Setting rules for a good argument - CFN newsletter 76

CHRISTIAN FAMILY NETWORK NEWSLETTER 76

> Advice: marriage conflicts need ground rules, says J John
> News:
> Don't lock up the children, says Children's Society
> Domestic violence a 'lottery' for Methodists
> Parents tell of anguish over children's stress levels
> Sites:
> Teaching resources for citizenship classes
> CARE launches new political activism site
> Events: what's on near you
> Kate's marriage tip: Make time for "me"
> Humour: Timmy and Mrs Goodnest
> Members' Zone latest

Thanks for a great response on how you spend time as a family. You'll find your full feedback in the Resources section of our Members' Zone. A book or CD will be on their way to those who wrote in shortly - please mail us your full postal address just to ensure we send it to the right place!

This week's update is packed with more resources, advice, news, tips and reviews so make the most of it and pass on items to your friends.

Next time we'll have full details on the new issue of Families Together, plus a great competition!

Take care

Russ Bravo
Christian Family Network
info@cfnetwork.co.uk
http://www.cfnetwork.co.uk

ADVICE

Conflict in marriage - and how to handle it - Part 5

• In the fifth of a series of articles taken from his new book Marriage Works (Authentic Publishing), popular speaker and author J John examines the need for establishing rules for handling conflict
  

h) Setting rules for handling conflict

Talk to anyone in the fire brigade and they will say that the best way to fight fires is a) stop them for happening in the first place and b) have measures in place to deal with them if they do occur. The same advice can be offered in respect of marriage conflicts: try to prevent them, but also have strategies in place for handling and containing conflicts if they do occur. The idea is to have rules to ensure that there is a 'fair fight' and that neither combatant suffers lasting damage.

There is widespread reluctance in a marriage to actually think about how conflicts are going to be handled. Some of that reluctance comes from the wondrously naive view that 'conflicts won't happen to us', and some of it, doubtless, from the idea that to prepare for conflict in marriage is somehow to invite it. Nevertheless, if there is going to be conflict in a marriage, and all the evidence suggests there will be, then it is surely better to have some rules in place to govern what happens.

Let me suggest the sort of rules that you should agree to:

Agree that there must be no physical violence. I shouldn't really have to say this but it is important to agree that throwing things, slapping, etc is quite off limits. Agree too, that it is impermissible to even threaten to use violence.

Agree that there must be no verbal abuse. 'Sticks and stones can break my bones but calling names won't hurt me' is the old playground chant, but sadly, it is a false claim. In fact, verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse. Broken bones can heal, but for many people, the wounds made by insults never heal. Agree that calling each other names and insulting each other is not acceptable. Treat each other with respect (at the very least).

For the rest of this article - with six more crucial rules on handling conflict - , go to our Advice section at http://www.cfnetwork.co.uk/members/advice.asp

> THIS WEEK'S NEWS

> Don't lock up the children, says Children's Society

A Children's Society initiative, which has helped rescue more than 1,000 children on remand from prisons across the country, closed on 28 June after two-and-a-half years. But the project proved so successful that the Government has taken its work on board, and will be making it available for all children in prison.

Go to http://www.cfnetwork.co.uk/members/news.asp for the full story

> Parents tell of anguish over children's stress levels

New research launched this week from national charity Parentline Plus reveals that parents are increasingly worried about their children's levels of stress and anxiety, which account for 39% of calls to its confidential freephone helpline

Go to http://www.cfnetwork.co.uk/members/resources.asp for the full story

> Domestic violence a 'lottery' for Methodists

More than one in six Methodist members have had to deal with domestic violence – according to research commissioned by the Methodist Church.

Go to http://www.cfnetwork.co.uk/members/news.asp for the full story

> DON'T MISS

Pray for the nation!

On 13 July thousands of Christians from all generations, denominations and races, are expected to gather at Reading's Madejski football stadium for a day of prayer, fasting, repentance and worship, to see the hearts of this nation turned back to God.

Much more information on this gathering, its background, how to get involved, and details of the Christian leaders supporting The Call England can be found at http://thecallengland.com

> MARRIAGE MOT

> Check out our archived marriage tips in the Members' Zone, plus stacks more marriage resources at http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk .

Time for "me"

Do you think you have the right balance between time together and individual space? My husband works long hours and comes home to further demands from the family. He needs some time to unwind, space to think or just to relax and do something that he enjoys. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be with me, but he can get to the point where he is emotionally or mentally drained.

If you are an introvert then you will need time alone to recharge your batteries. If you are an extrovert, you may prefer to do this in company, by partying, or in stimulating conversation with friends or on the touchline at a football game with a crowd.

Unless we try to understand each other's needs in this area, we may well misunderstand and misinterpret their behaviour. It can be easy to put pressure on one another or to fear our loved one doesn’t care.

Why not have a conversation about how you recharge the batteries? Find out if you are different. Discuss your use of time and what you would like to do differently. Be open to learning something new about each other and accepting that change may be for the better.

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> EVENTS

Christian-based teachers' resource The Stapleford Centre has launched a new website service providing material on teaching citizenship. Check it out at www.assemblingcitizens.co.uk

CARE has just launched a new site dedicated to helping Christians get involved in politics. Find out how to contact your MP, info on UK political institutions, ideas for community activism, becoming a school governor, standing as a local councillor and more at www.changeactivist.org.uk

> YOU'VE GOT TO LAUGH

Timmy was a little five-year-old boy that his Mum loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started. She walked him to school for a couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school
everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys" and walk with them.

He protested loudly, so she finally got an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.

Mrs Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some
exercise, so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out behind Timmy as he walked to school with another boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy: "Have you seen that lady following
us all week? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied: "Yeah, I know who she is."
The little friend said, "Well, who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy explained.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who's she and why is she following us?"

"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the Psalm says 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life'.

"So I guess I'll just have to get used to it."
[forwarded by Tom Betts]

> CHRISTIAN FAMILY NETWORK THIS WEEK
(MEMBERS' ZONE) - http://www.cfnetwork.co.uk/members/default.asp

> Advice

> Quality Time - CFN members' feedback their tips and stories
> J John on handling conflict in marriage - Part 5 - Ground rules for conflict

> Resources

> Talking Families Week: survey findings and tips from Parentline Plus
> First in a new column from mum of two Elisabeth Corcoran
> The Eyeopener - a spiritual wake-up call ...
> News Extra: Tory MP speaks at dads conference on a father's role
> Spoof Virus - a Trojan Horse you might not have thought of!

> Top sites this week

> assemblingcitizens - Christian-based resources for teaching citizenship
> Break the Chain - tackle junk e-mail and chain letters effectively
> CARE's new site to encourage Christian political activism
> Kids sites: surfnetkids and Lemony Snicket

> Events: More of what's on near you, plus the guide to 2002's festivals and Bible weeks

> Webwatch Index: more than 500 sites at your fingertips
> Site Search Engine: the easy way to trawl our 500-page plus archives

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