MARRIAGE - PERSONALITY ISSUES

• Love is not envious
• What makes you feel secure?
• Priorities - do you focus on what matters most?
• Thinking outside the box
• Temptation
• Time for me
• The trouble with you is ...
• Change - but who?
• Uniqueness
• Bridge builder weds the one who "waits and sees"
• For better, for worse?
• Are you time or task-orientated?
• The purpose of marriage
• The busy person's marriage checklist
• Are you a control freak?
• Is baggage threatening your marriage?

Love is … not envious

All of us have some insecurities. Sometimes we keep them well hidden. One way we can spot them is when we find ourselves feeling jealous or envious of the one we love. On our lips is: "It’s not fair." Or: "It’s all right for them". "I wish I could …" "I wish I was ..."

Are you at home with who you are. Do you love yourself – not in a proud way, but can you accept yourself, even the less attractive bits? If you are able to do this, then you are less likely to wish you were someone else and become jealous of something about your loved one.

Can you enjoy the success of your spouse, when something goes well for them.? Can you be genuinely pleased for them? Or, do you need to put them in their place every so often to help you feel better about yourself?

Envy leads to competitiveness. It is the seed of resentment, which grows into a weed that stifles love. Far better to root out the causes of envy before they take root. How about a bit of gardening today?

What makes you feel secure?

Have you ever stopped to consider what makes you feel secure? Perhaps it’s about a life where little changes, where you know just where you are. Perhaps you need to feel in control of things or to be constantly reassured of your partner’s love. Perhaps it’s linked with money or your career. Maybe it’s about your faith in God. Or perhaps it’s about having a sense of purpose.

Why not talk to your loved one about what makes you feel secure and find out what makes them feel that way? If you dare you could begin to explore what makes each of you feel insecure. Often our behaviour is affected by insecurity as we seek to protect ourselves or to hit out defensively in our words. It helps to know what makes us feel insecure, because then we can understand why we react in certain ways and take steps to support and help one another when we’re under pressure.

Priorities - do you focus on what matters most?

Most of us find modern life stressful and tiring. There is so much to do, so much to think about and so little time. Yet we have as much time as our parents and grandparents had, so what is going on?

Somehow we have to look at our lives and sort out some priorities. You could try making a list of the things that are most important to you, the people or things that you would be most sad to lose.

Then make a list of what takes the most of your time and energy. Have a look at the two lists and consider whether there are any changes you'd like to make in your life. Some things can't be changed - we all have to earn a living, look after children or dependent relatives.

Do you choose to do things according to whether they're important or urgent? Why is it we will drop everything to answer the phone? Would it be the end of the world if we didn't answer it? Do you ever take the phone of the hook, switch off the TV and put a fence round some time together with your loved one?

Where does your husband or wife come in the two lists you made? Does that surprise you? Are you happy about it?
Today why not sort out your priorities and make sure nothing is allowed to squeeze them out!

Thinking outside the box

I'm very easily overwhelmed by the problems of life. My husband teases me sometimes by telling me I always see the glass of life as half empty. He on the other hand, although he gets down at times, sees the possibilities. He sees the glass as half full. Yes there's room for more, but look what we have already.

He's taught me a lot in our 20 odd years of marriage and one thing he's taught me is to "think outside the box". So many of us are trapped by self-limiting beliefs. "I couldn't do that, I'm not clever enough." "I'm not attractive, no-one will want to be friends with me." "I couldn't……."

Well yes there are things we can't do, but often we don't know until we try. Those self-limiting beliefs can stunt our marriage. "Things will never change." "I can't be the woman he wants me to be." "Women are too emotional, you can't trust them to make wise decisions." "Housework is for women, why should I help her?" "I can't possibly tell him how I feel about making love." "I'm worthless/unattractive/a failure…" "The romance is gone for ever…"

Just perhaps, things can change, if we are willing to change. Perhaps you are the woman he wants you to be. Perhaps women can make wise decisions even if their emotions are involved. Perhaps housework should be shared. Perhaps I can risk telling him how I feel when we make love. Perhaps I do have value, perhaps I am attractive, have had successes, and made a difference in this world.

What do you believe right now that's stopping you from being free to love and be loved by your husband? Think beyond the can'ts and nevers and dream of what could be. Then take a little step towards your dream, and don't let the trips and falls along the way put you off.

Temptation

It comes in all sorts of shapes and forms: a new dress, another drink, a pretty girl at work, telling our friends about our partner's faults, staying out later than we intended. It promises to make us feel better, but it rarely does for long. It can lead to lies, deceit and embarassment, to hurt and lack of trust, even to divorce.

Don't we often know what would be best for our marriage? Yet, we tell ourselves, it doesn't matter if we cheat a little. We deserve a bit of fun, a bit of self indulgence. It won't hurt …

The best thing to do when we're tempted to do something that we know will hurt our partner is to walk away from it, whether it's a new dress, or an attractive bloke or girl at work. If you know you have a weakness than don't go where temptation lurks - steer clear. If something's wrong at home, then face up to it, try and talk it through, seek professional help, but don't drown your sorrows in a bottle or seek reassurance in another relationship.

Ignoring a problem never solves it - it just adds another.

Sometimes it helps to own up to what the temptation is, then you can face it together. I've found it helps to tell my husband when I find someone else attractive. He knows it's not a rejection of him and somehow the temptation to act on it is weakened, because it's not a secret from him.

Is there anything or anyone that you need to avoid to keep your marriage strong?

Time for "me"

Do you think you have the right balance between time together and individual space? My husband works long hours and comes home to further demands from the family. He needs some time to unwind, space to think or just to relax and do something that he enjoys. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be with me, but he can get to the point where he is emotionally or mentally drained.

If you are an introvert then you will need time alone to recharge your batteries. If you are an extrovert, you may prefer to do this in company, by partying, or in stimulating conversation with friends or on the touchline at a football game with a crowd.

Unless we try to understand each other's needs in this area, we may well misunderstand and misinterpret their behaviour. It can be easy to put pressure on one another or to fear our loved one doesn’t care.

Why not have a conversation about how you recharge the batteries? Find out if you are different. Discuss your use of time and what you would like to do differently. Be open to learning something new about each other and accepting that change may be for the better.

The trouble with you is …

There's a bit in the Bible about taking the log out of your own eye before trying to take the speck out of another's eye. "The trouble with you is …"

How often the log and speck are made of the same wood. It's a curious fact that we always find it easier to spot a particular fault in others when it's one of ours, too.

Putting others right helps us to avoid facing up to our own shortcomings.

Next time you feel the urge to criticise your spouse, why not stop and ask yourself a few questions first:

* Do I do the same thing myself?
* What attitude or behaviour have I got at present that's damaging our relationship?
* Is there anything in me I need to change?

Uniqueness

Do you think in pictures or in words? Trees blowing in the wind ... Did you see them in your mind's eye or did you see the words on the page of a book or wonder: "What sort of trees?"

Do you see or hear the world around you? When someone's speaking, do you see their face, their mannerisms or do you find a conversation going on in your head?

Within a marriage, the way you see life can be so different. I had some friends who designed and built their own house. He knew exactly what their new home would look like, before the foundations were begun. She had to ask questions, to look at the plans, to try and describe what it would be like in words.

When it came to making decisions about the house, they found it very difficult because they operated differently.

It's so easy for something that simple to be a barrier to us. One of you might say about a situation: "How do you see things?" while the other would say: "What do you think about it?" or "How does that sound to you?". The 'words person' might expect a logical reasoned comment, the 'visual person' might come out with something simple and intuitive. Neither is being unreasonable, they are just being themselves.

One of the wonders of marriage can be discovering how different you are and valuing those differences. When you value each others uniqueness, you become more aware of how your unique gifts help you complement one another.

What quality in your partner do you really appreciate, because you haven't got it? Why not tell them? What can you uniquely bring to your marriage?

Change - but who?

"If only he would…" "I wish she wasn't like that." Are you dissatisfied with your loved one. If we could change the world to suit our picture of it, life would be so much better! Or would it?

Do we have this attitude in our marriage? "The trouble with you is…"

Is the answer for our partner to change? Perhaps their changing would make a difference, but there is nothing more likely to be doomed to failure than trying to change someone else. So…. we could put up with disillusionment in our marriage and grumble… or, we could change what can be changed - ourselves.

A good honest look at ourselves may well reveal ways in which we can be more caring and loving, more open about our needs and our feelings. Perhaps we can spend more time trying to understand what makes our spouse tick, what's important to them. When we find things in ourselves that need to change we can alter the balance of our relationship and open a door for a bit of change elsewhere.

Do you know if your loved one would behave more lovingly if you did?

Bridge builder weds the one who "waits and sees"

Are you a bridge-builder? Do you like to plan ahead and cover every eventuality? Do you worry about the future, keep lists of jobs to do, and like to have everything clear and under control?

Or perhaps you're very different, you don't rush to make decisions. You prefer to see how situations develop. You do what seems most important at the time, and trust everything will sort itself out.

Most people may be a combination of these, but take two people at the extremes of these two and you have the potential for an interesting marriage! The bridge-builder is always chasing the laid-back one to do things. They feel frustrated and misunderstood. Does he/she really care? The laid-back one feels pressurised and defensive, trying to escape the endless questions and organisation and planning. They may feel trapped by the situation. Often they can't see what all the fuss is about.

These are the sorts of differences in personality that can occur in marriage. Do you know how you view life? Do you understand how your loved one sees it? Are you able to take responsibility for your needs in this and not blame your partner, when they don't do what you think they ought?

Are you flexible enough to try and understand your loved one and let them be themselves rather than trying to change them to serve your needs? Today is a good day to start trying to see things from their point of view. Why not give it a try?

Are you time or task-orientated?

Do you live life by the clock or do you deal with each task that comes your way, however long it takes? I can remember being driven round the bend by a work colleague who never turned up to a meeting on time, and couldn't understand my frustration at being kept waiting.

Yet that same person was a wonderful person to go to if you had a problem. They would give you all the attention you needed however long it took. He was task-orientated. He did a job and he did it well, whereas I had to be on time for everything and got quite frustrated if a job took longer than I planned.

If you are different like that in your marriage, it can cause all sorts of problems. It's worth talking through how important it is for you to be on time or to finish a job once started. Half the battle is to understand your differences, then you can start to make the effort to compromise in a few areas, instead of just getting irritated!

• back to top

The purpose of marriage

It was a beautiful wedding. Everyone admired the happy couple and wished them well as they headed off on their honeymoon. All that excitement, then back to reality. The
reality of a shared life. But what's the point of it all - a happy home to bring up children, companionship, a secure society?

What's the point of your marriage, or to put it another way, "What purpose does your relationship serve?" Perhaps it gives you both security or emotional stability, a place where you belong. Perhaps it provides a loving background for your children to grow up. These are all good purposes for a marriage, but does your love for each other touch anyone outside your immediate family? Do you serve the community together, are you there as a couple for others when they need support or a friend? Does your relationship make a difference to others around you? Or do you think your marriage is purely a private affair?

If you don't have a sense of purpose for your marriage, that's something you might like to talk about. The things that bind people together are shared interests, shared values and shared aims. One way to strengthen your marriage is to build on such things that can draw you closer.

"If you're not heading somewhere, you'll certainly get nowhere." Anon

 

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