a romantic atmosphere? Is it candle light? Or a surprise gift, a note tucked in an unexpected place, saying "I love you!"? A new perfume, taking trouble with your appearance, a bunch of red roses, theatre tickets, or a walk in the countryside, a picnic by the sea?

For many of us it will be something very personal either to us or to our loved one. It may be something that recaptures a memory of romance in the past, or something new and exciting that says "I've gone to this trouble because you're special!"

Romantic touches keep the fun in our marriages. They can say more than words can, expressing a commitment to each other and an exclusiveness. "I would only do this for you - you're worth it!" They're about wanting our spouse to know that they really matter to us, that we had them specifically in mind when we made our plans.

What could you do today to add a touch of romance to your lives? Why not forget the "to do" list and the pressures of work and capture a few moments together savouring how special you are to each other.

A lasting impression

A friend of mine noticed the following epitaph on a gravestone during a lunch time stroll. "Kind, Beautiful Annie". These words tell us nothing about this person's achievements or success, but they tell us volumes about the sort of person she was to be with.

I wonder how you would like others to remember you or even how you hope they see you now. Do you want to be remembered for your achievements, power and possessions or do you want to be remembered for some personal qualities like kindness, gentleness, generosity, or loyalty? Do you know what personal qualities you have to offer others, like your spouse, your children or your friends?

Sometimes we can be rushing around so fast doing things, we forget to "be". Isn't it true that the thing we often long for most is someone who will listen to us and have time for us, someone we can feel at ease with. Are we any good at being that sort of person for our loved ones. Can our spouse find peace, security and rest in our company?

What epitaph would you like to have?

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How are we doing?

A recent piece of research showed that couples who took a yearly "check-up" on their relationship seemed more likely to stay together.

It's amazing that just stopping once a year to think "how are we getting on?" can make such a difference. You don't have to do anything complicated or go to a counsellor. You could just ask a few simple questions of yourselves:

  • Has our relationship changed over the last year?
  • Do I feel positive or negative about that change?
  • Is there something I've been longing to talk to you about?
  • Is there something that is worrying me that I'd like you to hear and understand?
  • Are there things in our life that are drawing us closer or pushing us apart?
  • Can we do anything to strengthen our relationship?
  • What one thing would I like you to do for me in the year ahead?
  • What one thing would I like to do for you?
  • What do I like best about us?
  • What do I like least?
  • What am I prepared to do about it?
  • What is the best thing that's happened to us in the last year?
  • What do I want most for us in the year ahead?

Are you hiding?

How do you want others to see you? As successful, sophisticated, wise, good fun? As the good mother, a lady, a helpful person, a deep thinker?

These days society lays emphasis on how we appear, rather than on what is below the surface. That doesn't provide much of a basis for a relationship, if all you're trying to do is impress each other or pretend to be someone you aren't.

Most of us are looking for someone who will love and accept us even when we fail or mess up, but do we dare to let them see us as we see ourselves, self doubts and all?

The helpful person doesn't like to admit they need help and soldiers on alone (and lonely). The successful person fears failure and pushes themselves ever harder and harder - there's little time for relationships and those we love give up and turn elsewhere.

Perhaps it's good to show a little of our doubts and weaknesses to those closest to us - you never know they may find some treasure in us which is more valuable than all we've been trying to hide. What do you most want your partner to accept in you? Dare you tell them?

Can your spouse trust you?

Trust is a two-way thing. Not only do we need to trust our partner, that they won't hurt us or betray us, that they have our best at heart, but we also need to be trustworthy. That means always acting in a way that honours our loved one. It means not doing anything that we need to hide from them.

When we're tempted to do something that we're unsure of, we can ask ourselves, "Would I do it if my wife/husband were here? Would it hurt or offend them?" If we live in that sort of openness then trust will build with the years.

Can your spouse trust you?

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Love - a feeling or a decision?

Your husband seems to be being really considerate of your needs. You're feeling safe and secure in his love.

Your wife has been really affectionate and concerned for you without fussing over you.
You are full of positive feelings. You know why you married this person. You love them, there's no doubt.

It's wonderful when things are going well, but what about when things start going wrong? He/she seems to have got out of the wrong side of the bed. He/she never seems to understand you. You feel irritated, hurt or even cold and distant. Is that the end of it? Is there no hope? Why bother when he/she doesn't take any notice? Communication is cut, there's no warmth, no real contact, no snuggling up in bed.

Is there anything you can do? Well I think there is! I think that you can go on acting lovingly, showing you care and want what's best for them. Sooner or later the warmth of that kind of love will melt the barriers.

To do that you have to decide to love despite your feelings. If love is only a feeling, it's hardly worth starting out on this journey of marriage, because there will be times when you don't feel loving towards each other. Feelings are very fickle and changeable.
They tell us a lot about ourselves, but they're not very good guides as to how we should behave. Who wants to be like a two-year-old and act out of their feelings all the time?

Do you always act on your feelings or can you rise above them? Perhaps that's rather an important lesson to learn in marriage.

Hugs - and why we all need them

Sometimes all it takes is a hug - to say "I love you". We need to be touched and held from the tiniest baby to the stiff and deaf 90-year-old.

We're not all touchy, feely people. Some of us grew up without being hugged, without physical affection. Some of us suffered from physical contact and are very wary of it still. Perhaps we all need to be willing to touch one another in a healthy way.

Many of us were moved by Princess Diana hugging the sick children she met, the wizened AIDS sufferers. Jesus was willing to touch lepers and brought healing.

I wonder if a hug would make a difference in your marriage. Go on, just take each other in your arms with no agendas and hold each other for a moment. Stop and remember how precious you are to each other. Enjoy the sense of physical closeness to another human being, who you love. And if there are hurts there, just park them somewhere for a while and capture the precious moment of simply "being" together.

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