GREAT ONE-LINERS

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. (Albert Einstein)

Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things. (Unknown)

It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others. (John Andrew Holmes)

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. (Woody Allen)

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)

Bargain: Something you can't use at a price you can't resist. (Franklin P. Jones)

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?' (Quentin Crisp)

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! (Monty Python)

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. (Ashleigh Brilliant)

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. (Plutarch)

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers. (Mark Twain)

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." (Charlie Brown)

(Grove Books)

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Understanding engineers, part 1

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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