Resources

MARRIAGE SUPPORT

Keeping the spark alive

Baptist pastor ROB JAMES explains why he is passionate about premarital counselling

It has been said that "the course of true love, never did run smooth". If that's true before the knot is tied, it's certainly prophetic about what happens afterwards. And you don't have to look very far to agree with that.

Cynical wisecracks abound: "My wife and I were happy for 30 years and then we met"; "Marriage starts when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink"; "He walked alone. She walked alone. So they got married and walked alone together"!

There's plenty of evidence in literature, too. Take this example from Hardy's Far from the Madding Crowd. Bathsheba Everdene complains that she is getting tired of her husband's gambling. "The romance has gone from our marriage," she says. To which he responds: "Romance always ends at marriage".

Hemingway was even more cynical. If you read Across the River and into the Trees you'll see he seems to suggest even the best relationship is a form of civil war. And we all know that novelists like Hardy and Hemingway are merely mirroring real life.

That's why marriage counsellor Gary Chapman writes: "At 30,000ft, somewhere between Buffalo and Dallas, a fellow passenger put his magazine in his seat pocket, turned in my direction and asked: 'What kind of work do you do?'

"'I do marriage counselling and lead marriage enrichment seminars,' I said matter-of-factly.

"'I've been waiting to ask someone this for a long time,' he said. 'What happens to love after you get married?'"

Clearly something happens. Divorce in the UK has reached a seven-year high according to figures released by the Office of National Statistics, with the highest rates continuing to be among men and women between the ages of 25 and 29. It is the fourth successive year that the number has risen.

I have never doubted the need to take marriage preparation seriously, even though it has become an increasingly complicated affair given the increasing numbers of people who cohabit, or have experienced divorce.

I have been passionately committed to preparing couples for the most challenging adventure that life can offer because I am convinced that Christians have the most profound and inspiring understanding of marriage on offer today.

William Hendriksen points to this when he writes: "This marvellous love, this blissful Christ-church relationship, is actually reflected here on earth in the union of a husband and wife," and when this happens "it brings happiness to the marriage partners, blessing to mankind and glory to God".

Counsellor Gary R Collins has identified eight compelling reasons for taking premarital guidance seriously:

Unrealistic expectations can lead to disillusionment
Personal immaturity can lead to insensitivity
Changing roles can lead to confusion
Alternative styles of marriage can lead to uncertainty
Loosening sexual standards can lead to immorality
Previous experiences can lead to overconfidence
Circumstances that can lead to later misery
High divorce rates that can lead to unhappiness

"Premarital counselling," he writes, "should not be viewed as a painful procedure designed to snatch unsuspecting couples from the grips of marital misery. Most premarital counselling is done with relatively healthy individuals who can be helped to enhance and enrich a growing relationship."

Consequently, I have developed a biblical scheme that starts with Scripture but allows me to point to the wealth of excellent material that is on offer today. For example, even though the Scriptures say very little about what to look for in a partner, it has proved useful to look at some of the stories found in the Old Testament and then to use them as a launchpad for looking at the helpful information offered by such practitioners as Marriage Resource. This includes such advice as:

Choose carefully. Generally speaking, the more you have in common: background, faith, interests, the more likely you will be to have a happy and lifelong marriage.
Talk about your likes and dislikes, your childhood, home life and memories. Discuss your marriage expectations and attitudes towards roles, money, sex, children, parents, ambitions, etc. As much as possible broaden your knowledge of each other in company with friends, rather than spending too much time alone. Do not start sex before marriage, because it becomes the focus of the relationship and blinds you to the other person's real character and personality.
Ask yourself is my friend attentive to my needs? Also, ask yourself am I as concerned for my friend as I am for myself?

(I have usually asked love-struck couples to write letters to each other at this point, explaining their reasons for wanting to marry one another. I have never seen any of their letters but I do know they have generated some interesting conversations!)

A session spent looking at the opening chapters of Genesis has always proved helpful, for it has given us the chance to think about the meaning of a one-flesh relationship. I've also spent many an interesting hour discussing the disciples' reaction to Jesus' teaching on divorce. Matthew 19:10 has proved particularly stimulating because we've asked ourselves why the disciples had such a pessimistic view of marriage. (You will remember that given Jesus' restrictions on divorce, they thought it was probably better not to marry at all). It's allowed us to ask why so many relationships go wrong.

I've often found myself quoting Rick Warren on these occasions. "One sinner plus another sinner equals two sinners. Double trouble under one roof. Add a couple of 'sinnerlings' and we're talking quadruple trouble under that same roof.

"In the covenant of marriage God asks two self-willed people to come together and be one flesh – not in body only, but in spirit, in attitude, in communication, in love … Marriage can be wonderful. It can be deeply satisfying and mutually fulfilling. But if it becomes that, it is because both partners have paid a very high price over many years to make it that way. They will have died to selfishness a thousand times."

And this has proved a useful introduction to one of the most helpful books I have ever read. I wish every couple getting married would read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The sub-title says it all: "How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate".

Chapman begins from the premise that we express and receive love in different ways, and he clearly demonstrates that we have to work out how we can best communicate it to our husband or wife.

Interestingly, Dr Simon Watts and Dr Paul Stenner have come to a similar conclusion. They have been exploring how men and women define love. The results of their research project were recently published in the British Journal of Social Psychology. It seems that the secret of nourishing a partnership between two people is related to our understanding of the power of the other person's feelings. As Dr Watts explained: "My definition of love is cleaning the toilet without being asked. It's doing something you find utterly abhorrent for somebody."

I gather Clint Eastwood is on record as stating that there is only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as he learns what it is he'll get married again! As so often is the case, it seems that the answer is to be found on our knees! I wonder if anyone will tell him?

Rob James is a freelance writer based south Wales

USEFUL RESOURCES

Books:

The Sixty-Minute Marriage by Rob Parsons
Man to Man About Woman by James Dobson
The A-Z of Marriage by Mike and Katie Morris
Looking Up The Aisle by Dave and Joyce Ames of Mission to Marriage

The Time for Each Other video course can be ordered from the Christian Publishing & Outreach for £31 including p&p, Garcia Estate, Canterbury Road, Worthing BN13 1BW Tel: 01903 263354. The videos come with two workbooks; you can have a choice of workbooks for Christian couples, or workbooks for couples not attending church regularly.

For details of marriage preparation courses, churches that offer to prepare couples being married elsewhere and pre-marriage questionnaires contact Marriage Resource, 24 West Street, Wimborne, Dorset BH21 1JS or visit www.marriageresource.org.uk


		MARRIAGE SUPPORT Keeping the spark alive Baptist pastor ROB JAMES explains why he is passionate about premarital counselling It has been said that "the course of true love, never did run smooth". If that's true before the knot is tied, it's certainly prophetic about what happens afterwards. And you don't have to look very far to agree with that. Cynical wisecracks abound: "My wife and I were happy for 30 years and then we met"; "Marriage starts when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink"; "He walked alone. She walked alone. So they got married and walked alone together"! There's plenty of evidence in literature, too. Take this example from Hardy's Far from the Madding Crowd. Bathsheba Everdene complains that she is getting tired of her husband's gambling. "The romance has gone from our marriage," she says. To which he responds: "Romance always ends at marriage". Hemingway was even more cynical. If you read Across the River and into the Trees you'll see he seems to suggest even the best relationship is a form of civil war. And we all know that novelists like Hardy and Hemingway are merely mirroring real life. That's why marriage counsellor Gary Chapman writes: "At 30,000ft, somewhere between Buffalo and Dallas, a fellow passenger put his magazine in his seat pocket, turned in my direction and asked: 'What kind of work do you do?' "'I do marriage counselling and lead marriage enrichment seminars,' I said matter-of-factly. "'I've been waiting to ask someone this for a long time,' he said. 'What happens to love after you get married?'" Clearly something happens. Divorce in the UK has reached a seven-year high according to figures released by the Office of National Statistics, with the highest rates continuing to be among men and women between the ages of 25 and 29. It is the fourth successive year that the number has risen. I have never doubted the need to take marriage preparation seriously, even though it has become an increasingly complicated affair given the increasing numbers of people who cohabit, or have experienced divorce. I have been passionately committed to preparing couples for the most challenging adventure that life can offer because I am convinced that Christians have the most profound and inspiring understanding of marriage on offer today. William Hendriksen points to this when he writes: "This marvellous love, this blissful Christ-church relationship, is actually reflected here on earth in the union of a husband and wife," and when this happens "it brings happiness to the marriage partners, blessing to mankind and glory to God". Counsellor Gary R Collins has identified eight compelling reasons for taking premarital guidance seriously: Unrealistic expectations can lead to disillusionment Personal immaturity can lead to insensitivity Changing roles can lead to confusion Alternative styles of marriage can lead to uncertainty Loosening sexual standards can lead to immorality Previous experiences can lead to overconfidence Circumstances that can lead to later misery High divorce rates that can lead to unhappiness "Premarital counselling," he writes, "should not be viewed as a painful procedure designed to snatch unsuspecting couples from the grips of marital misery. Most premarital counselling is done with relatively healthy individuals who can be helped to enhance and enrich a growing relationship." Consequently, I have developed a biblical scheme that starts with Scripture but allows me to point to the wealth of excellent material that is on offer today. For example, even though the Scriptures say very little about what to look for in a partner, it has proved useful to look at some of the stories found in the Old Testament and then to use them as a launchpad for looking at the helpful information offered by such practitioners as Marriage Resource. This includes such advice as: Choose carefully. Generally speaking, the more you have in common: background, faith, interests, the more likely you will be to have a happy and lifelong marriage. Talk about your likes and dislikes, your childhood, home life and memories. Discuss your marriage expectations and attitudes towards roles, money, sex, children, parents, ambitions, etc. As much as possible broaden your knowledge of each other in company with friends, rather than spending too much time alone. Do not start sex before marriage, because it becomes the focus of the relationship and blinds you to the other person's real character and personality. Ask yourself is my friend attentive to my needs? Also, ask yourself am I as concerned for my friend as I am for myself? (I have usually asked love-struck couples to write letters to each other at this point, explaining their reasons for wanting to marry one another. I have never seen any of their letters but I do know they have generated some interesting conversations!) A session spent looking at the opening chapters of Genesis has always proved helpful, for it has given us the chance to think about the meaning of a one-flesh relationship. I've also spent many an interesting hour discussing the disciples' reaction to Jesus' teaching on divorce. Matthew 19:10 has proved particularly stimulating because we've asked ourselves why the disciples had such a pessimistic view of marriage. (You will remember that given Jesus' restrictions on divorce, they thought it was probably better not to marry at all). It's allowed us to ask why so many relationships go wrong. I've often found myself quoting Rick Warren on these occasions. "One sinner plus another sinner equals two sinners. Double trouble under one roof. Add a couple of 'sinnerlings' and we're talking quadruple trouble under that same roof. "In the covenant of marriage God asks two self-willed people to come together and be one flesh – not in body only, but in spirit, in attitude, in communication, in love … Marriage can be wonderful. It can be deeply satisfying and mutually fulfilling. But if it becomes that, it is because both partners have paid a very high price over many years to make it that way. They will have died to selfishness a thousand times." And this has proved a useful introduction to one of the most helpful books I have ever read. I wish every couple getting married would read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The sub-title says it all: "How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate". Chapman begins from the premise that we express and receive love in different ways, and he clearly demonstrates that we have to work out how we can best communicate it to our husband or wife. Interestingly, Dr Simon Watts and Dr Paul Stenner have come to a similar conclusion. They have been exploring how men and women define love. The results of their research project were recently published in the British Journal of Social Psychology. It seems that the secret of nourishing a partnership between two people is related to our understanding of the power of the other person's feelings. As Dr Watts explained: "My definition of love is cleaning the toilet without being asked. It's doing something you find utterly abhorrent for somebody." I gather Clint Eastwood is on record as stating that there is only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as he learns what it is he'll get married again! As so often is the case, it seems that the answer is to be found on our knees! I wonder if anyone will tell him? Rob James is a freelance writer based south Wales USEFUL RESOURCES Books: The Sixty-Minute Marriage by Rob Parsons Man to Man About Woman by James Dobson The A-Z of Marriage by Mike and Katie Morris Looking Up The Aisle by Dave and Joyce Ames of Mission to Marriage The Time for Each Other video course can be ordered from the Christian Publishing & Outreach for £31 including p&p, Garcia Estate, Canterbury Road, Worthing BN13 1BW Tel: 01903 263354. The videos come with two workbooks; you can have a choice of workbooks for Christian couples, or workbooks for couples not attending church regularly. For details of marriage preparation courses, churches that offer to prepare couples being married elsewhere and pre-marriage questionnaires contact Marriage Resource, 24 West Street, Wimborne, Dorset BH21 1JS or visit www.marriageresource.org.uk