Subject: JOB DESCRIPTION
Position: DAD
Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an
often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which
will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on
call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in
faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier
duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES
- Must
provide on-site training in basic life skills, such as nose-blowing.
Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and
crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus.
- Must
be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because
you most likely will need it for a school project.
- Must
reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing
budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear: "He
got more than me!" for the rest of your life.
- Must
be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions
while simultaneously practising above mentioned skills in conflict
resolution.
- Must
be able to choose your battles wisely and then stick to your guns.
- Must
be able to withstand criticism, such as "You don't know anything."
- Must
be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs
£5 to go bowling.
- Must
be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
- Must
possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from
zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat, in case this time the screams
from the back garden are not someone just crying wolf.
- Must
be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small
gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
- Must
handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap,
plastic toys and battery-operated devices.
- Must
screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production
of multiple homework projects.
- Must
have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients
of all ages and mental outlooks.
- Must
be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the
next.
- Must
have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because fund-raiser
will be your middle name.
- Must
have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions on the
fly such as "What makes the wind move?" or "Why can't
we just stop all wars?"
- Must
always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
- Must
assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end
product.
- Other
responsibilities include floor maintenance and caretaking work throughout
the premises.
POSSIBILITY
FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually
exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION
You pay them, offering frequent increases and bonuses. A balloon payment
is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college/university
will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give
them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary
scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement,
no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, the job supplies
limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life,
if you play your cards right.
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