Why does God give us difficult friends?! - CFN Newsletter Week 114

CHRISTIAN FAMILY NETWORK NEWSLETTER 114

> Liz Jennings looks at struggles with 'difficult' friends, and relationships that turn sour
> News:
> Youngsters spiritually fit for 2004?
> 'Let's play at being vicar' - schoolkids take church to heart
> Single parent breaks boom
> Sites:
> Your church can help promote marriage
> Spiritual - and physical - fitness for youngsters in 2004
> Soul in the City prepares to impact London
> Marriage MOT: Here we go again - breaking old patterns
> You've got to laugh: Newletter bloopers
> Members' Zone latest

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Dear All

Happy New Year!

Did you find yourself getting cards from old friends over Christmas? It got us thinking about friendship, and Liz Jennings asks some interesting questions - especially about friendships that are lost, and about those 'difficult' friends we can sometimes have!

We've got Elaine Storkey on the changing face of relationships in society and what it means for Christians trying to communicate the Gospel; Elisabeth Corcoran's latest Moments with Mum; Eric Spellmann's answers to the most common computer queries and much more.

Plus there are stacks of new events lined up with Care for the Family and more in our events section.

Take care - and keep in touch!

Russ Bravo
Christian Family Network
info@cfnetwork.co.uk
http://www.cfnetwork.co.uk

PS Christian Family Network is here to direct you to the best in parenting, marriage and family resources; to link you up with other Christian families up and down the UK; and to help you make the most of life as a follower of Christ - at home, at work, at school and college, at play and online.

Your feedback, positive and negative, enables us to develop CFN in the way that is most useful for you - so please tell us if we're off the rails or on the button!

And don't forget - if we can pass on material (sample copies of Families Together, leaflets) which will help you tell your friends and your church about CFN, just mail Lyn Bedford at marketing@christianmedia.org.uk and she'll be glad to help you out.

RELATIONSHIPS

Just good friends?

  • At a time of year when many of us are in touch once more with friends from way back, LIZ JENNINGS looks at the challenge of ‘difficult’ relationships and why some friendships don’t last

Seven in 10 Britons say losing friends is their biggest regret in life, according to a recent web survey by MSN Messenger.

And, despite ever increasing ways of staying in touch, modern lifestyles make losing contact easier than ever. In fact, most of us keep up with just one out of every 12 friends made during a lifetime, according to recent research quoted in one national newspaper.

It’s a subject that’s been on my mind lately.

Picture the scene: the phone rings and, as you go to answer it, a tiny voice in the back of your mind is running through a list of people you hope aren’t calling.

Have you ever let the answer-phone deal with these people for you? What my friend calls ‘screening’.

You sit there and wait to hear whose voice comes through before deciding it’s safe to pick up. BT now run a service that allows you to see who’s calling by displaying their number on your handset: it’s the telephone equivalent of a spy-hole in your front door.

It’s true, some of my friends scare me. I never know where a conversation with them will end up. Some of them regularly irritate, hurt and disappoint me. And I suppose they would say the same things in return, although, naturally, I can’t think why!

I once heard a tape of John Ortberg preaching, on which he said that, as Christians, we ‘need’ difficult relationships to enable us to grow. If we didn’t have any, he joked, he could provide us with a list of difficult people that he knew to get us started.

But once we know these difficult people, what then?

On the day Louisa discovered she was pregnant, her friend, Debbie, rang her in a troubled state: “I’m pregnant. I don’t want it. I’m going to have an abortion. What do you think?”

Stunned, Louisa asked for a few hours thinking time before responding. This was not what Debbie wanted. She screamed abuse at Louisa, and hung up. A letter followed, fuelled with the venom of an embittered mind. Louisa didn’t reply.

That was a year ago. Louisa and Debbie have had their ups and downs before, but this time, things are different. Contact hasn’t been re-established. I spoke to Louisa about the experience.

“Looking back at the relationship, I see that fear was my motivation, rather than love. It was a repeated pattern of Debbie having a crisis and me supporting the often bad decisions she made, out of fear that she’d turn on me if I didn’t. I maintained peace at the expense of honesty. Then the one time I didn’t just blindly support her, she stopped speaking to me.

“Part of becoming emotionally involved with another person is that things can become more complicated, but it’s important to have boundaries. If you feel like you’re being abused despite repeated attempts at friendship, it’s no good. If there’s honesty, there’s hope.

“I can’t believe God would want you to be destroyed by someone else. But I do believe he can save some relationships through prayer. I also think the devil can load you down with guilt. When an unhealthy relationship ends, hand it over to God and move on.”

> THIS WEEK'S NEWS

> Youngsters spiritually fit for 2004?

Young people are being asked to add a spiritual dimension to their resolutions and ambitions for the New Year.

Go to http://www.cfnetwork.co.uk/members/news.asp for the full story

> Single parent breaks boom

Demand has been greater than anticipated for Time Out in France, a week-long holiday designed for single parent families, organised by the charity Care for the Family in conjunction with Spring Harvest.

Go to http://www.cfnetwork.co.uk/members/resources.asp for the full story

> 'Let's play at being vicar' - schoolkids take church to heart

Children at St Thomas’ CE School in Garstang, Lancashire, visited the local church of the same name to learn about baptism.

Go to http://www.cfnetwork.co.uk/members/news.asp for the full story

> MARRIAGE MOT

> Check out our archived marriage tips in the Members' Zone, plus stacks more marriage resources at http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk

Here we go again - time to break old patterns

An argument, a sullen silence, sulking for a few days, then everything "pushed under the carpet" again. He comes in from work switches on the TV and ignores you, so you go off and do your own thing. How often we fall into unhelpful patterns of behaviour, so predictable, you just know what's going to happen next.

Researchers have found out that to improve a marriage it takes more than learning new skills, you have to unlearn the destructive behaviours. Are there key words and phrases that trigger an argument or result in you withdrawing into yourself? Do your disagreements follow a similar pattern each time?

Are there "no go" areas that you avoid because you fear facing them or have learnt to avoid the pain you bring? Do you fear and avoid conflict? Have you found ways of getting your own way with your loved one? Do you keep things like your credit card bills hidden so you don't have to admit you can't help over-spending.

Why not ask yourself: "Could I try to do things differently? Why am I behaving this way? Do I need to? What would happen if I dared to respond differently - more positively? If I changed, would the whole situation change? If I dared to share my fears with my spouse instead of pushing him away, would things be different? Could I ask him or her for help to cope with what's bothering me?"

It takes two to tango, so is it time to stop trying to do the waltz and see if you can move in step with one another?

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> EVENTS

Catch up with the latest in our Events guide at http://www.cfnetwork.co.uk/members/resources.asp

Send your family/church event to info@cfnetwork.co.uk for a free listing.

Small groups, growing churches 2004

Almost 1,000 small group leaders enjoyed a day's teaching, inspiration and encouragement as part of the 2003 Small groups, growing churches tour organised in March by Christian Herald, Scripture Union and CPO.

Now Small Groups, Growing Churches is coming to Plymouth, Tonbridge and Leeds in March next year, with plans for further dates in the autumn. To receive details mail Lyn Bedford on lynbedford@christianmedia.org.uk or call her on 01903 602126.

> SITES WORTH SEEING

There are stacks of organisations promoting marriage around the UK, so if you're looking for marriage courses to run in your church, seeking training for your work with couples and families, hunting for good marriage preparation material or just looking to deepen and enrich your own marriage relationship, check out www.promoting-marriage.org.uk

Ten10, based in Scotland, look to develop spiritual and physical fitness in teenagers and young adults. Take a look at their schedule for this year and more at www.ten10.org.uk

Thousands of young people will be working in deprived communities in London this summer, bring love, practical care and the Gospel of Jesus Christ as part of Soul in the City. Check out their site at www.soulinthecity.co.uk

> YOU'VE GOT TO LAUGH ...

~ New Missionaries: Tim is a pilot and flies missionaries and supplies into the bush.
~ Palm Sunday: Our regular service will be gin at 11:00 a.m.
~ All children are requested to bring fresh followers to decorate the cross for Easter Sunday.
~ When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.

Newsletter bloopers from www.mikeysfunnies.com

> CHRISTIAN FAMILY NETWORK THIS WEEK
(MEMBERS' ZONE) - http://www.cfnetwork.co.uk/members/default.asp

> Advice

> Liz Jennings on handling 'difficult' friends
> Eric Spellmann on the common problems he solves when people ask for computer advice
> Kate's Marriage advice - time to break the pattern

> Resources

> Elaine Storkey on a short term society in need of a long-term Gospel

> News

> Youngsters spiritually fit for 2004?
> 'Let's play at being vicar' - schoolkids take church to heart
> Single parent breaks boom

> Top sites this week

> How your church can help promote marriage
> Spiritual and physical fitness venture for youngsters
> Soul in the City to hit London - still time for early bird booking!

> Events: Care for the Family tours and day events in 2004 plus more of what's on near you

> Webwatch Index: more than 600 sites at your fingertips

> Site Search Engine: the easy way to trawl our 1,000-page plus archives

Christian Family Network, Christian Media Centre, Garcia Estate, Canterbury Road, Worthing, West Sussex BN13 1EH, UK (01903 821082; subscriptions 01903 602136)

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