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What Teenagers Need

In this excerpt from Geraldine Witcher's book Youth In Exodus (Highland), the author examines the relationship between parents and teenagers - and helping yours share your faith in Jesus

"I just want to be treated like an adult."
"I'm not a child any more."
"You never listen."
"You don't understand."
"Don't treat me like a child."

If you are a parent of teenage children, you have probably had at least one of these retorts thrown at you in the course of a conversation. Teenagers want to be treated as adults. We look at them and see children. This differing viewpoint is an argument waiting to happen.

How do we avoid this?

We need perhaps to remember that today in the West, 'childhood' lasts longer than it has at any other time in history. Jesus was considered an adult member of society, like every Jewish boy at that time, at 12 when he had his Bar Mitzvah. Children of 12 and 13 used to be considered old enough to marry.

Yet these days, 18 is becoming more and more the normal age for leaving school, and even then increasing numbers of young people are continuing into further full-time education, thereby delaying their entry into the adult world of work by another three or four years. No wonder they sometimes get frustrated. Yet at other times, it seems that they want to be children again. A friend of mine, both of whose sons, now in their 20s are strong Christians, had these wise words to say:

"Children are the same as adults. Only difference is that they are smaller and lack training and experience. So far as possible, offer them the benefit of your experience, but don't force it on them. You won't always be around so they need training in making up their own minds. Start early. Rule 1. The child is not there for your benefit, you are there for his."

What the teenagers need is to be treated in a way that respects them as a person, while still continuing the training and modelling that began in early childhood. Communication remains vital but so does love. Discipline should be moving from adult imposed to self-imposed but the way and speed this happens will obviously vary from family to family and even child to child. Mutual respect and understanding should be growing as the child progresses through the teenage years.

But I think the most important thing we can do for our teenagers is to realise how important it is that our faith is lived out at home. If we are consistently Christian at home with them, and seeing them as part of the covenant people, many of the difficulties we see today will disappear.

Christianity is a lifestyle. Jesus said: "I am the Way," and his followers took up this word as a description of themselves. Long before they were 'Christians' they were 'followers of the Way' (Acts 9:2, 24:14). God has always been concerned about how his people behave! In Exodus he moves from demanding their undivided allegiance (Exodus 20:3) to commanding them to control their desires for what their neighbours owned. (20:17) "Worship me and don't even think about fancying your neighbour's wife."

When we take our faith out of day-to-day life, we kill our faith. It is only as we live that we prove who - or what - we worship. If you really want to know what is important in your life, work out what you spend most time at - either thinking about or doing.

Jesus spent hours teaching his disciples how to get on with each other. Do you think James and John, the 'sons of thunder', may still have been in their teens? It might explain the nickname. Paul wrote letter after letter doing the same thing! James' letter, where we read: "Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead" (James 2:17), is proof that the early Christians, even Jesus' own brother, saw the need for behaviour to reflect profession.

New Testament teaching is about how to live in relationship. It is about living out our faith in community, worshipping God in daily life. It is about balancing grace and obedience so that we offer unconditional love while demanding our 'utmost for his highest'. Do we, when we read what I call the lifestyle parts of the epistles, consciously apply them to our life within the four walls of our home?

"You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature, rather, serve one another in love." (Galatians 5:13). This comes after a discussion about what freedom in Christ really consists of. Suddenly we are in the realm of daily life. Spiritual freedom is demonstrated in physical life. But do we apply this to our relationships with our teenagers?

If we have taken seriously the fact that God is committed to us as family, not just as individuals, if his covenant is with the whole community, then these awkward teenagers are part of that and we need to treat them as if they are. If God's claim is on the whole of our lives and if our children's salvation to some extent is influenced by our obedience surely it is partly because the way we treat them either pulls them towards God or pushes them further away from him. If we are living out the commands of the Bible, we must be doing so at home with regard to our teenagers. Just as charity begins at home, so must holiness.

It is time for radical discipleship, not just more of the same way of life with a veneer of Christianity tacked on. We have compromised too long with the world's way of doing things and as a result are powerless to make changes in the world or even in our families. The early Christians on the other hand, did not even need to specify what 'Way' they were following; everyone could see that for them there only was one way - the Way of Christ.

* Continued next update

Extract taken from Youth in Exodus by Geraldine Witcher published by Highland Books 2002 www.highlandbks.com

© Christian Family Network
is run by CPO, supported by
Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting,
Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.


		What Teenagers Need In this excerpt from Geraldine Witcher's book Youth In Exodus (Highland), the author examines the relationship between parents and teenagers - and helping yours share your faith in Jesus "I just want to be treated like an adult." "I'm not a child any more." "You never listen." "You don't understand." "Don't treat me like a child." If you are a parent of teenage children, you have probably had at least one of these retorts thrown at you in the course of a conversation. Teenagers want to be treated as adults. We look at them and see children. This differing viewpoint is an argument waiting to happen. How do we avoid this? We need perhaps to remember that today in the West, 'childhood' lasts longer than it has at any other time in history. Jesus was considered an adult member of society, like every Jewish boy at that time, at 12 when he had his Bar Mitzvah. Children of 12 and 13 used to be considered old enough to marry. Yet these days, 18 is becoming more and more the normal age for leaving school, and even then increasing numbers of young people are continuing into further full-time education, thereby delaying their entry into the adult world of work by another three or four years. No wonder they sometimes get frustrated. Yet at other times, it seems that they want to be children again. A friend of mine, both of whose sons, now in their 20s are strong Christians, had these wise words to say: "Children are the same as adults. Only difference is that they are smaller and lack training and experience. So far as possible, offer them the benefit of your experience, but don't force it on them. You won't always be around so they need training in making up their own minds. Start early. Rule 1. The child is not there for your benefit, you are there for his." What the teenagers need is to be treated in a way that respects them as a person, while still continuing the training and modelling that began in early childhood. Communication remains vital but so does love. Discipline should be moving from adult imposed to self-imposed but the way and speed this happens will obviously vary from family to family and even child to child. Mutual respect and understanding should be growing as the child progresses through the teenage years. But I think the most important thing we can do for our teenagers is to realise how important it is that our faith is lived out at home. If we are consistently Christian at home with them, and seeing them as part of the covenant people, many of the difficulties we see today will disappear. Christianity is a lifestyle. Jesus said: "I am the Way," and his followers took up this word as a description of themselves. Long before they were 'Christians' they were 'followers of the Way' (Acts 9:2, 24:14). God has always been concerned about how his people behave! In Exodus he moves from demanding their undivided allegiance (Exodus 20:3) to commanding them to control their desires for what their neighbours owned. (20:17) "Worship me and don't even think about fancying your neighbour's wife." When we take our faith out of day-to-day life, we kill our faith. It is only as we live that we prove who - or what - we worship. If you really want to know what is important in your life, work out what you spend most time at - either thinking about or doing. Jesus spent hours teaching his disciples how to get on with each other. Do you think James and John, the 'sons of thunder', may still have been in their teens? It might explain the nickname. Paul wrote letter after letter doing the same thing! James' letter, where we read: "Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead" (James 2:17), is proof that the early Christians, even Jesus' own brother, saw the need for behaviour to reflect profession. New Testament teaching is about how to live in relationship. It is about living out our faith in community, worshipping God in daily life. It is about balancing grace and obedience so that we offer unconditional love while demanding our 'utmost for his highest'. Do we, when we read what I call the lifestyle parts of the epistles, consciously apply them to our life within the four walls of our home? "You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature, rather, serve one another in love." (Galatians 5:13). This comes after a discussion about what freedom in Christ really consists of. Suddenly we are in the realm of daily life. Spiritual freedom is demonstrated in physical life. But do we apply this to our relationships with our teenagers? If we have taken seriously the fact that God is committed to us as family, not just as individuals, if his covenant is with the whole community, then these awkward teenagers are part of that and we need to treat them as if they are. If God's claim is on the whole of our lives and if our children's salvation to some extent is influenced by our obedience surely it is partly because the way we treat them either pulls them towards God or pushes them further away from him. If we are living out the commands of the Bible, we must be doing so at home with regard to our teenagers. Just as charity begins at home, so must holiness. It is time for radical discipleship, not just more of the same way of life with a veneer of Christianity tacked on. We have compromised too long with the world's way of doing things and as a result are powerless to make changes in the world or even in our families. The early Christians on the other hand, did not even need to specify what 'Way' they were following; everyone could see that for them there only was one way - the Way of Christ. * Continued next update Extract taken from Youth in Exodus by Geraldine Witcher published by Highland Books 2002 www.highlandbks.com © Christian Family Network is run by CPO, supported by Care for the Family, Marriage Resource, Positive Parenting, Care, Women Alive, Christian Herald and many others.